Saturday, December 8, 2007

Every Kiss Does NOT Begin With Kay: An Open Letter

Dear Jewelry Company Executives and Ad Agencies,

It has come to our attention after our eight millionth jewelry commercial viewing of this holiday season that you may have some misconceptions about this whole holiday gift-giving process. We'd like to try to help.

1) Some women actually do not like diamonds.

We'll give you a couple of seconds to let that one sink in.

Okay.

So, some women don't like diamonds, and even if they do, they do not necessarily want to own the exact same diamond stud earrings or goofy squiggly pendant as every other woman on the planet. This is because women are individuals. Mind-blowing, we know.

2) That whole 'Dad is totally clueless about what to buy for the woman he allegedly loves until his overly precious young child helps him realize that Mom really wants one of those generic diamond squiggles from one of those generic chain jewelry stores, thereby saving the holiday for the whole family' thing? Really not cute or funny. Please stop.

3) If a man buys jewelry for a woman, this does not make him a hero. It makes him...a man who bought jewelry. By the same token, if a man doesn't buy jewelry for a woman, this does not automatically make him the biggest loser on Earth. Believe it or not, there are many many many things other than diamonds that qualify as good gifts, and actual creativity in choosing a gift is often appreciated.

4) Just a thought here, but gay couples buy jewelry too. Some diversity in your commercials might be nice. Actually, scratch that. Gay couples have enough to deal with without also having to be annoyed by your horrible cheesy advertising. Forget we said anything.

5) Please discontinue the sappy, whiny, and lame musical selections, most especially if you've chosen to take a real holiday song and change the lyrics to make it all about buying crappy jewelry.

Thank you for your consideration in this important matter. If you'd like some helping coming up with some better and less offensive ad campaigns, we'd be happy to work on some ideas if you send us some free samples. We can sell them and use the cash to buy each some gifts that we'll actually like.

Best Regards,
The Evil Slut Clique

Exhibit A:


Exhibit B:


Exhibit C (Okay, we cheated, this is a Valentines Day ad, but we couldn't leave off Kay Jewelers since they have possibly the most annoying slogan and music of all) :

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

America's Most Smartest Model

So we actually watched America's Most Smartest Model and um... this is all we have to show for it:











(We'll spare you the images from the "Things That Smell Bad" category).

Rock of Love Reunion

Nothing we could ever write about the Rock of Love reunion could compare to what Rich has done over at the VH1 Celebreality blog. Our hero, as always. (We've stolen all of the images below from him, also as always).

So instead of a true recap, here are just our Top Ten WTF Moments of the Rock of Love Season 1 Reunion.




10. Tiffany's interview segment being totally cut. How could they threaten us with a good time like that and then not follow through?

9. The fake "Bret Sucks" tattoo! We totally called it, and we love Heather for it.

8. Lacey's "singing". Enough said.


7. Rodeo declaring her undying love and affection for Bret one minute...and then pulling a bottle of Rodeo brand barbecue sauce out of thin air the next.


6. The revelation that Brandi M. has done porn?! We must find this for our next pizza and porn party. We can watch it back to
back with the Brandi C. video.

5. Brandi C. and Kristia's matching handmade dresses made from old wedding gowns. Also the fact that they (the "Barbie twins") are roommates. Tell us that's not a reality show just waiting to
happen!

4.
Sam's HUGE necklace. Was that some sort of electronic monitoring device from her sponsor at the Center For The Treatment of Sensitive Tattooed Emo Chicks Who Have Encountered an Aging 80s Rocker in Search of Love?
 3. Magdalena was seen holding a guitar, but not only do we not get to find out why... we don't even get to hear from her at all. We also don't get to hear from Miss "Clown Tits" herself, Erin.

2. Dallas says she doesn't date black men.... What's funnier is this was the only comeback she could think of in response to Lacey's Michael Vick joke.

1. Both Jes and Heather had straight smooth "normal" hair. What a let down.





Of course we also have to mention the least WTF moment of them all: Jes making the not-so-surprising confession that "I think you made the wrong choice. I think Heather was the one." We knew that her tears during the finale were less "I just realized how much I truly care about this man" and more "I just realized that I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing here".

For even more inside info, check out the awesome "Part 2" interview with Jes, as well as her myspace blog. There's also a little update on what Heather and her hair are doing next.



So, who's ready for Rock of Love 2?

Rock of Love: Season 1
Watch Rock of Love Now
Buy Rock of Love Now

Monday, October 1, 2007

I'm not a hater, I'm a congratulater

Jezebel and Lilith get together to watch the Rock of Love finale... hijinks ensue. Well, okay I guess there weren't too many hijinks.


So Jes won the heart of Bret Michaels.



Heather (and her hair) will be greatly missed.



I love Jes joking about Heather's bed head, "her hair always looks like that". Although it was kinda like the pot calling the kettle teased considering how poofed out she likes to wear her own hair.

I fuckin' love Heather.

...and the editors too for that kissing scene.

"Sloppy seconds, baby"!!

I like Jes but Heather is cracking me up.

She's hilarious. I want him to pick her just so they can have their own awesome reality show like My Fair Brady.

No words for Heather's hair and outfit.




After tonight I feel like maybe her true calling is to be the head of an anti-Charm School. She can teach lessons like 'always match your eyeshadow to your dress' and 'use sexy halter necklines to hide the name tattooed on your neck'.

Heather is awesome.

 
I know this is all staged and fake and it's Vh1 and nobody's really going to be a couple anyway, but why in the hell would either one of those girls want Bret after he pulled that 'would you both be my girlfriends?' stunt on them? They both should have walked out.

It's a test...?  If you say yes, does it mean you love him so much you're willing to share him? Or does it mean you don't love him enough if you could stand to see him with another girl?

Or it means Bret's a wimpy indecisive dick.

Heather called him "America's Asshole"! That should be the name of the spin-off.

At least this leaves open the possibility that Jes will pull a Tango and dump him during the reunion.

Heather should have her own spin-off like I Love New York.

They can call it Striptease of Love. And a bunch of male strippers can compete for her...oh wait, most male strippers are gay, never mind.

No, the male contestants all have to be named "Bret" so she won't have to change the tattoo.

Well if it's one thing this show has taught me about life, it's that every rose has its thorn.

The lesson I've learned is: Don't Get A Guy's Name Tattooed On You!




Can't wait for the reunion next week? Here's a quick little "Where are they now?" guide to hold you over until then...
  • According to Jes's VH1 Celebreality blog interview (yeah you know I rushed online to read it) she wasn't allowed to be seen with Bret until the finale aired so as not to spoil the ending. She's spoken to him like once, she said. Geez, can you imagine first sharing your "boyfriend" with a bunch of other women, on television... and then jumping into a long distance relationship (in which you don't even speak) before your relationship has even technically started? Yikes.
  • Here's another interview of Jes and Mia, in which Jes talks about why she went on the show in the first place (to get on TV - sounds like true love to me).
  • According to Heather's myspace blog, she says she never agreed to share Bret with Jes.  She claims the scene was edited to make it look like she was saying yes when she really never did.  She also says the whole 'Jes is there for Bret when he's sick and Heather doesn't care' thing was editing too.  (And that she did in fact suggest stopping until Bret felt better, but he was the one who wanted to continue driving). I find this all extremely hard to believe, because I have faith in reality show editors and producers and I trust that they would never deceive me.




As always, all these photos were stolen from the VH1 Celebreality blog. We will miss it so.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Mystery Drives Us To Drink

Jezebel and Adam watch Monday Night Football and The Pick Up Artist while drinking.   Do not try this at home.


Wow, that blonde guy really has the Dawson's Creek look down.

Oh yes. And now he's doing a Dylan McKay brooding look.

Did Mystery actually just say 'this medallion symbolizes joy'?
 
I believe he did.  Every week is a different color and means something different.
 
So that's not a P for Player on this week's medallion?

No, I think it's supposed to be some kind of rune symbol.


Was Mystery seriously just saying something about these guys' lives being forever changed? This is way too dramatic.

Well, this is serious to him. He used to be a dork until he got involved with the "seduction community" and helped to create all of these terms and methods and stuff. He may still be a dork underneath, but he feels like he's created a new way of life for himself and other dorks out there.
 
Oh, he's definitely still a dork, especially with all the terms and methods. And is this life really better for the guys? They're on a reality show trying to hook up with strippers.


Just like Bret Michaels.


Exactly! Wait, what? No.

Seriously, I see what you mean. But isn't trying to hook up with strippers better than sitting in your parents' basement playing World of Warcraft for the rest of your life?

Well, trying to hook up with strippers for the rest of your life would be pretty pathetic too.

Just like Scott Baio.

You watch way too much Celebreality.

I know. I'm just about ready for rehab. And you're right about the stripper thing. But if these crazy challenges give the guys more confidence in their everyday lives, it can only help them, right?

Not if they keep trying to dress like Mystery.

Believe me, I'm definitely not going to defend any of the fashion choices on this show.  But I still think you're wrong about Joe D. going for a rich guy look.  He looks like a guido.

Yes, he totally was.  It's certainly not a guido.  He’s not even close to Italian, and he looks too interested in what they’re saying.  That’s it,  I can’t even believe I’m watching this with you.  I’m going back to Monday Night Football.

Oh yeah, aren’t the Eagles playing the Redskins tonight?  The team with the craziest fans and the team with the most PC name.

I prefer having the crazy fans.  And lay off Philly, they’re having a tough night.

Okay, you've suffered enough.  You know, the Yankees have a real Native American player.

The Yankees just have everything, don't they? 



Listen, the Giants and Jets are both 0-2, the Mets are falling apart, and the Knicks not only suck but are also in court being sued for discrimination, which leads to me having to hear stories about Stephon Marbury banging one of the Knicks City Dancers or an intern or someone on the team bus. The Yankees are all I have, okay?

What's the discrimination suit for?  The girl he was with wasn't Native American?   Equal opportunity and all that.
 
Funny.  She's not actually the one suing, although I think every woman that has come into contact with Stephon Marbury is probably entitled to some sort of compensation.

Okay, okay. At least your team isn't getting its butt kicked by fake Native Americans on Monday Night Football.     


Hey, you know what would be ironic and funny?

I can only imagine.
 
What if the Yankees were playing the Braves in the World Series, and the Braves got beat by the Yankees' real Native American player?
 
But the Braves suck this year, they aren't even going to make the playoffs.

Hello, hypothetical!

But that wouldn't actually be ironic...would it?

I don't know, but wouldn't it be funny?

You're drunk.
 
Yeah, okay, scotch boy.  Quick, switch it back, it’s elimination time! It’s down to Joe and Kosmo, and…wait, are they…?

WHY ARE THEY HOLDING HANDS?!

You’re never going to forgive me for making you watch this, are you?


I can't believe they're actually sitting there holding hands and sniffling.  I thought this show was about picking up women.

Allegedly.  Hey, what a surprise! Joe got eliminated and now the two most generically good-looking guys are in the finals.  Way to prove that looks don't have anything to do with becoming a great pick up artist, Mystery.

And if you hadn't made me change it back I would have missed the preview with Mystery wearing his fishnet and feathers outfit.  Thanks a lot.

Sorry.  I'll buy you a new bottle of scotch to make up for all this.

You're forgiven.  Can we go back to football now?

Sure.  But you know you’re totally coming over next week to watch the finale with me and Lilith, right?

I'm hanging up now.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

MTV is fucking up America? Cool.

Welcome class. We'd like to share a little vocabulary lesson with you. Today's word is "deflection".
de·flec·tion –noun
the act or state of deflecting; preventing an occurance from happening; impeding the movement of something; turning away from an initial course or straight line or point of interest; drawing attention away from something.
Can you use this word in a sentence?

When Ja Rule turned the focus of a congressional hearing on violent hip-hop music to MTV's alleged gay agenda it was a classic case of deflection.
Very good boys and girls. Tomorrow's word is "douchebag".

Put It On Me [Explicit]Apparently Ja Rule - the rapper and "actor" also known as Jeffrey Atkins - spoke out against congressional hearings on violent hip-hop music by... being an ignorant douchebag. Even though homosexuality wasn't even an issue being discussed he felt the need to deflect the attention away from the point at hand, by... being an ignorant douchebag:
"…We need to go step to MTV and Viacom, and lets talk about all these fucking shows that they have on MTV that is promoting homosexuality, that my kids can’t watch this shit. Dating shows that’s showing two guys or two girls in mid-afternoon. Let’s talk about shit like that! If that’s not fucking up America, I don’t know what is."
Now let's look for a moment at what a wonderful role model Ja Rule is for his kids (and ours)... He never finished high school, he's been arrested for gun possession, and he apparently can't do anything without having some kind of beef with another artist (for example: 50 Cent, DMX, Eminem, Dr. Dre, Busta Rhymes, etc.) His songs advocate violence, misogyny, crime, infidelity, materialism... and are filled with curses and sexual references. Now the ESC obviously has no problem with curses and sexual references. But let's not be a fucking hypocrite okay Ja?

How can a man whose songs include the following lyrics, say that MTV is fucking up America because of some minor gay programming?
The way you shake that ass like ho's from Harlem
Reminds me to call ya the same time tommora
Cuz baby I'm impressed, by the way you, shake them ass and hips
By the way you make me wanna leave the one I'm wit
-Murder Me



Niggas! Grip the iron and keep it cocked
Bitches! Work your clit keep that pussy hot
Cause it's all about sex, money, and murder
-Niggas & Bitches




But we're hunters, we take pride in airin our prey out
Leavin 'em layed out, dead, in just a sport
'cause we ain't playin up here in New York
-New York




This is another testimony to my life and my story
Askin you hoes, why should I talk when I got guns to speak for me
-R.U.L.E.




Nuttin but some gangsters, smokin and ridin
Come on get high with us
Come on and ride with us
-Smokin and Ridin
Now none of that is so horrible that I'd necessarily say anything bad about Ja Rule... unless he was going to be a fucking hypocrite and an ignorant douchebag, like he's being right now. I mean, we all know how homophobic some rappers can be... but dude, let's be realistic here okay? I don't know if he's coming from a religious standpoint or just a place of douchebaggery, but if it is religious... let's address that for a moment. Apparently in his religion it's not okay for two people to have a loving and monogamous relationship - if they're the same sex - but it is okay for people to cheat on their significant others, have premarital and/or extramarital sex, lie, cheat, steal, do drugs, and kill people... as long as you're not gay.

So MTV is fucking up America and promoting homosexuality... cool. Maybe I'll start watching it more often.