Dear Jewelry Company Executives and Ad Agencies,
It has come to our attention after our eight millionth jewelry commercial viewing of this holiday season that you may have some misconceptions about this whole holiday gift-giving process. We'd like to try to help.
1) Some women actually do not like diamonds.
We'll give you a couple of seconds to let that one sink in.
So, some women don't like diamonds, and even if they do, they do not necessarily want to own the exact same diamond stud earrings or goofy squiggly pendant as every other woman on the planet. This is because women are individuals. Mind-blowing, we know.
2) That whole 'Dad is totally clueless about what to buy for the woman he allegedly loves until his overly precious young child helps him realize that Mom really wants one of those generic diamond squiggles from one of those generic chain jewelry stores, thereby saving the holiday for the whole family' thing? Really not cute or funny. Please stop.
3) If a man buys jewelry for a woman, this does not make him a hero. It makes him...a man who bought jewelry. By the same token, if a man doesn't buy jewelry for a woman, this does not automatically make him the biggest loser on Earth. Believe it or not, there are many many many things other than diamonds that qualify as good gifts, and actual creativity in choosing a gift is often appreciated.
4) Just a thought here, but gay couples buy jewelry too. Some diversity in your commercials might be nice. Actually, scratch that. Gay couples have enough to deal with without also having to be annoyed by your horrible cheesy advertising. Forget we said anything.
5) Please discontinue the sappy, whiny, and lame musical selections, most especially if you've chosen to take a real holiday song and change the lyrics to make it all about buying crappy jewelry.
Thank you for your consideration in this important matter. If you'd like some helping coming up with some better and less offensive ad campaigns, we'd be happy to work on some ideas if you send us some free samples. We can sell them and use the cash to buy each some gifts that we'll actually like.
The Evil Slut Clique
Exhibit C (Okay, we cheated, this is a Valentines Day ad, but we couldn't leave off Kay Jewelers since they have possibly the most annoying slogan and music of all) :