Tuesday, August 28, 2007

This is all a little too "fruity" for me


Jezebel and Lilith watch The Pick-Up Artist... and then resist the urge to vomit.



Ewwww. Are you watching this?

I'm watching on and off. I had to change it when they were making out with peaches.

Yeah, we need a disclaimer: Tonight's text message commentary will be limited this evening because we're both too grossed out.

Lilith and Jezebel had to reach for the tequila after the peach orgy, so we can't remember the rest of the episode.

We interrupt this blog to wash our eyes out with bleach.

Mystery just said "kino escalate".

How can they get a kiss at the club if they couldn't even get phone numbers last time!?

Obviously because he taught them a bunch of lame buzzwords like "kino" and they spent some quality time caressing produce.

Not really into it tonight... But I do love watching them make fun of Pradeep.

I'm a VIP! I'm a VIP!

Free alcohol!

Is Scott hitting on couples?

He's a "weird ethereal ghostlike robot". No clue what any of them are doing, but I love the Joes anyway.

Jezebel... I think you have a great smile.

And I love your heavy eyelashes.

Oh my God! Check out Kosmo! This girl is nuts.

We have a winner, lol.

I was just thinking that girl only kissed Kosmo cause she couldn't see that ugly ass stripey shirt.

Where did he make up these medallion symbols from?

Magic the Gathering cards maybe?

Yay! He saved the Joes!

For a sec I was afraid he was going to choose fucking Pradeep.

What is Brady wearing?

They look like a band of hipster drag pirates.

"Arrrr!" I still need to know what's up with the hat. He's like the Godfather of metrosexuality.

Oh weird that "Matador" thinks it seems prepackaged... maybe because it is!

I think Scott's going home. I hate Pra-dick.

That would suck cause I really think Mystery wanted to ditch Pradeep last week when gay Joe was dumb enough to protect him.

No fucking way!!

Mystery, fuck you and your hat!

He's like the LaceyLacey of this show.

"The Scott is coming". Oh good.

And next week they're all crying over their fakey medallions.

I can't wait to see why they're all crying.

Okay here's a question. Which show is sadder, the Pick-Up Artist or Mission: Man Band?

I can't even watch Man Band.

It's almost like I feel guilty if I don't watch it, lol.

I'm just waiting for Scott Baio is 46... and a Daddy.


The actual Pick-Up Artist Episode 4 Recap courtesy of the VH1 Blog. 

Shock Treatment

Fantasy Celebs

Our guest blogger Adam is here to tackle the weird trend of celebrity fantasy games. Enjoy!

As a relatively normal guy, I have to say I couldn't care less about the antics of Britney Spears or Paris Hilton. To me this stuff is just taking up valuable news space that could be better used for sports, or world news, or even movie listings. Watching other people screw up their lives just doesn't interest me.

But what if you were to make a game out of it? I'm a big fantasy football fan, so around this time of year my head gets a bit funny to begin with. Earlier this week I heard about sites like 
FaFaRAZZI and Tabloid Fantasy League that let you draft a team of hot young starlets (or their male counterparts), and compete with your friends to see whose fantasy team of train wrecks are the most wild, crazy, written about and/or photographed, depending on your league rules. According to Fafarazzi.com, it "works just like fantasy sports leagues - except instead of scores being tallied for homeruns and touchdowns, they're for catfights, divorces and baby bumps!"

This completely changes my reaction to celebrity news. I actually stopped watching the news altogether to avoid the Paris Hilton prison fiasco. Now I realize that it wasn't just a petulant rich girl's attempt to avoid the consequences of her actions. That was a Peyton Manning-esque attempt at breaking the record for most touchdowns in a single season. Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears are workhorses around which you base your whole team. There are even leagues based on our favorite shows like Rock of Love or The Pick-Up Artist, where you pick a contestant and get points when they do something crazy like dumping a drink on someone or touching Mystery's
fuzzy hat.

Just think of it! Draft parties, weekly get togethers to read your team's updates and get scores, the emailing, the trashtalking. It's a great way to get guys involved, although forgive us if we whip out our stat sheet in the middle of the show. Maybe this isn't the best time, since football is just around the corner, but I've got fantasy on the brain and I can't help myself. I wonder if Brangelina counts as one draft pick or two?

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

The ESC Coalition Against Pradeep

Jezebel and Lilith watch the Pick-Up Artist... again. Hijinks still do not ensue.

(In case you don't know what we're talking about... The Pick-Up Artist Episode 3 Recap.)



Mystery looks almost normal today.

I almost forgot it was on! Dude, the blond guy is totally gay!

lol... It's not fair that they have to tell the same story to the kids. Whoever goes last is unlucky.

Totally true. You're lucky if you can get them to sit through it once.

I think fat Joe should win.

Me too... I loved Mystery's face when Pradeep was screwing up.

Nooo. Mystery should pick, not let the little girls vote! Ew I hate Pradeep!


Yeah this is ridiculous.

He sucks! And now "Kosmo with a K" thinks Pradeep is a genius?

I can't imagine living with a jerk like him.

Dude... is he doing that "here is the church here is the steeple" thing? I do not get that gambit at all. Or the term "gambit".

lol... This isn't going to give him a competitive advantage because he's fucking annoying.

Yeah I like how they zoomed in on him when they said "you don't tell a long boring story" lol.

What's up with Mystery's grandpa vest?

I want the old virgin to win!

We may need to do a drinking game for this show too. I wonder if Mystery and Bret Michaels go hat shopping together?

I was just thinking of Rodeo and her thing about "kids love me because of my hats".

You know its all about the children.

Maybe that's why Mystery looked so normal before? He didn't want to scare the kids.

What the fuck is Pradeep wearing!? / What the fuck is Pradeep's shirt all about?

lol, ESP! / haha... ESP.

Oh! ESP again! haha!!

Oh my God! I know that twirl move! Remember that guy at the bar who pulled that on me to get my seat! He learned that from Mystery!

On the plus side, I think we made it all the way to the third episode before a Dungeons & Dragons reference.

I have a feeling the old virgin is going home soon. Even if he does all right he's still twice those girls' ages. Not fair.

Yeah I feel bad for him. I do like both Joes.

PS: Scott Baio sucks. Just for the record. 

 

lol... Oh God. I love how mad they get when the guys try to have a normal conversation instead of rehearsed material.

I know!

"We're all in the furniture business."

Ew! Pradeep is a cockblocker!

Aw, I love little gay Joe.

I knew it'd be one of the Joes. I prefer fat Joe. He reminds me of a guy I'd date... which is... sad... for me.

Okay, my love for gay Joe is on hold because that conversation with Pradeep was total BS.

Off subject - I kinda want to see the The Nanny Diaries but I'm annoyed by that.

I read the book. It was good but kind of depressing, but the movie looks cute.

NO! THIS IS BULLSHIT!

Totally but I saw it coming. I still can't get over those medallions.

Brady did badly, but I know he stays because I saw him in a later preview at the beginning of the season. Poor Fred is going home.

Yeah you can see it coming. This whole setup isn't really fair to him.

Totally unfair. I'm gonna track him down & buy him a hooker. At least maybe he can use what he learned on older ladies?

Yeah hopefully it'll help Fred because people will recognize him and whatever.

Recognize him as a virgin! "Looks can only get us so far"... but Brady you're good looking so you can stay. BS!

Uh oh... next week is kissing lessons! ew!

Yeah really, I don't know if I'm ready to watch that.


For last week's "text message commentary" of Episode 2 - CLICK HERE


Shock Treatment

Monday, August 20, 2007

Rock of Love Drinking Game

The closer this series gets to the finale (there are only six sexy ladies left)... the closer we are to... a Rock of Love Marathon! (Come on, you know they're going to do one... and even if they don't, VH1 repeats their shows so often that we're bound to be watching this one for months).

Since we love bad reality shows like Rock of Love and we love drinking even more...



The Rock of Love Drinking Game



Take a drink every time:

-Bret says that something turns him on (Lacey's musical talent, Erin's total lack of musical talent, the fact that Sam is a fan of his music, the fact that Magdalena has never heard his music, someone's fake plastic breasts, the fake plastic fern in the corner, etc.)

-Bret mentions that he has a hard on


-Heather flashes her breasts

-Rodeo cries...or laughs...or wheezes...or all three at the same time

-you see Mia and wonder, "who the hell is that chick?"

-Lacey tells us that she is a musician

-Sam gets googly-eyed because she dreams of a serious relationship with Bret

-Sam cries because Bret kisses/touches/looks at/stands near/breaths on another girl

-someone mentions making a "connection"

-someone says "I'm really here for love"


-someone accuses someone else of being there for fame or TV


-one of girls talks about how one of the other girls doesn't deserve Bret or isn't right for him

-one of the girls pole dances

-Tiffany says "Don't threaten me with a good time!"


-Tiffany says something incomprehensible

-we're reminded that Heather is a  stripper

-Lacey schemes a way to get another girl kicked off


-one of the girls mentions how much they hate Lacey (drink double if it's Jes, triple if the terms "devil", "demon" or "evil bitch from hell" are used)


-Brandi C. calls Bret her "boyfriend"

-someone says the phrase "clown tits" or "circus tits"

-Rodeo mentions "the children"


-
Heather or Lacey tries to "protect Bret" by telling him shit about the other girls

-Lacey and Dallas fight over killing animals 

-Bret gives Brandi M. a new random nickname

-the producers slow down Magdalena's voice to sound even lower than it already is

-one of the girls makes fun of another girl for being too manly (bonus drink if it's Magdalena talking about Rodeo)

-Bret has trouble fitting the VIP pass over someone's huge/ridiculous hairstyle


-Bret mentions that every night is a party when you're on tour

-
there is mention of the "party" getting started

-Kristia and Brandi C. talk about being "best friends"


-Lacey... is annoying

-someone mentions Erin's "boyfriend" or "fiance"


-someone with huge fake breasts makes fun of someone else for having huge fake breasts

-someone references "Every Rose Has Its Thorn", or you hear it playing in the background

-Bret's hair looks ridiculous

-Bret's outfit looks ridiculous

(Who are we kidding with this?  We're all going to die of alcohol poisoning.)


We'd like to give a very special thank you Tess, Shar, the Bearded Lady, verlybabe, raz and the rest of the evil sluts from our message board who helped contribute to this game. We'd also like to thank Rich Juzwiak, the writer of the VH1 Celebreality blog. We love him. More than he could ever know. His blogs are as entertaining than the shows themselves. Maybe more so.

 Rock of Love: Season 1
Watch Rock of Love Now
Buy Rock of Love Now

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

you're not a special snowflake!





Watching the Pick-Up Artist officially makes me feel dirty, lol.

Me too, lol. Oh god... "Kosmo with a K" geez.

Lol, come on, that's totally money. The captions are great... "loves musical theater" "held back by cynicism".

Yeah I liked the "Not Alvaro" caption, lol.

Pradeep: "puts himself on a pedestal" lol! Fuck. I'm officially sucked in by this dumbass show.

I officially want Spoon to win. He's precious.

I'm sorry, but what the fuck is with the hat? And the medallions? He's like Criss Angel Mindfreak meets a drag queen meets a Hot Topic whiny emo goth teenager.

Wait... did he just say "you're not a special snowflake"?


Hahaha! Yes he did. Goddammit, Spoon IS a special snowflake! Aw, I want them all to stay...

Wait... what!? Noooooo! Why? Okay I guess Spoon stays a virgin. Coward. But I'm glad the old guy has a chance to stay. He needs it.


Officially a sucky ending. And next week they ALL start wearing stupid hats.

Is that a requirement? And dude, is that lipmark a tattoo or what?

I really hope it's not a tattoo. But the silly hat thing would be helpful for identification, lol.

And I think this text convo is our blog entry for tomorrow.


In case you don't know what we're talking about:
The Pick-Up Artist, Episode 2 Recap

Sunday, August 12, 2007

The Pick-Up Artist

Okay, I don't know how many of you out there have caught the new VH1 show - part of it's stellar non-musical reality TV programming that we've come to love - called The Pick-Up Artist. (Sadly, it has nothing to do with the Robert Downey Jr/Molly Ringwald movie of the same name and yes, I realize I just aged myself by making a reference no one born later than 1983 could ever get).

As a woman (or really, as a human being) I find the whole premise of the show offensive to begin with. But hey, I love me some bad reality TV. So when I saw commercials for this show (while watching Scott Baio is 45... and Single oh the shame) I admit I was intrigued. Mostly because I can't imagine the star, Mystery, could ever be a "master pick up artist" (or any kind of pick-up artist for that matter).

Mystery is scary. He wears more makeup and jewelry than I do. I'm serious, he is crazily over-accessorized. What was with the goggles? Are we supposed to believe that while he's not hitting on chicks and/or teaching young men to do the same... he's a part-time pilot? He also seems to have a hat fetish, which is a shame because unlike most of the men who keep their heads covered to hide the fact that they're balding (ex. Bret Michaels... allegedly!) he has a gorgeous head of hair. I mean, really. I need to know what kind of conditioner he uses. Is it Pantene? I need to get some for myself because my hair doesn't have half the shine and body that his does.

Anyway... his hair aside, even though I'm not all about looks... I would never sleep with someone who looked or dressed like he does. And I have really low standards. Any guy I've ever dated will prove that.

Also I don't get the name. Why he is so mysterious? What is the mystery? Is it "how can a guy who looks so much like a woman pick up chicks?" The name even has a kind of drag queen vibe to it... like "Miss Understood"... I guess the way he dresses, he almost is like a drag queen. I guess you could say he's a male impersonator? Or, um a man trapped in the body of a... um... stylish man? I don't know...

Anyway, Mystery has two sidekicks (who we're supposed to believe are former students of his) "Matador" and "J-Dog". Again, where are they getting these nicknames from? Did Flavor Flav give them those names on his show? Matador's name obviously comes from his success with um... bulls? Isn't that kind of gay? Seeing as bulls are male... so wouldn't "Cowboy" be more appropriate. (Actually scratch that idea, that sounds even gayer. Almost like, Village People gay). Where's Rodeo when you need her? Also, every time I say his name in my head I'm shouting in it a Spanish accent: "Mah-tah-doooooor!"

J-Dog on the hand (who clearly didn't get the memo about the "double-g" thing) has kind of a punk Pepe Le Pew thing happening with his hair. I can just imagine his original lessons with Mystery, being told "you need something edgy to make you stand out. I know! Let's paint some stripes in your hair! Yeah! Also... can you fake a British accent?"

Truth be told, if Mystery, Matador or J-Dog came up to me at a bar, I'd be so turned off and freaked out that I'd probably run away screaming. (Okay, maybe I wouldn't literally run away screaming. I'd probably let them buy me a drink and then I'd calmly walk away while rolling my eyes and then go talk shit about them in the ladies room).

Of the contestants (yeah did I forget to mention that if they don't "learn" well enough they get eliminated and sent home one by one, oh don't worry, these guys are used to rejection) only a few stand out enough for me to make fun of... There's a slightly pudgy Asian guy who is adorably clueless about women. At one point while at the bar he says to a girl "I'm just not good at talking". His name is Spoon. Yeah, I don't get it either. My mother watched a few minutes of the show with me and has decided that she wants Spoon to win... and also date me.
"Why can't you bring home a nice guy like that?"

"Um... you want me to bring home a chubby Asian guy with glasses and a teddy bear t-shirt... who is on a
reality show?"
The rest of the cast is a handful of stereotypes... the typical gawky nerd with glasses... the "old" guy (a 45-year-old virgin, aw)... the chubby guy... the "women think I'm gay" guy... etc. There are a handful of guys who if I saw them in a bar, I would actually find more attractive than the so-called experts on the show. In fact, I'm so turned off by the cockiness of Mystery, Matador and J-Dog that I'd be more likely to go for one of the lovable "losers" in a heartbeat. (There was a guy one time who talked me up at the bar with stories of how he used to wet the bed as a child... and I actually ended up dating him briefly, so yeah, I do have low standards). None of guys on the show seem that hopeless except for the fact that they don't know how to talk to women... or people... or animals... or inanimate objects.

At one point during the show, Mystery sends the guys off into a "real bar" with "real women" who "aren't paid actresses" (okay, sure) to test how pathetic they actually are... They were all pretty pathetic.

Whoever wins at the end of the show gets to be Mystery's new ultimate master pick-up artist and work with him and Matador and J-Dog. Now, no matter how well they do in the "contest" you just know the new ultimate master pick up artist isn't going to be the old guy or the fat guy... not to be mean, but can you really see them hanging out with Mystery and Matador at a club? It's kind of how you knew Bret Michaels wasn't going to pick a black chick on Rock of Love, but he kept Dallas around for two whole episodes just to prove that he has nothing against black chicks. But just to ensure that it wouldn't be a black chick, they cast the most volatile black chick in the world. So let's just say that my money's on a big-breasted blonde winning, but I digress.

It's just not even fair for a 45 year old guy who's slightly balding to compete with the other guys and pick up women in their 20s at a bar like the younger guys. It's just not a fair playing ground. He could probably get some serious tail with a 35-55 crowd but with the under-30 women he's just "that creepy old guy talking to me at the bar".

Overall, this show just about broke my heart. I felt so bad for these guys. Not because they're "ugly" or "awkward" or "nerdy" or whatever... just because they were so scared and so sad when they got rejected. I actually felt guilty about every guy I ever rejected in a bar, while watching this show... Well, okay, not every one. Not the ones who were assholes... just the hopelessly clueless dorky ones. I feel so terrible now, looking back!! It almost makes me feel bad about every guy I made fun of.

I get that any guy can meet women if he's confident, etc but I think if Mystery, Matador or J-Dog were ugly it'd be a whole different thing. "Game" can't be everything. I think at least part of what's going on in that bar is that the chicks would rather talk to the hot guy than the short, fat, ugly, and/or old guy. Even if he is wearing a furry top hat (what the fuck was up with that? - he looks like that chick from 4 Non Blondes - uh oh, did I just age myself again with that reference? Oh well).

I also want to say for the record, that I felt that showing a clip of two dudes (the chubby one and the "not gay" one) bending over in Speedos at the pool was a tad unnecessary. The show should have had a parental guidance warning for Gratuitous Speedo.

At the end of the episode, Mystery tells the guys, "Who you are today dies here. Tomorrow the education begins". Wow, that was heavy. But why didn't they get to have a kick ass Native American ritual like the guys from Mission: Man Band?

This show should be called Mission: Man Whore.

Shock Treatment
Watch The Pick-Up Artist

Thursday, August 2, 2007

View/Review

So I watched The View today and I didn't burst into flames! Now I normally wouldn't watch the View, except that I heard my beloved Chelsea Handler was going to be guest hosting. Well Chelsea did a lovely job (when she was allowed to get a word in, which wasn't often) and was scathingly funny as usual. The rest of those dumb bitches though... Well to put it nicely, let's just say that I probably won't become a regular View-viewer. To put it not-so-nicely, I kinda want to wash my eye sockets out with acid right now.

Actually, I'll correct that... Joy Behar is alright. In some ways, she is who I might be in 20-30 years (minus the hit talk show of course, although keep your fingers crossed... if Tyra can do it, anyone can). She's just a funny, down-to-earth, liberal, New York girl... who hates Starr Jones.

I'm not really a fan of Barbara Walters, but I'm not going to say anything bad about her specifically because she has enough money and power to have me killed. And who knows, some day we might be so immensely popular that Babs (if she's still alive, who knows how long fame will take) will interview us and I don't want to be the evil slut that she makes cry. Honestly though, the only woman who scares me more than her is Oprah, but it's a really close second.

My real rant today is about that Elisabeth Hasselbeck woman. What the fuck is with that dumb bitch? My initial aversion to her was mostly based on her blonde perkiness and the fact that she was a contestant on Survivor (and maybe, slightly based on the fact that she's one of the thinnest pregnant woman I've ever seen, not including Nicole Richie) but I had a no idea how much I would hate her once she opened her pretty little mouth.

Apparently, Lizzie (which I will now refer to her as from this point forward, even though I bet no one is ever allowed to call her that in real life) represents the "conservative" position on the show. (Just as Starr represented the "black bitchy lawyer" view, Rosie O'Donnell represented the "loud liberal lesbian" view, and Babs represents the "I'm so rich I could buy and sell you" view). Now as anyone with a brain can guess... the Evil Slut Clique leans a little bit to the left. Like... so far to the left that we look like we could use a V-8... but anyway... what really bothered me about Lizzie's comments on today's show was not really "political" so much as just... bitchy.

Apparently Melanie Brown ("Scary Spice") had a baby with Eddie Murphy and he refused to admit that the baby was his until they did a paternity test. I didn't know this because I could care less about the lives of former Spice Girls (well except maybe "Posh Spice", because she's married to the hottie-metrosexual-footballer David Beckham). So my whole opinion on the baby scandal is "big fucking whoop", but okay, they were talking about it.

The "hot topic" was whether you should tell your kids if they were "wanted" or "planned" or if they were... an "accident". Now, I really don't like to refer to any children as "accidents" because it has the connotation of "mistake". I think unplanned is a better way to put it - or in the case of my own children - Surprise! Then the subject evolved into couples having babies without being married (both in an Elizabeth Hurley kind of way and a Brangelina kind of way). And that dumb bitch Lizzie had the nerve to say that basically (I'm paraphrasing) it's lazy and irresponsible to not go all the way and just get married if you have a kid. She went on to spout off some made-up statistics (well, okay I'm sure they weren't made-up but just that I know she didn't actually read any of these so-called studies that exist) on how bad it is for kids to grow up with unmarried parents. When asked "but isn't it better to have happy unmarried parents, than unhappy married ones?" she said "Why can't you do both?" Um. Okay.

Now I won't deny that there is evidence that a stable, intact home environment with two active parents is better than say, being raised by Britney Spears... but I was really offended by the insinuation that "marriage" suddenly means everything is okay. I was raised by divorced parents and I would have been way more screwed up than I am now if those two people had continued to live together as husband and wife. Also, I resent the implication that somehow that little piece of paper that is a marriage license somehow makes your love more true and your life more stable.

But anyway... later they interviewed Julia Stiles and insisted on asking her such hard-hitting questions about her career as "don't you want to get married and make babies!?" I have absolutely nothing but respect for her though because she apparently has a degree in English from Columbia and I doubt you'll read anything bad about her in the tabloids anytime soon. They actually asked her about that - why she didn't end up like "other young starlets" (no names... Lindsay Lohan). I respect Julia's reluctance to talk bad about any of those skanks  (I respect it, but I don't share it) and her observation that it's really just a "choice" and that she chooses to focus on her career. Conclusion: Julia Stiles; good.

The next guest was none other than the deliciously over-tanned Zac Efron of Disney's High School Musical fame. Through his entire interview all I wanted to do was push his flawlessly highlighted hipster haircut out of his eyes. Now say what you want about him, but I have a special place in my heart for all the HSM kids (totally psyched for the sequel August 17, yeah I said it). He will always be Troy to me even when he inevitably stars on the Surreal Life Season 30 or Zac Efron is 45... and Single. Lizzie proved herself to be even more of a moron when she confused Hairspray with High School Musical. (Okay, so they're both cheesy musical films in which Zac overacts and grins a lot... but yeah, Lizzie's a dumb bitch).

Chelsea Handler was the highlight of the show. Each time they allowed her to speak (about every 12 minutes) were just heaven. (Don't miss her on the Late Show with David Letterman tonight!) And Julia Stiles is now more than just my favorite teen-Shakespeare-remake-chick (O, 10 Things I Hate About Youand Hamlet with Ethan Hawke). Unfortunately, everything else sucked balls and I don't plan to ever ever ever ever watch the show again.

Well, unless maybe Ashley Tisdale and Vanessa Hudgens co-host.