Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Waiting still sucks. Until True Blood starts up again next month, we will continue with the ESC's Guide to Supernatural Creatures.

Apparently the five main causes of vampirism are:
  1. Evil curse and/or magic.
  2. Vampire bite.
  3. Blood drinking.
  4. Virus.
  5. Genetics.
Sometimes it takes a combination of two or three of the above (most commonly, being bitten by a vampire and then drinking vampire blood). Also, mythologies in which vampirism is genetically passed or "spread" by biting, still need some explanation for the origin of the first vampire and then it's bite-and-go from there on.

So here's the ESC's totally-not-complete guide to becoming a vampire based on some of our favorite (and least favorite) vampire movies, TV shows, and books...

How to Become a Vampire
(or... How to Avoid Becoming a Vampire)

Gardella Vampire Chronicles
(We predict that it's only a matter of time before this series become a movie or TV show.)
  • Evil curse and/or magic.
The first vampire was Judas who was seduced by Lucifer after he betrayed Jesus. God cursed him and his descendants to walk the earth forever and fearing that he would never be forgiven Judas hanged himself. So Lucifer used him to create a new half-man/half-demon race of blood-drinking creatures... a.k.a. vampires. [more]
  • Vampire bite + Blood drinking.
Regular vampires are turned by a combination of being bitten and ingesting vampire blood.
(And well, any number of the millions of versions of Dracula-stories out there.)
  • Evil Curse and/or Magic
Ol' Vlad returned from battle to find his wife dead (she killed herself because she thought he was dead, all very R+J). When he learned that she wouldn't get to Heaven because of the suicide, he renounced God and swore to rise from the grave to avenge her "with all the powers of darkness." And somehow that worked!
Another version (from the Topps Comics' Dracula: Vlad the Impaler mini series) explains it a bit differently... Vlad is beheaded by a Turkish assassin and his headless body is stored in a Monastery. One of his descendants has the head brought to the monastery and he tries to resurrect him through an incantation. However, he's killed before he can finish and his blood is spilled onto Vlad's corpse which resurrects him. Um... okay.[more]
  • Vampire bite + Blood drinking.
Dracula turns others into vampires with a blood exchange combination of him biting them and making them ingesting his blood.
  • Vampire bite.
You can become a vampire just by being bitten by a vampire. (Or by being otherwise "injected" with their "venom". Yummy.)
  • Genetics.
Apparently in the Twilight universe, vampires can have babies. Vampire Edward impregnates human Bella and they have a "half-vampire" daughter. Of course, she almost kills her mother from the inside out, but well, nobody said parenthood was easy. (My real question is why his venomous sperm didn't turn Bella into a vampire in the first place? Stephenie Meyer, you make no sense!)
  • Blood drinking
You drink blood to become a "half-vampire" and then you have to kill someone to become a "full-vampire".

(and also Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel and well, a lot of others...)

  • Vampire bite + Blood drinking
Three easy steps to vampirism... A vampire bites you and drinks your blood. You drink the vampire's blood. You are buried and wake up as a vampire the next evening.

  • Vampire bite + Blood drinking + Blood drinking again!
One blogger referred to it as "musical blood chairs". First you're bitten by a vampire, then you drink the vampire's blood, then you die, and then when you wake up you have a day to decide if you're really really sure. If you are, you drink human blood to complete the transformation. If you're not, you die again, for real this time.
I Am Legend
  • Virus
A cancer-cure mutated into a lethal virus. Survivors who weren't killed and/or immune turned into vampires. That's what you get for trying to cure cancer.
(This one might be my favorite vampire origin story of all time. It's so ridiculous.)
  • Virus + Genetics + Vampire bite (well, sorta)
Imagine this: Your father gets a virus that mutates and makes him immortal. You inherit his immortality, but then you are bitten by a bat and your brother is bitten by a wolf creating the Vampire and Lycan (werewolf) lines.
  • Virus
A global pandemic of a blood-borne, highly infectious disease (hemoglophagia) kills the infected within twelve years, but before that, gives them super-human abilities... and fangs.
Lesbian Vampire Killers
(Also known as "Vampire Killers" because apparently "lesbian" is considered a dirty word in some places.)
  • Evil Curse and/or Magic
Vampire Queen Carmilla cursed this little village so that all the girls who were born there would turn into lesbian vampires on their 18th birthdays. (We're not sure who is giving birth to all these baby girls though, if every woman over 18 is a lesbian vampire killer. We suspect a teenage pregnancy pact.)
Recent turns... "Vicki" from The Vampire Diaries and "Jessica" from True Blood

We're thinking that in our best-selling book (you know, the one about the 2012 end of the world conspiracy about the sexy teenage vampires and Michelle Obama's fashion sense) and of course, the movie based on the book and then the TV show based on the movie and, if we're lucky, the spin-off TV show too... to become a vampire, you have to be bitten by a vampire while facing east within three days of the first full moon of the year. To complete the transition you have to drink blood from their right thumb and then do the dance from the Thriller video. Either that or you just have to score well enough on the Vampire Aptitude Test and write a personal essay about why you want to become a vampire and how you plan to make a positive impact on the vampire community and submit it to the Vampire Review Board.  Good luck!

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