Thursday, September 27, 2007

His name is Alvaro

So I guess we should say something about the Pick Up Artist finale.

Meh. We just couldn't get into it with out the Joes.

"Kosmo" won. That's all we have to say about that.

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Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Mystery Drives Us To Drink

Jezebel and Adam watch Monday Night Football and The Pick Up Artist while drinking.   Do not try this at home.

Wow, that blonde guy really has the Dawson's Creek look down.

Oh yes. And now he's doing a Dylan McKay brooding look.

Did Mystery actually just say 'this medallion symbolizes joy'?
I believe he did.  Every week is a different color and means something different.
So that's not a P for Player on this week's medallion?

No, I think it's supposed to be some kind of rune symbol.

Was Mystery seriously just saying something about these guys' lives being forever changed? This is way too dramatic.

Well, this is serious to him. He used to be a dork until he got involved with the "seduction community" and helped to create all of these terms and methods and stuff. He may still be a dork underneath, but he feels like he's created a new way of life for himself and other dorks out there.
Oh, he's definitely still a dork, especially with all the terms and methods. And is this life really better for the guys? They're on a reality show trying to hook up with strippers.

Just like Bret Michaels.

Exactly! Wait, what? No.

Seriously, I see what you mean. But isn't trying to hook up with strippers better than sitting in your parents' basement playing World of Warcraft for the rest of your life?

Well, trying to hook up with strippers for the rest of your life would be pretty pathetic too.

Just like Scott Baio.

You watch way too much Celebreality.

I know. I'm just about ready for rehab. And you're right about the stripper thing. But if these crazy challenges give the guys more confidence in their everyday lives, it can only help them, right?

Not if they keep trying to dress like Mystery.

Believe me, I'm definitely not going to defend any of the fashion choices on this show.  But I still think you're wrong about Joe D. going for a rich guy look.  He looks like a guido.

Yes, he totally was.  It's certainly not a guido.  He’s not even close to Italian, and he looks too interested in what they’re saying.  That’s it,  I can’t even believe I’m watching this with you.  I’m going back to Monday Night Football.

Oh yeah, aren’t the Eagles playing the Redskins tonight?  The team with the craziest fans and the team with the most PC name.

I prefer having the crazy fans.  And lay off Philly, they’re having a tough night.

Okay, you've suffered enough.  You know, the Yankees have a real Native American player.

The Yankees just have everything, don't they? 

Listen, the Giants and Jets are both 0-2, the Mets are falling apart, and the Knicks not only suck but are also in court being sued for discrimination, which leads to me having to hear stories about Stephon Marbury banging one of the Knicks City Dancers or an intern or someone on the team bus. The Yankees are all I have, okay?

What's the discrimination suit for?  The girl he was with wasn't Native American?   Equal opportunity and all that.
Funny.  She's not actually the one suing, although I think every woman that has come into contact with Stephon Marbury is probably entitled to some sort of compensation.

Okay, okay. At least your team isn't getting its butt kicked by fake Native Americans on Monday Night Football.     

Hey, you know what would be ironic and funny?

I can only imagine.
What if the Yankees were playing the Braves in the World Series, and the Braves got beat by the Yankees' real Native American player?
But the Braves suck this year, they aren't even going to make the playoffs.

Hello, hypothetical!

But that wouldn't actually be ironic...would it?

I don't know, but wouldn't it be funny?

You're drunk.
Yeah, okay, scotch boy.  Quick, switch it back, it’s elimination time! It’s down to Joe and Kosmo, and…wait, are they…?


You’re never going to forgive me for making you watch this, are you?

I can't believe they're actually sitting there holding hands and sniffling.  I thought this show was about picking up women.

Allegedly.  Hey, what a surprise! Joe got eliminated and now the two most generically good-looking guys are in the finals.  Way to prove that looks don't have anything to do with becoming a great pick up artist, Mystery.

And if you hadn't made me change it back I would have missed the preview with Mystery wearing his fishnet and feathers outfit.  Thanks a lot.

Sorry.  I'll buy you a new bottle of scotch to make up for all this.

You're forgiven.  Can we go back to football now?

Sure.  But you know you’re totally coming over next week to watch the finale with me and Lilith, right?

I'm hanging up now.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

MTV is fucking up America? Cool.

Welcome class. We'd like to share a little vocabulary lesson with you. Today's word is "deflection".
de·flec·tion –noun
the act or state of deflecting; preventing an occurance from happening; impeding the movement of something; turning away from an initial course or straight line or point of interest; drawing attention away from something.
Can you use this word in a sentence?

When Ja Rule turned the focus of a congressional hearing on violent hip-hop music to MTV's alleged gay agenda it was a classic case of deflection.
Very good boys and girls. Tomorrow's word is "douchebag".

Put It On Me [Explicit]Apparently Ja Rule - the rapper and "actor" also known as Jeffrey Atkins - spoke out against congressional hearings on violent hip-hop music by... being an ignorant douchebag. Even though homosexuality wasn't even an issue being discussed he felt the need to deflect the attention away from the point at hand, by... being an ignorant douchebag:
"…We need to go step to MTV and Viacom, and lets talk about all these fucking shows that they have on MTV that is promoting homosexuality, that my kids can’t watch this shit. Dating shows that’s showing two guys or two girls in mid-afternoon. Let’s talk about shit like that! If that’s not fucking up America, I don’t know what is."
Now let's look for a moment at what a wonderful role model Ja Rule is for his kids (and ours)... He never finished high school, he's been arrested for gun possession, and he apparently can't do anything without having some kind of beef with another artist (for example: 50 Cent, DMX, Eminem, Dr. Dre, Busta Rhymes, etc.) His songs advocate violence, misogyny, crime, infidelity, materialism... and are filled with curses and sexual references. Now the ESC obviously has no problem with curses and sexual references. But let's not be a fucking hypocrite okay Ja?

How can a man whose songs include the following lyrics, say that MTV is fucking up America because of some minor gay programming?
The way you shake that ass like ho's from Harlem
Reminds me to call ya the same time tommora
Cuz baby I'm impressed, by the way you, shake them ass and hips
By the way you make me wanna leave the one I'm wit
-Murder Me

Niggas! Grip the iron and keep it cocked
Bitches! Work your clit keep that pussy hot
Cause it's all about sex, money, and murder
-Niggas & Bitches

But we're hunters, we take pride in airin our prey out
Leavin 'em layed out, dead, in just a sport
'cause we ain't playin up here in New York
-New York

This is another testimony to my life and my story
Askin you hoes, why should I talk when I got guns to speak for me

Nuttin but some gangsters, smokin and ridin
Come on get high with us
Come on and ride with us
-Smokin and Ridin
Now none of that is so horrible that I'd necessarily say anything bad about Ja Rule... unless he was going to be a fucking hypocrite and an ignorant douchebag, like he's being right now. I mean, we all know how homophobic some rappers can be... but dude, let's be realistic here okay? I don't know if he's coming from a religious standpoint or just a place of douchebaggery, but if it is religious... let's address that for a moment. Apparently in his religion it's not okay for two people to have a loving and monogamous relationship - if they're the same sex - but it is okay for people to cheat on their significant others, have premarital and/or extramarital sex, lie, cheat, steal, do drugs, and kill people... as long as you're not gay.

So MTV is fucking up America and promoting homosexuality... cool. Maybe I'll start watching it more often.

Friday, September 14, 2007

A Shot at Boredom

There was Flavor of Love, then I Love New York, then Charm School.  There's Bret Michaels and his many turn ons, and Scott Baio and his many hangups.  Team Lauren or Team Heidi? The Man BandMystery and his band of merry men...I mean, his posse of super-masculine straight guys.  (I'm sorry. It takes a real man to put on a stovepipe hat and aviator goggles without smudging his eyeliner.)  And don't even get us started on The Two Coreys.

The point is, we think they've finally gone too far.  Last week, MTV announced plans for a new reality dating show starring "myspace celebrity" Tila Tequila. (There aren't enough quotation marks in the world to qualify the phrase "myspace celebrity"). The show will be called A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila and will feature 32 contestants competing for Ms. Tequila's affection.  According to MTV, “Every episode will culminate in a dramatic ceremony unlike anything you’ve ever seen before.”

In a shockingly shocking twist, 16 of the suitors will be straight men and the other 16 will be lesbians. Apparently Tila is the only bisexual in the bunch, because we can't have the contestants hooking up with each other rather than her...unless they happen to be two lesbians getting together, because we know that's always wholesome fun for the whole family.

I guess all of this is supposed to be edgy, but it just comes off more like Those Drunk Girls At The Bar Who Make Out With Each Other To Get More Attention From Men: The TV Show.  We're not saying that none of us have ever been that girl, but do we need another reality show about it?  We already have The Real World.  And really, after you've watched Lacey and Sam dig through a dumpster full of garbage to find Bret's lucky guitar pick, seen Scott Baio's aging guido friend mud wrestle a bunch of girls in his underwear, and witnessed Flavor Flav taking a bubble bath with Brigitte Nielson, is anything really edgy anymore?

Maybe it's just us.   Maybe we're just burned out after our summer of Celebreality, and we need to take a break and write more about topics that don't involve crazy hats, blondes with fake boobs, or zebra print speedos.

Oh, who are we kidding?  Next season, when Produce Section of Love with Carrot Top is on right before Britney Spears is 25...and a Trainwreck, we're so there.

Sarcastic instant message commentary won't write itself.  You're welcome.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Bye Bye Pradeep!

We were a little late this week in getting around to watching The Pick Up Artist, but we had to post about it anyway because we couldn't miss the opportunity to thank all of the members of the ESC Coalition Against Pradeep for all of their hard work and dedication.

This week Pradeep was finally eliminated, after an episode full of lots of Pradickish behavior to remind us of exactly what we were all fighting for. Together we were able to make a difference. Thank you.

We're extra happy about this development because the directors of the C.A.P. were having a really hard time coming up with a catchy slogan for our anti-Pradeep cause...

Only you can prevent Pradeep.

Just Say 'No'... to Pradeep.

This is your brain on Pradeep. Any questions?

Friends don't let friends meet Pradeep.

Yeah, we had nothing. Maybe we'll just stick with what works.

In case this wasn't enough and you need more details about the guys buying lingerie... VH1's Pick Up Artist Episode 6 Recap

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Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Pradeep Sucks: A Protest

There will be no Pick-Up Artist text message commentary this week. We are protesting the loss of Gay Joe and the fact that Pradeep actually won something. We can't express our hate for him enough, so let our lack of a post do the talking for us.

If you want to know what happened in Episode 5, you can check out the VH1 blog. We're just too pissed off to be funny this time around.