Sunday, September 2, 2007

Celebreality Crossovers

I was reading a discussion on another site about The Hills (I know you'll all be shocked that the ESC watches that show). Someone made the joke that the methods taught by Mystery on The Pickup Artist must really work, since he's now dating Audrina. No, wait, that's not Mystery, it's only Justin...Bobby. It's not hard to get them confused, they're both kinda sorta okay looking in a scruffy, long-haired, bizarre fashion sense, horrible boyfriend material,  nothing-I-say-makes-any-sense- whatsoever sort of way. So I started thinking about other Celebreality crossovers that really need to happen.

As we've said before, we think that Mystery and Bret Michaels are fashion soulmates, and we would love to see a crossover special of them shopping for crazy hats, goggles, pleather jackets, and eyeliner together.

Speaking of Mystery, I think that next season of The Pickup Artist (you know they won't be able to resist doing this again) should feature Johnny V. from Scott Baio is 45...And Single. I don't actually want to see Johnny V. on my TV screen again, but someone has to teach him how to get women on his own without falling back on "come on, I'm best friends with Chachi!" Maybe after that someone else can teach him how to grow up a little and act like a human being. (Miracles do happen... sometimes.) I would suggest Doc Ali, but I wouldn't wish that kind of torture on her. Maybe instead she could head over to A&E and see if there's anything she can do for Corey Haim.  He just happens to be 35 and single.  That can't be a coincidence.

Maybe I'm okay with the idea of Johnny V. on The Pickup Artist because I figure he couldn't possibly be more annoying than Pradeep is on the show now. But since I'm such a kind person, I've come up with some ideas to help Pradeep further his TV career after he is eliminated, which we all know he will be soon, if his housemates don't kill him first.
Pradeep goes on Blind Date, and his date is...Lacey from Rock of Love! I think she could probably make him cry within 10 minutes, and be dumping his body in the lake by the end of the night.
Pradeep goes to Hawaii, where he gets busted by the gang from Dog the Bounty Hunter. Busted for what? I don't know, who cares, I just like imagining the Chapman boys dragging annoying Pradeep off to jail.

The crew from Cheaters finds Pradeep in a hotel room making a very special connection...with a tranny dominatrix. He's just working on his intimacy issues!

I'm sorry. We're just bitter. Fucking dumbass Pradeep. He sucks. Okay, moving on.

I do think that now that the men of celebreality have Doc Ali to help them out, the women need some tough love too.  The best person for that job can only been one Cindy "Rodeo" Steedle. I think she should be in charge of the next edition of Charm School. She can teach all of the girls how to behave like proper Southern ladies. Who also know how to manhandle a bitch. Just remember, it's all about the children. And phone sex. And big hats. And muscles.  And laughing like a crazy person.   Rodeo for President.

Going back to the topic of douchebags for just a minute, the ESC crystal ball tells us that a few years from now, reality-douche-of-the-moment Spencer Pratt of The Hills will reappear from obscurity (oh please, we hope) to compete on season 6 of I Love New York. Spencer will be desperate for a new pseudo-celeb girlfriend after Heidi Montag dumps him for Hugh Hefner.  The #3 girlfriend spot at the Playboy Mansion opens up when Kendra leaves to attend Rodeo's Charm School (she's already got the laugh down), and Heidi can't resist the new famewhoring opportunity.

I heard a horrible, scary rumor that Heidi was working on an album with Spencer's "help", and that a song was leaked that featured his rapping skills.  (Having to imagine terrible crimes against humanity like that is clearly my punishment for knowing way too much about celebrity crap.  I accept it.)  So maybe if things with New York don't work out, someday he'll be a candidate for Mission: Man Band.  Like a new Vanilla Ice.   And you know somebody is a major creep when a comparison like that makes you feel like you've just insulted Vanilla Ice's artistic integrity.

Speaking of Ice and the Manbanders (which actually would be an awesome band name), I'm surprised Rock of Love's Heather hasn't shown up yet at the current Man Band house in Orlando hoping that Vanilla Ice might be there, since she never got to successfully "bang" him on Surreal Life. When Heather found out that Ice wasn't a manbander, you know she'd make the best of the situation and settle for that LFO guy instead, and also take some time out to discuss hair products with gay Jeff from 98 Degrees. She's a Renaissance woman.

If Rodeo gets to be a Charm School mistress and Heather gets to hook up with more washed up white boys, then I think Sam, Brandi M., and Jes should get their own Laguna Beach/The Hills type show where nothing ever really happens, but we just get to watch them hang out and go shopping and eat frozen yogurt and hang out at bars and have slumber parties and talk about boys and just generally be cool and say funny things.  Maybe they could even invite Lacey for the slumber party episode, because come to think of it, she does kinda remind us of that crazy bitch who showed up to Brenda's slumber party on 90210, and almost ruined everyone's night until it turned out that she was just insecure and also hungry and cranky and moody because of her secret addiction to diet pills, but then the girls had a girly heart-to-heart and promised to all be friends and so she was cured and had some Oreos and everyone had a great time and  then she was never seen or heard from again.

And since there's no way I can end this with a picture of fucking annoying Lacey of all people:

Did I miss anything?

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