Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Random Reality Rant

I just saw a commercial for the new Vh1 reality show Celebracadabra, and I just need to talk through my feelings a little bit.
Get ready for VH1's new series Celebracadabra; a celeb-reality challenge unlike any other. 7 stars team up with 7 professional magicians in a race to become the ultimate celebrity magician. Watch as Celebrity Fit Club host Ant, Pussycat Doll Kimberly Wyatt, comedian Hal Sparks, singer Carnie Wilson, 80s icon C. Thomas Howell, Kid N' Play's Chris "Kid" Reid, and actress Lisa Ann Walter duke it out while learning tricks that can take the masters years to master.

Street Magic, Children's Magic, Comedy Magic, Cabaret Magic, Strolling Magic, Phobia Magic -- our celebs do it (or at least attempt to do it) all. Their work will be judged by a panel of 3 superstar magicians. Each week, one of the celebrities will be eliminated, until the final two battle it out in Las Vegas for our Grand Illusion finale.

Who will be the Ultimate Celebrity Sorcerer and take home a grand prize of $100,000? Find out this season on VH1's Celebracadabra.

So $100,000 is the going rate for dignity these days?  Good to know.  Are people really even that jazzed to watch magicians, let alone washed up D-listers trying and failing at being magicians?  And with cast members like C. Thomas Howell and a Pussycat Doll, aren't they really pushing the concept of "celeb"reality to its limits?  And Carnie Wilson on another reality show, really?  I mean, really?  Shouldn't she be spending her time seeing if the reunited New Kids On The Block will let Wilson Phillips open up for them on tour?  And Hal Sparks, I know it's been awhile since I Love the 90s and there's probably no Queer as Folk reunion in the works any time soon, but is this really necessary?  Couldn't you at least wait for the next Surreal Life?  What's next, Celebrity Crochet Club?

I'm just bitter, is all.  On the bright side, at least there won't be any creepy incesty dance numbers like on Your Mama Don't Dance.  And nobody will be attempting to sing country music like on Secret Talents of the Stars or Gone Country...which, wasn't Carnie Wilson on that show too?  I think I need to go lie down.

Wait, I just read on feministing that the WE channel is airing a new show called Bulging Brides ("the perfect day is still pounds away!"),
a quality bit of programming "in which women buy wedding dresses two sizes too small, and rely on a drill-sergeant-like trainer to get them to lose the weight by their wedding day".  Wow, that's just great, I feel so much better now.

Oh yeah, the second season of A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila is also premiering soon.  I fully believe that this time she'll really make a meaningful connection with someone and go on to have a very happy, mature and successful relationship until it's time to start casting for A Shot at Love Season 3.  And I heard a rumor that Domenico, the Italian guy that Tila eliminated in season one, got his own dating show called That's Amore that involved challenges like diving into giant pools of spaghetti to collect meatballs, and seeing which girl (with the help of her parents!) could suck the most cream out of a cannoli, but I don't believe such stories could possibly be true.

Also, the fact that there are two former cast members from
Saved By The Bell now hosting dance-themed reality shows, but only one Beverly Hills 90210 cast member doing the same must create some sort of imbalance in the universe.  We need to fix this right away.  Luke Perry could host a celebrity ballet competition, or Shannen Doherty could do a show where people go around and try to start dance off contests in the street.  Think about it, Vh1.  You need to make up for the fact that you've not only allowed Danny Bonaduce to star in his own reality show, but are now letting him host one.

All of this almost makes us wish for the return of Mystery and his fuzzy, feathery, bemeshed wardrobe and his goofily nicknamed sidekicks and his stupid made up words and phrases and his fakey manhood medallions.   Almost.

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