Thursday, May 27, 2010

Even if you don't watch Glee, you still need to see this...

Update: They keep taking the videos down, so here's a transcript

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Waiting still sucks. Until True Blood starts up again next month, we will continue with the ESC's Guide to Supernatural Creatures.

Apparently the five main causes of vampirism are:
  1. Evil curse and/or magic.
  2. Vampire bite.
  3. Blood drinking.
  4. Virus.
  5. Genetics.
Sometimes it takes a combination of two or three of the above (most commonly, being bitten by a vampire and then drinking vampire blood). Also, mythologies in which vampirism is genetically passed or "spread" by biting, still need some explanation for the origin of the first vampire and then it's bite-and-go from there on.

So here's the ESC's totally-not-complete guide to becoming a vampire based on some of our favorite (and least favorite) vampire movies, TV shows, and books...

How to Become a Vampire
(or... How to Avoid Becoming a Vampire)

Gardella Vampire Chronicles
(We predict that it's only a matter of time before this series become a movie or TV show.)
  • Evil curse and/or magic.
The first vampire was Judas who was seduced by Lucifer after he betrayed Jesus. God cursed him and his descendants to walk the earth forever and fearing that he would never be forgiven Judas hanged himself. So Lucifer used him to create a new half-man/half-demon race of blood-drinking creatures... a.k.a. vampires. [more]
  • Vampire bite + Blood drinking.
Regular vampires are turned by a combination of being bitten and ingesting vampire blood.
(And well, any number of the millions of versions of Dracula-stories out there.)
  • Evil Curse and/or Magic
Ol' Vlad returned from battle to find his wife dead (she killed herself because she thought he was dead, all very R+J). When he learned that she wouldn't get to Heaven because of the suicide, he renounced God and swore to rise from the grave to avenge her "with all the powers of darkness." And somehow that worked!
Another version (from the Topps Comics' Dracula: Vlad the Impaler mini series) explains it a bit differently... Vlad is beheaded by a Turkish assassin and his headless body is stored in a Monastery. One of his descendants has the head brought to the monastery and he tries to resurrect him through an incantation. However, he's killed before he can finish and his blood is spilled onto Vlad's corpse which resurrects him. Um... okay.[more]
  • Vampire bite + Blood drinking.
Dracula turns others into vampires with a blood exchange combination of him biting them and making them ingesting his blood.
  • Vampire bite.
You can become a vampire just by being bitten by a vampire. (Or by being otherwise "injected" with their "venom". Yummy.)
  • Genetics.
Apparently in the Twilight universe, vampires can have babies. Vampire Edward impregnates human Bella and they have a "half-vampire" daughter. Of course, she almost kills her mother from the inside out, but well, nobody said parenthood was easy. (My real question is why his venomous sperm didn't turn Bella into a vampire in the first place? Stephenie Meyer, you make no sense!)
  • Blood drinking
You drink blood to become a "half-vampire" and then you have to kill someone to become a "full-vampire".

(and also Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel and well, a lot of others...)

  • Vampire bite + Blood drinking
Three easy steps to vampirism... A vampire bites you and drinks your blood. You drink the vampire's blood. You are buried and wake up as a vampire the next evening.

  • Vampire bite + Blood drinking + Blood drinking again!
One blogger referred to it as "musical blood chairs". First you're bitten by a vampire, then you drink the vampire's blood, then you die, and then when you wake up you have a day to decide if you're really really sure. If you are, you drink human blood to complete the transformation. If you're not, you die again, for real this time.
I Am Legend
  • Virus
A cancer-cure mutated into a lethal virus. Survivors who weren't killed and/or immune turned into vampires. That's what you get for trying to cure cancer.
(This one might be my favorite vampire origin story of all time. It's so ridiculous.)
  • Virus + Genetics + Vampire bite (well, sorta)
Imagine this: Your father gets a virus that mutates and makes him immortal. You inherit his immortality, but then you are bitten by a bat and your brother is bitten by a wolf creating the Vampire and Lycan (werewolf) lines.
  • Virus
A global pandemic of a blood-borne, highly infectious disease (hemoglophagia) kills the infected within twelve years, but before that, gives them super-human abilities... and fangs.
Lesbian Vampire Killers
(Also known as "Vampire Killers" because apparently "lesbian" is considered a dirty word in some places.)
  • Evil Curse and/or Magic
Vampire Queen Carmilla cursed this little village so that all the girls who were born there would turn into lesbian vampires on their 18th birthdays. (We're not sure who is giving birth to all these baby girls though, if every woman over 18 is a lesbian vampire killer. We suspect a teenage pregnancy pact.)
Recent turns... "Vicki" from The Vampire Diaries and "Jessica" from True Blood

We're thinking that in our best-selling book (you know, the one about the 2012 end of the world conspiracy about the sexy teenage vampires and Michelle Obama's fashion sense) and of course, the movie based on the book and then the TV show based on the movie and, if we're lucky, the spin-off TV show too... to become a vampire, you have to be bitten by a vampire while facing east within three days of the first full moon of the year. To complete the transition you have to drink blood from their right thumb and then do the dance from the Thriller video. Either that or you just have to score well enough on the Vampire Aptitude Test and write a personal essay about why you want to become a vampire and how you plan to make a positive impact on the vampire community and submit it to the Vampire Review Board.  Good luck!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

How to Spot a Vampire

So the Vampire Diaries season finale is tonight... which means that we will have absolutely nothing to fill that void until True Blood starts again in June! (It's true, waiting sucks.)  So we've decided to start a whole new series of posts over here at Evil Slutopia to satisfy our... um... bloodlust.

Movies and TV shows used to draw from the same classic mythologies when it came to creatures like vampires and werewolves, etc. Of course, the details always differed a little bit here and there, but it seems like lately, as the supernatural becomes more and more popular, more and more liberties have been taken with the old basic "rules" (ahem, Stephenie Meyer, we're talking to you).

So to keep our cravings at bay - and also protect our readers, heh - here is our first installment of our newest series... "The ESC's Guide to Supernatural Creatures".

It used to be pretty simple to identify a vamp:
Only comes out at night.
Tries to bite you on the neck.
Occasionally wears a cape and/or turns into a bat.

But now - in a world where vampires don't always drink blood and sometimes walk around in daylight! - it's not so simple. Luckily we're here to help. Here are a few new telltale signs...

How to Tell if Someone is a Vampire



Good luck! Be safe!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Obligatory Betty White on SNL Post

The return of instant message commentary... it's Saturday Night Live with Betty White!

Jezebel 11:29 PM: SNL just started.

Lilith 11:30 PM: Oh thanks! I wasn't paying attention to time.

Jezebel 11:31 PM: I just happened to look up at the right time.

Lilith 11:32 PM: OK so um maybe not an AMAZING start.......

Jezebel 11:32 PM: Yeah, except for the audience going nuts for her.

Lilith 11:32 PM: ...and for all the returning stars. I love me some Amy Poehler.

Lilith 11:34 PM OK why is jayz the musical guest on mother's day? LOL

Lilith 11:35 PM OMG Betty White is 88?

Jezebel 11:35 PM I know, amazing.

Lilith 11:36 PM Aw, she's cute.

Jezebel 11:36 PM Oh God she's thanking facebook.

Lilith 11:36 PM “It sounds like a huge waste of time” LOVE IT

Jezebel 11:36 PM lol yes

Lilith 11:38 PM lol I love how she can't get through a sentence without "wooooooh!"

Jezebel 11:38 PM I know.

Lilith 11:38 PM OK, she's officially already the best host in a while.

Lilith (11:39:09 PM): No disrespect to Precious (or who my mom calls 'Prudence').

Jezebel 11:39 PM LOL I almost forgot about that.

Lilith 11:39 PM Ugh Macgruber. Way to ruin my Betty White high, SNL!

Jezebel 11:39 PM I still can't believe they made a fucking movie out of this.

Lilith 11:39 PM I know. Like, they keep trying to make like the next Wayne's World but it aint gonna happen. This has It's Pat written all over it.

Jezebel 11:41 PM Oh God, It's Pat. I love Julia Sweeney but that was a trainwreck.

Lilith 11:41 PM OK that was maybe the funniest Macgruber I've seen. Not that it was funny, but in comparison.

Lilith 11:41:16 PM OMG The Delicious Dish! This is why SNL isn't funny anymore. Because they dont have enough of the shit like this!

Lilith 11:42 PM Bran-new. "That's funny. You took the D off brand and made it bran."

Jezebel 11:42 PM That's Brandy's rapper name.

Jezebel 11:42 PM I learned that from watching the Brandy & Ray J show. She's trying to reinvent herself so she's now Bran' Nu or some shit.

Lilith 11:42 PM Well, hope she "does it 100".

Jezebel 11:42 PM I think she will. I have faith.

Lilith 11:43 PM OMG. Betty White said "my muffin". Get a whiff of that!

Jezebel 11:43 PM bluffin with my muffin...

Lilith 11:43 PM I can't wait to taste your muffin. Dude, Betty White is awesome. This is like Schwetty Balls.

Jezebel 11:43 PM A yeasty muffin can really ruin your whole day.

Lilith 11:44 PM Man this is the best episode in forever. She delivers the naughtiest lines the best.

Jezebel 11:45 PM I love the little smile on her face.

Lilith 11:46 PM Giant dusty muffin. OMG.

Jezebel 11:46 PM Wow.

Lilith 11:47 PM Aw and now the Betty White snickers commercial.“ That's not what your girlfriend says!”

Lilith 11:49 PM Betty White's gonna be on a new sitcom? Well, it's on TV Land, but still. Good for her!

Jezebel 11:49 PM Oh yeah I read something about that. I think her role was supposed to be smallish. but now that she's all extra popular right now, they made it a bigger part.

Lilith 11:50 PM Is it just me or do you find Fred Armisen annoying? He's funny but I dont love him.

Lilith 11:50 PM When I see him all I can think of is Euro Trip when they're on the train. “Mi scusi mi scusi mi scusi” (Please tell me you saw that amazing classic film, lol)

Jezebel 11:50 PM I think part of it is the stuff they make him do. Like they've decided that he's going to play all of the 'ethnic' parts.

Jezebel 11:51 PM Amigos con benefits.
Lilith 11:51 PM Amigos con benefits!

Lilith 11:51 PM ESP. I love that we picked out the same line to comment on.

Jezebel 11:51 PM lol

Lilith 11:52 PM I dunno, this sketch feels too racist to me. Like 'OMG Spanish accents and Latin music, hilarious!'

Jezebel 11:52 PM I know.

Lilith 11:52 PM Like, I get that it's making fun of Telemundo, which really does have shows like this... but still.

Lilith 11:53 PM Betty White is here to save the sketch! OMG she's so cute.

Jezebel 11:54 PM Seriously.

Lilith 11:54 PM OMG why are they giving Betty White so many vagina jokes!?

Jezebel 11:55 PM Because they're not creative.

Lilith 11:55 PM ...because it's scandalous for an 88 year old woman to say things like 'muffin' and 'taco'?

Jezebel 11:55 PM Yeah that's what I mean. Like they're going to beat that into the ground.

Lilith 11:56 PM GOD! Why don't they just kill this Macgruber thing already?

Jezebel 11:56 PM It's so unfunny.

Lilith 11:56 PM I love Will Forte but Macgruber is not good.

Lilith 11:57:16 PM I want to be like "SNL! Stop trying to make Macgruber happen!"

Jezebel 11:57 PM I just tweeted that.

Lilith 11:59 PM Tina Fey! "We're all a twitter!"

Lilith 12:00 AM OMG... vagina jokes and lesbian jokes. Way to use Betty White's skills...

Jezebel 12:00 AM Oh crabapples.

Lilith 12:00 AM Let her stay home and lez. OK I'm totally using this line one day "you're barking up the wrong lesbian".

Jezebel 12:02 AM WTF is happening? lol

Lilith 12:02 AM Betty White just said 'balls' on live TV.

Jezebel 12:02 AM I know.

Lilith 12:02 AM Ugh Macgruber!

Jezebel 12:02 AM That whole entire sketch was built around Betty White saying 'balls' and 'lesbian'.

Lilith 12:03 AM Oh and now incest jokes.

Jezebel 12:04 AM ew ew ew

Lilith 12:04 AM Wow. Stay classy SNL.

Jezebel 12:04 AM Well, Betty White's a good sport, we can say that much.

Lilith 12:04 AM I love her more than ever. but wow. I don't know what the SNL writers are smoking.

Jezebel 12:05 AM Me either.

Jezebel 12:07 AM ...and now to add to the WTFness of this episode, here's Jay Z!

Lilith: 12:07 AM Blah.

Jezebel 12:07 AM "Allow me to re-introduce myself" Stop pretending to retire and then coming back!

Lilith 12:07 AM Did he just rip off the humpty dance? H-to-the-umpty!

Jezebel 12:08 AM Maybe it was an homage to a classic song.

Lilith 12:08 AM Well that's what rappers call ripping other songs off... paying homage to the classics.

Jezebel 12:08 AM Okay Jay, just take a break in the middle of the performance, that's fine.

Lilith 12:08 AM I'm diggin his vest. Um, I think….

Jezebel 12:08 AM I was just staring at it trying to figure out how I feel about it.

Lilith 12:09 AM Ew, not liking the back of the vest!

Jezebel 12:11 AM It looks like a big strip of sparkly sandpaper or something

Lilith 12:11 AM Meh, this is boring. All I can think is 'is it over yet?' It's not even bad it's jut.... who cares?

Jezebel 12:11 AM Since Betty White has been in like every sketch, I keep waiting for her to walk out on stage lol.

Lilith 12:12 AM LOL I know man that would be so awesome!

Jezebel 12:12 AM Is this like a Jay-Z medley? It just keeps going and going...

Lilith 12:12 AM Everytime I think it's over, he starts again. Yeah, he couldn't decide which song to do so he's doing the best of Jay-Z lifetime collection.

Jezebel 12:13 AM Seems that way.

Lilith 12:13 AM Oh are they fucking kidding me?

Jezebel 12:13 AM I guess Alicia Keys wasn't available, but they should have taken the opportunity to let Betty sing it.

Lilith 12:13 AM Yes!

Jezebel 12:14 AM Maybe he's only going to perform once instead of twice? He's just putting it all in one performance lol

Lilith 12:14 AM Maybe he has somewhere to go after.

Jezebel 12:15 AM Is her hair actually blue or is it just the lighting?

Lilith 12:15 AM Yea I kept wondering, I can't tell.

Jezebel 12:15 AM I like it, I think that's going to be my next look lol

Jezebel 12:17AM Ugh this commercial...Mario Lopez and Tom Cruise. Two huge douchebags for the price of one.

Lilith 12:18 AM Weekend Update… aw I was hoping Amy Poehler or Tina Fey would be in the Weekend Update.

Jezebel 12:18 AM Maybe a guest spot. If we can't have Stefon again, we should at least get that.

Lilith 12:19 AM Aw… I got excited for a min but it's not Amy or Tina. Booooo!

Jezebel 12:21 AM Yeah I don't know what's happening with this. Is this going anywhere?

Lilith 12:23 AM I dunno I feel like Whitney Houston jokes are played out at this point. Like she's fucked up now we get it!

Jezebel 12:23 AM Especially pointless ones. It's not like something new happened that they could make fun of.

Lilith 12:23 AM Like Maya Rudolph does her well but .... why?

Lilith 12:25 AM Finally. Betty White.

Jezebel 12:25 AM Thank God.

Lilith 12:28 AM AMY!

Jezebel 12:28 AM There she is.

Lilith 12:30 AM Tina!! YAY!

Jezebel 12:30 AM Here we go.

Lilith 12:31 AM Seth is in an awesome sandwich!

Lilith 12:35 AM OMG Betty White with a 'fro?

Jezebel 12:37 AM Are these prison rape jokes?

Lilith 12:37 AM This is a recurring sketch. Yeah it's "hilarious" (eyeroll).

Jezebel 12:37 AM Oh God can't wait for the movie! ...The Wizard of Ass.

Jezebel 12:39 AM WTF This episode is crazy.

Lilith 12:39 AM OK so they made her say lesbian 100x, balls, ass, and a medley of vagina euphemisms.

Lilith 12:40 AM Oh and now a commercial for Grandpa Robin Hood.

Jezebel 12:43 AM I wish CSI: Sarasota was a real show. I would watch the hell out of it.

Lilith 12:43 AM That was classic CSI: "he's fallen... and he'll NEVER get up".

Jezebel 12:44 AM Yep. Oh God and here's a Depends joke. Guess they couldn't resist.

Lilith 12:45 AM I guess that's sorta vagina-related.

Lilith 12:45 AM Wow she really is in EVERY sketch. Thank God.

Jezebel 12:45 AM OMG!

Lilith 12:46 AM W

Lilith 12:46 AM T

Lilith 12:46 AM F

Jezebel 12:46 AM Wow, okay lol.

Jezebel 12:46 AM Okay add 'motherfucker' to the list.

Lilith 12:46 AM I... I... words fail me.

Jezebel 12:49 AM Yeah, that was pretty special.

Lilith 12:50 AM ..... !!!

Jezebel 12:51 AM Oh good Jay-Z's back.

Lilith 12:51 AM Who is this with him?

Jezebel 12:51 AM It's Mr. Hudson of course! lol

Lilith 12:52 AM I like this song (not this version, but at least its a sorta ok song).

Jezebel 12:52 AM This is another one of those 'does this song really need a hot remix' songs?

Lilith 12:52 AM I have a crazy techno rave version of this song... where the voices are so sped up they sound like munchkins. I love it. It's terrible.

Jezebel 12:52 AM Oh yeah I've heard that. I don't know where people get these ideas.

Lilith 12:53 AM Aw, that was cute. He dedicated it to Betty White.

Jezebel 12:53 AM Aw okay points for the dedication.

Lilith 12:53 AM I forgive you Jay-Z.

Jezebel 12:53 AM lol

Lilith 12:56 AM And... a vibrator joke. Poor Betty White.

Lilith 12:58 AM Wow. OK that was... interesting.

Jezebel 12:58 AM It certainly was.

Lilith 1:00 AM Jay-Z looks weird. What is he looking at?

Jezebel 1:00 AM The two of them standing next to each other is bizarre.

Lilith 1:00 AM Yes. OK, I love Betty White, but the SNL writers can suck it.

Jezebel 1:01 AM Yes and yes.

Jezebel 1:21 AM OMG the Macgruber marrying his grandma thing is based on a real news story.

Lilith 1:21 AM WHAT

Lilith 1:21 AM THE

Lilith 1:21 AM FUCK

Jezebel 1:21 AM Just read it in the ONTD thread (which is over 7000 comments lol, everyone loves Betty White). Story. I really hope this is fake.

Lilith 1:23 AM OK, at least she didn't raise him as a grandmother. (She gave his mother up for adoption but still they're genetically family.) Ew.

Jezebel 1:25 AM Let's watch Betty again to clean this out of our minds.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

JohnnyRavenLambertBoxx: A Scientific Formula

We thought about writing this up as a real blog, but you know, we covered everything so perfectly in our conversation so we figured why not just give it to you in its original, pure form... Well, that and we're totally lazy...

Lilith: Um, did Johnny Weir call Evan Lysacek a "slore" on the Wendy Williams Show?

Jezebel: Yeah, but he totally deserved it.

Lilith: LOL, well, I'm sure he did... but what was that about?

Jezebel: Well, Evan Lysacek said some really obnoxious crap in an interview about the whole Stars on Ice thing... He said that Stars on Ice only hires the best of the best, so it would have been hard for them to justify hiring Johnny... and also that Johnny needed the money... and that people were tired of him "whining" about it.

Lilith: WTF!

Jezebel: It was really bitchy. And totally untrue considering how many washed up or never-won-anything or haven't-won-anything-yet people are on Stars on Ice.

Lilith: I get that he didn't win a gold medal this year, but um, he's still a three-time national champion. It's not like he's some amateur.

Jezebel: Exactly. So it was basically like he said it just to be nasty. Wendy Williams asked Johnny about it and you could tell he was pissed, but he just gave his standard answer about Stars on Ice and then something like "as for Evan... he's a slore."

Lilith: Hm.

Jezebel: So some of the gay blogs weren't thrilled with Evan, obviously. Because really, it was GLAAD and them who first made a big deal about the Stars on Ice thing, not Johnny himself. So a lot of people were like "way to dismiss people complaining about homophobia as whiners" ... especially when many people believe that Evan is gay too. In the same interview he said that he's still single because he "hasn't found the right girl."

Lilith: The right girl?

Jezebel: Yeah girls who are into pegging and who will let you call them "Johnny" all night can be hard to find.

Lilith: Ouch.

Jezebel: I might be just a little bit bitter. [For a less bitter and obnoxious and inappropriate take on the 'is Evan gay?' question, see OutSports.]

Lilith: Understood.

Jezebel: I think he's probably annoyed because even though he won, it's like nobody cares. He's totally one of those "who was that guy that won the Olympics that one year?" people.

Lilith: "The year Johnny Weir was in it?" / "Yeah, that year."

Jezebel: Yeah. Like people remember Michelle Kwan, even though she never won the gold, but it's like "Sarah Hughes? Who's that again?"

Lilith: Basically Evan Lysacek is Tyra Sanchez. She may have won, but Raven and Pandora were really the stand out contestants. (I can find any way to bring any topic back to RuPaul's Drag Race!)

Jezebel: Yeah, when they're on Season 8 of Drag Race, nobody will remember Tyra.

Lilith: Or Ilan and Marcel from Top Chef. Ilan may have won the money, but you know Marcel will end up having a better career as a chef in the long run. I'm sure we could find an example from every reality show ever.
Jezebel: I fucking hated Ilan. Worst winner ever. Then there's American Idol (not that we watch that). You couldn't name half the winners. Raven even compared herself to Adam Lambert in an interview. Like "nobody remembers the other guy."

Lilith: It's true though. Where the hell is Kris Allen?

Jezebel: I mean, he has his fans obviously. But it's just different.

Lilith: Yeah, Adam Lambert is hugely famous now. Everyone knows him, even if they don't like him, he's a household name now.

Jezebel: Well, apparently he and Johnny Weir hung out at the GLAAD Awards and follow each other on Twitter. Oh and RuPaul was at the GLAAD Awards too, so now we've tied every topic together, lol.

Lilith: I love when it wraps up nicely at the end!

Neither of them ended up with Bret Michaels in the long run.
But no one will ever forget Heather (and her hair)!
New York might've been rejected two seasons in a row on Flavor of Love,
but she went on to star in not one, not two, but three spin-off shows.

Jennifer Hudson came in 7th place on American Idol.
And then she won an Oscar, a Golden Globe, a Grammy, etc....

Which "Miss America" 1984 (yes, there were two) do you best know today?