Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The Vampire Diaries: True Blood Lite?

Okay so we tried to watch Vampire Diaries... (still nursing that True Blood dependency). We've watched a few episodes so far and while it's not the worst show in the world, it is pretty cheesy.

At first it struck us as a little bit of a Twilight rip-off, but then we found out that the books that it's based on were written several years before the Twilight books, so who knows, maybe Twilight ripped them off? We'd like to pretend that that's true. (Although the truth is the fact that they've turned these books into a TV show now, of all times, is probably in an attempt at winning some of the Twilight audience. Yep, those sexy teenager vampires are hot right now!)

The Vampire Diaries is pretty tame compared to True Blood. It's basically "True Blood Lite" or "True Blood Teen". And okay, maybe it's not fair for us to compare it to True Blood - it's on a totally different network, based on a totally different story from a totally different set of books, and has a totally different target audience. But we can't help it. We miss True Blood and therefore we're unable to watch any vampire show without comparing it.

So instead of giving the show an actual review (which would end up being totally biased and True Blood-centric anyway) we've decided to just prepare a comparative guide... to see how The Vampire Diaries measures up against True Blood, Twilight and one of our old favorites Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Obviously there are some minor spoilers in here, but if it means that much to you, then you shouldn't be reading reviews anyway... you should just be watching it already.

If Vampire Diaries was True Blood, there would have been a lot more sex and bloodshed (probably in combination) by now. So far there's only been one bloody sex scene and it was non-consensual (the biting, not the sex) and she doesn't remember it the next day anyway. Although it is on the CW at 8:00 - and is marketing primarily to teens and young adults - so we probably can't expect any of the soft core porn that HBO provides.

If Vampire Diaries was Twilight, there would never be any sex, ever.

If Vampire Diaries was True Blood, they wouldn't buy the whole "animal attack" excuse that everyone's been giving for the unexplained, gruesome killings. They would at least investigate the deaths as possible homicides (if not death-by-supernatural-causes). Even a drunken Andy Bellefleur wasn't as inept as the Mystic Falls police department apparently seems to be.

If Vampire Diaries was Buffy the Vampire Slayer, vampires wouldn't want to go back to high school even if they were trying to date teenage girls. Angel never wished he could go back to high school to freshen up on his algebra... he just saw Buffy in the p.m., like a good vampire boyfriend should.

If Vampire Diaries was True Blood, Stefan would've warned Elena to stay the hell away from his homicidal brother Damon. Even if he didn't want to admit to her that his brother is a vampire, he could've still done more to protect her, like Bill has always tried to keep Eric and Sookie apart.

If Vampires Diaries was Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Elena wouldn't need Stefan to protect her in the first place... She'd have totally kicked Damon's ass by now. (Either that or she would've slept with him - or maybe both.)

If Vampire Diaries was True Blood, we wouldn't keep expecting someone to burst into a song about the mall the entire time.

If Vampire Diaries was True Blood, Bonnie wouldn't suddenly start having psychic powers just because her grandmother told her she was a witch. Sookie had her powers of telepathy since she was a child. She's now first realizing that she may not be human... but she always knew she was "different". Sam also discovered that he was a shapeshifter early in life. Their powers didn't just come out of nowhere.

If Vampire Diaries was Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Bonnie would also be a lesbian.

If Vampire Diaries was True Blood, Stefan and Damon would be dead already from going out in the daylight. (In fact, they would be sick just from staying awake during the daytime, even if they stayed inside.)

If Vampire Diaries was Twilight, the sunlight would make the vampires... sparkle.
We're not completely sure how we feel about the show yet... but apparently the network is feeling pretty good. Its premiere on September 10 scored 4.8 million viewers, making it the CW's most watched new series ever. The CW recently ordered nine more scripts (in addition to the 13 episodes already picked up). It might never be as amazing as True Blood but it's definitely helping us pass the time...

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