Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Mike & Molly: Still Making Fun of Fat People

So after the monstrosity that was Mike & Molly's series premiere we decided to tune back into CBS this week to see if the show was getting better or worse. Creator Chuck Lorre claims that the show isn't "about weight" but after 39 fat jokes in 20 minutes we were unconvinced.

In this episode Mike and Molly have their very first date, but Molly's cold medicine makes it an interesting night.


So let's see how the show tallied up this week:
  • Before the show started, they 'reminded' us of 4 fat jokes from last week.
  • The episode officially began at 0:58, with the first fat joke coming in around 1:10.
  • There were 7 fat jokes before the Mike & Molly title.
  • 16 fat jokes were made by thinner supporting characters at the expense of the bigger characters.
  • There were 3 jokes about diet shakes.
  • There were a total of 32 fat jokes in this 20 minute episode. So that's about one joke every 0.6 minutes.


That's an improvement from last week, but barely.

Both of the leads are hilarious, but the material is lousy. There were actually a few sweet moments between Mike and Molly that would've been nice had the rest of the episode not been such a pile of crap. I really hope that the writers start focusing more on their chemistry than on their weight.

Some of our least favorite fat jokes from this episode:
"I'm an Autumn."
"Autumn... and two months of Winter."

"I'm open to a little color, but nothing too crazy. I don't want my date to open the door and scream 'hey Koolaid!'"

"Everything I sell has a 30-day money back guarantee. Unless of course you get it sweaty... or spill gravy on it."
"You don't get many returns, do you?"
"Not a one"

"Make him a snack."
"Oh great, I'll grab him a bucket of peanuts. ... Can I get you something to eat?"
"No thanks, I consumed a small jungle boy on the way over."

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Re-Run Celebrity Spotting on The Ghost Whisperer

Yes, we watch The Ghost Whisperer. It's one of our guilty pleasures. Vajazzling or not, we love Jennifer Love Hewitt as Melinda Gordon and the super cheesy, melodramatic show.

Another of our favorite things? Margaret Cho. So of course, we were excited when we saw Cho as a guest star on the show in the 'Dead to Me' episode . Cho played Professor Avery Grant in 3 episodes in season 5. The 'Dead to Me' episode first aired in February of 2010 and we caught it again as a re-run this morning on WE in one of those GW-marathons they love to show. Fans of HawthoRNe (or the 2004 Canadian-series Naked Josh) will have also recognized another familiar face: David Julian Hirsch.


The season 5 episode 'Dead to Me' starred Cho as Ned's Occult Anthropology teacher, a woman who had lost her fiance in a car crash just weeks before the wedding. Hirsch was the man driving the car that killed her fiance and his daughter. Apparently the ghost of the daughter noticed that they had a lot in common (mini-golf, crappy music, hating the 'supposably', sounds like the basis for an amazing relationship) and she was haunting Avery in order to get them together, so that her death would mean something.

Cho is mostly known for her comedic performances... her countless comedy tours and TV appearances, as the sassy assistant Teri on Drop Dead Diva or most recently, her hilarious - but talented - performance on Dancing with the Stars. So it was nice to see her in a serious role for a change, as the mourning almost-widow.



Margaret Cho should be on every show.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Making Fun of Fat People: Mike & Molly

So we attempted to watch the new show Mike & Molly on CBS Monday. We say 'attempted' because it was just so bad that we had to turn it off. In case you haven't already heard about the show, it focuses on a couple who met at a weight-loss support group and stars Billy Gardell (My Name Is Earl, Yes, Dear)and Melissa McCarthy (Gilmore Girls, Samantha Who?).

We've always been fans of Melissa McCarthy, especially for her role of Sookie on Gilmore Girls, so we were excited to see her move up from supporting character to a leading role... but then... we watched Mike & Molly. McCarthy plays Molly Flynn, a 4th grade teacher who meets Mike Biggs, a police officer, at an Overeaters Anonymous meeting.


The entire show is basically one long, unfunny fat joke. Sookie may have been the sidekick, but her storylines didn't revolve around being fat, she was just Sookie. McCarthy finally gets her own show and it's this crap?

We watched a few parts of the premiere episode - we had to shut it off occasionally because the fat jokes were too much to take. But then we started thinking about it. That was a LOT of fat jokes for a show that's allegedly not about weight according to creator Chuck Lorre.
"This isn't a show about weight," he said "It's a show about people trying to make their lives better and find someone they can have a committed relationship with. It may be odd for television, but hopefully it's reflective of some kind of reality."
That sounds like a great premise for a show... but that wasn't the show we watched.

Lilith: So I'm about 2 minutes in to Mike & Molly and I hate it already.

Jezebel: That's the 'fat people show', right?

Lilith: Apparently. I didn't know that's what it was. I thought it was just a show about two people. But apparently it's the 'fat people show'. Like, okay! We get it! She's fat! He's fat too! Let's laugh at how fat they are... enough already. Blah blah fat blah!

Jezebel: I've heard some stuff about it. That's one of those shows that could be good in theory... but you know will be fucked up in the execution.

Lilith: It's annoying too that there are, what, like two people on the entire channel ever that are not model-tiny but aren't just the 'fat sidekick' and then the show revolves around how fat they are. Why not a show starring fat people that's just a show?

Jezebel: Exactly. It could've be a case of 'Hey a realistic couple! She's pretty but she's not the stick thin gorgeous unrealistic wife that sitcoms usually have' but instead it will be 'Let's beat the same three fat jokes into the ground every week'.
Jezebel: I just put it on for like ten seconds. I decided I'd watch until a fat joke. I'm off already.
Lilith: I can't wait for the episode when they start making 'fat people having sex' jokes. God, at least if the fat jokes were FUNNY. But they're not!
Lilith: Did you notice that the guy's last name is Biggs? Like why not just name him 'Big Fat Cop'?
Jezebel: Oh god, yeah just go all the way and call him Fatty McFat. And she can be Chubbie Chubster or something. Tonight on CBS, a new episode of Big Fat Cop and Big Fat Teacher! On tonight's episode, everybody makes jokes at Fat and Chubbie's expense and it's hilarious! Because they're FAT! Get it? Oh CBS.
Lilith: And of course, his partner is the sassy black guy and her sister is the stupid slutty pothead. So it's like, awesome, we have everyone!
Jezebel: Yeah, it's the Stereotypical One Note Characters Show. Fantastic. Okay let me test again.
Jezebel: Yeah that took like, three seconds for me this time.
Lilith: Let me turn it back on... and... yeah. Fuck this show. It's just one fat joke too many. I'm over it.


Later, we got curious about just how many fat jokes were there really? So we went to cbs.com and re-watched the show and (painfully) counted every single fat joke. How did it add up? Let's just say if this was a drinking game, we be dead. Here are some of the results:

  • The first fat joke came in at 0:14. Yes. It only took 14 seconds.
  • There were a total of 10 fat jokes before they even showed the Mike & Molly title.
  • There were 20 fat jokes or otherwise rude comments made by thin people against fat people.
  • There were 2 fat jokes that poked fun at the LGBT community and 5 race-based fat jokes (2 about starving people in Africa, 2 about Japanese people, and 1 about Russian mail-order brides).
  • There were a total of 39 fat jokes in this one single episode. Thirty nine.
THIRTY NINE! This was a 30-minute-long sitcom, but when you subtract for commercials (or view it online, as we did) the actual length is 20:46. 39 fat jokes in 20 minutes... That's the equivalent of almost 2 fat jokes every minute. Think about that the next time that Chuck Lorre claims that the show "isn't about weight".

Some of our 'least favorite' jokes from the first episode:

"I would shoot you right now, but I don't have enough chalk to outline your body."

"Why don't you take her to one of those lesbo clubs. They seem to like the beefy gals."

"Who are you trying to fool? I mean, you met her at an O.A. meeting. If she sticks her hand under there and doesn't find a man bra, she's gonna be ecstatic".

"You lost 3 1/2 pounds."
"Oh big deal, my farts weigh 3 1/2 pounds."
"You don't have to tell me, I ride in the car with you every day."
"Maybe you could move to Japan. A big man's like a god over there ... Seriously, yank your underwear up into your crack and get you some sumo-groupies."

I will admit that I did enjoy the chemistry between Gardell and McCarthy... and both are pretty funny. It's just the material that sucks. I would really like for them to star in a successful show together. But that show isn't Mike & Molly. At least not yet. If the show continues on the way the first episode went down, well, let's just say it's not going to become one of our faves. If they can get over the fat jokes and make this show about a relationship between two people - instead of two fat people - it might actually be worth watching. But we won't hold our breath.


About the show, Gardell has said:

"The great thing about this love story is [that] this is a show people can look at and go, 'You know what? I'm like that' or, 'I look better than that', instead of looking at the show and going, 'God, I'm never going to look like that'."
He's right. A lot of people can watch this show and think 'I look like that'. And then they can watch 39 jokes poking fun at the way they look. How are they going to feel then? What's worse? Having only people with unrealistic bodies on television or having people with real bodies and then trashing the hell out of them for a half hour?

The Vampire Diaries' Kat Graham Covers Paula Abdul

Katerina Graham, who plays Bonnie on The Vampire Diaries, recently released a music video for her version of the Paula Abdul song Cold Hearted Snake. Let's have a look, shall we?



Okay, so I think I'm going to have to say...don't quit your day job, Kat. I had to laugh at the dancing, but I guess it's hard to pull off boxing-inspired choreography. And as far as the vocals, I'm going to have to agree with one of the commenters on ONTD, who said, "Seriously, If you can't deliver a stronger vocal performance than Paula Abdul do you really need to be embarking on a musical career?"



Somehow, Kat's version of the song didn't quite make the cut for the upcoming Vampire Diaries soundtrack. Surely just an oversight. For now we're going to have to pass on Kat the pop star and stick to enjoying Bonnie the bitchy witch.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

The Gates: Sucking less, but still sucking

PilotSo after an entire boring season of The Gates (a.k.a. Desperate Housewives meets a poor man's True Blood) the season finale was all sorts of fucked up in a good way. Technically two episodes back-to-back, it almost made up for the reason of the season - almost. 

There were definitely some cliffhanger moments and surprises... but even then, it wasn't that suspenseful. One problem is the formulaic 'suspenseful music'. They might as well just play DUN DUN DUNNNNNN. And then they play it for too long, where it's like everything is a suspenseful moment and it all ends up being pretty anti-climactic. Or maybe it's just the fact that the writing just isn't that good...Yeah, it's probably that. Whoever is behind the 'ideas' on this show, is pretty smart, but I don't think it's the same person actually writing the script because the dialogue is kinda silly and while the plot twists was pretty good, it just didn't add up to anything amazing. However, I will say that the finale was kinda cool and definitely a decent end to the season. (Not cool enough to make me look forward for next season, but cool enough for me to maybe give next season a shot. There are a few open cliffhangers that I'm actually curious to see what happens next!)

But first... let's make sure you know the main players...

The Human Beings:
  • Frank Buckley (Brett Cullen) is the co-founder and developer of The Gates and the big man in charge. He has the dirt on everyone in town and knows that the residents of the Gates need 'privacy'. His wife Vanessa is a vampire and his bitter ex Devon is a witch (he had an affair with Vanessa while still married to Devon, so she has reason to be bitter). 
  • The Monohan Family: Nick (Frank Grillo) is the new police chief and he's slowly learning that the Gates is not what it seems... that is, he's learning that the supernatural creatures that live within the Gates pretty much outnumber the regular human beings like himself and his family. He's tried to keep this secret from his sweet but too-trusting wife Sarah (Marisol Nichols) but after he was haunted by a ghost last week he came clean to her about all the fucked up stuff going on in town. Sarah is even more clueless than usual because she's been drinking tea given to her by a manipulative witch Devon, which allows Devon to control her. Charlie (Travis Caldwell) is their teenage son and Dana (McKaley Miller) is their tween daughter. 
  • Marcus Jordan (Justin Miles) is one of Chief Monohan's deputies.
  • Emily Radcliff (Georgia Cole) is the Radcliff's adopted human daughter.
  • Thomas Bates (Kyle Secor) is Andie's human father.
The Vampires:
  • Vanessa Buckley (Gloria Votsis) is Frank Buckley's wife. She and Frank had an affair while he was still married to Devon.
  • The Radcliffs: Claire (Rhona Mitra) and Dylan (Luke Mably) live next door to the Monohans and are sort of friends, even though Nick knows that they are vampires. Claire has had a little trouble lately not killing people, something Devon blackmailed her for to get a vial of her blood. Both Claire and Dylan would kill to protect their family and their daughter. Dylan has killed to protect Nick Monohan.
  • Ben McAllister (Linden Ashby) seems to be one of the leaders of the vampire community living within the Gates.
The Werewolves:
  • Brett Crezski (Colton Haynes) is a werewolf and a student at the Gates high school. His father and brother were killed by hunters, so his mother is a little overprotective. He is in love with his on-again-off-again ex-girlfriend Andie Bates, even though she's dating Charlie Monohan. He's got a bad temper.
  • Lexie Wade (Rachel DiPillo) is a friend of Brett's and fellow pack member. She has had a crush on Brett for a while and had a brief flirtation with Charlie, which was mostly to make Andie jealous.
  • Coach Zach Ross (Roger C. Cross) is the football coach at the Gates high school and the current alpha/pack leader.
The Witches:
  • Peg Mueller (Victoria Platt) is the good witch of the Gates. She's a doctor and helps everyone with their supernatural/medical problems.
  • Devon Buckley (Chandra West) is the bad witch of the Gates. She's Buckley's ex-wife, Peg's former student and a manipulative backstabbing doublecrosser. She practices the 'dark arts' of magic and has befriended Sarah, as a means of using her. No one in town trusts her, with good reason.
  • Mia Mueller (Devyn Tyler) is Peg's daughter. She's secretly taking magic lessons from Devon because her mom won't teach her the 'dark arts'.
The Succubus:
  • Andie Bates (Skyler Samuels) is a high school student who lives in the Gates. Her father is human but her mother was a succubus. She can literally suck the life force out of a guy. She used to date Brett but now is dating Charlie. She went back and forth between the two of them for a while, as she was afraid to hurt Charlie with her powers whereas Brett, being a werewolf, could handle it. Now that she is taking 'medication' she can control her powers, so she's back with Charlie.
The... Hm... We're Not Sure Yet? 
  • Leigh Turner (Janina Gavankar) is a deputy on the Gates police force. She's hiding something...
So last week Nick finally told his wife Sarah all about the residents of the Gates being "not normal" because well, he really had to tell her after she was possessed by the angry ghost of the woman who tried to kill Nick for murdering her brother but was instead killed by Dylan the vampire. (Got all that?) Well it just gets more complicated from there... the finale was one big ball of supernatural soap opera crazy. 

The first of the final two episodes opens up with Frank and Vanessa Buckley. Their anniversary is coming up and as a very special present, he wants Vanessa to turn him into a vampire so they can be together forever. Drama ensues.

A lot of people aren't too happy about this. The werewolves are pissed because they're afraid that this means Buckley is 'taking sides' in the eternal vampire-werewolf rivalry. (This to me is just stupid. Hello, he's married to a vampire... so he's already kind of taken sides anyway, but it's not as though he's turned on the wolves yet.) His ex-wife Devon is pissed because she kind of always thought that deep down he was just afraid of commitment, but now he's willing to make an eternal commitment to Vanessa, which means he just didn't want to commit to her.

Devon used the vampire blood that she got from Claire back in episode one or two (she was blackmailing her) - a whole bunch of other yucky stuff she's got - to create a toxin. She used her mind-control tea on Sarah to get her to slip it in Buckley's drink. Later when Vanessa started to drink his blood, she was poisoned and shriveled up into a big pile of creepy. (He wasn't harmed by it, except for the broken heart.)

Once the rest of the community gets wind of the fact that his blood can kill vampires, everyone wants a piece of him... the werewolves want his blood and the vampires want to make sure no one ever gets his blood. Devastated by the fact that the people he spent so long trying to protect are now all ready to kill him, he shoots himself. Dylan disposes of the body and there's no harm, no foul. 

Except for the fact that if the rest of the rest of the vamps find out that it was Claire's blood that Devon used to make that potion (or about the murder that Devon was blackmailing them for in order to get it in the first place) then she and Dylan will be dead too.

Meanwhile Devon has left town, smart girl... Nick wants to arrest her and all the vampires want to kill her, especially Dylan and Claire, who are trying to find her before the rest of them do so they can protect themselves and more importantly, their daughter Emily. Peg's daughter Mia is apparently a huge dumbass, so she brings Devon some magic supplies to help her do a spell to protect herself. Devon confesses to her that she did poison Buckley, but not to kill Vanessa. It was to protect him from vampires and Vanessa would've been fine if she hadn't tried to bite him. (Yeah, okay, sure, whatever.) Mia tells Devon that Buckley killed himself and she actually seems sad for a minute.

The Radcliffs track her to the hotel room but she's already gone, having returned to the Gates to warn Sarah about a vision she had... dun dun dun...

Meanwhile Sarah, upon realizing that she a) has been under Devon's control, b) is semi-responsible for Vanessa and Buckley's deaths and c) lives in the most fucked up gated community ever, decides that it is time for them to move out of the Gates for good.

Over in the teen angst side of the show, Charlie has come to terms with Andie's secret and is less concerned that she will suck the life out of him once he learns about her special magic 'medicine'. Of course, this infuriates her ex-boyfriend Brett, who had convinced her that he was the only wolf man that could handle her succubus-ness. Acting like a petulant child with roid-rage, he dilutes her medicine with water to make it less effective. Then he's immediately like "oh shit, well that was a dumb and dangerous idea". 

He enlists Lexie to go find Andie before she does some serious damage but they're too late because Charlie, pissed that his parents want to move the family again, runs away with Andie and ends up near death after she accidentally sucks away his life force. 

Sidenote: Am I the only one who feels like this succubus storyline is a little bit slut-shamey? Like basically, if Andie expresses her sexuality, she can kill a guy. I feel like the idea of the succubus paramour is supposed to be about women's power but on this show it just feels like she's being punished for wanting to fool around with boys. In a way it's a safe sex metaphor because if she had been using her medicine properly Charlie would have been protected.

Anyway, Sarah's freaking out and Peg doesn't know what to do to help him. Andie's dad says if they bring him to the hospital, he will probably die because they just don't understand how a succubus works. Peg suggests they look for Devon, who might be able to help him using "the dark arts". Mia admits that she is hiding out in the secret backroom of her spa but when Nick arrives to get her, he finds her held at gunpoint by Claire and Dylan.
Nick: "Put the gun down. I need her alive." 
Dylan: "Well, unfortunately we need her dead."
Oh well, that is unfortunate. I love that they said that to the Chief of Police. Man, Nick Monohan is so not in charge here. He explains that they need Devon to save Charlie and that they can totally just kill her later. On the way back to Charlie Ben McAllister and some other important vamps show up to 'retrieve' Devon. 

A bloody vampire-on-vampire fight (in the rain no less) breaks out and the Radcliffs end up killing their own kind to protect Devon, who they actually want to kill themselves so the vampires don't kill them which... well, let's just say they're digging themselves in even deeper than before. 
 
In the Stuff-We-Almost-Stopped-Caring-About category... Way back in the beginning of the series, it was suggested that Leigh wasn't completely normal either. She's not a vampire, but she was on the list of people who needed 'new identities' back from the FBI episode and we know she has a secret mysterious box that's very important to her (important enough that she killed the burglar who stole it in episode 3) and causes her physical pain if she's separated from it for too long.Yeah remember that? Don't care? Well, be prepared to care even less!

In what can only be described as violating your coworker's personal space, Marcus goes to her house and looks in the box. It makes a whoooshing sound when it's open. No really, even the TV captions "whoosing sound". She immediately senses that it's open and jets back over there. She points her gun at him and demands that he shut the box, which is... beating? What the... yep, it's her heart. It's her heart in a box. Literally. Her heart. In a box. Really. According to her, an ex-boyfriend used 'Vodun' an ancient magic, to 'take away' her heart, so she could never love again. And so now she has her heart, literally, in a box. She's the fucking Tin Man! Of all the things it could've been... of all the possibilities we imagined... it is the dumbest, least interesting answer ever! (Congratulations writers, even in what would otherwise be a decent finale, you found a way to still suck as hard as you did in the premiere episode. Way to go!) She confesses that her real name is Isabelle Armont, which makes Marcus realize that the ex-boyfriend has found her, because someone keeps calling looking for 'Isabelle Armont'. Dun dun dun.... Okay now that might be interesting. The return of the evil magic ex-boyfriend better be good, because the heart-in-a-box was a major letdown.

Anyway, Nick and Devon get back to Charlie and Devon says she can bring him back, but in order to bring him back from the dead, he has to actually die. Well, that's a shitty loophole. So she kills him and then uses magic to bring him back to life and it works. Devon sticks around to 'monitor' him, but then the Radcliffs show up to get her. Apparently the vampires said they would go easy on them if they deliver Devon, which, yeah we don't really believe that and neither do they. So they have to make some kind of arrangements for their daughter Emily. Nick's all like 'can't we work it out, can't we all just get alone?' as if he still hasn't realized by episode 13, that no, it doesn't work that way. 

But his defending Devon for saving his son is cut short when Charlie wakes up. He's just gotten a voicemail from Andie, who is glad he's okay but doesn't want to kill him again so she's going far, far away. (Hopefully, she took some of her medicine with her, or she's going to leave a trail of dead boys whereever she goes.) Dana yells "something's wrong with Charlie!" and oh yes, she's right. His eyes are all red and he kinda looks like the walking dead (aha, he is, get it? get it? but no really, he looks like shit). He glares at his dad, which shoots him across the room. Just in case we were starting to think that Devon wasn't so bad after all, the episode closes on her creepy, evil smile...
"I said I could bring him back. I didn't say he'd be the same."
Cue the DUN DUN DUNNNNN right about now... but yeah, okay, they got me. Most of the cliffhangers were kinda boring: Will Leigh get her heart back? (Who cares) Will the Radcliffs die? (Obviously not.) But I do want to know what has happened to Charlie. At least now the Monohans have a reason not to leave the Gates... because their zombie demon son probably isn't going to fit in anywhere else. The show may be soap opera to the max, but I'm willing to let them answer these questions next season. 

Of course, if the answers are as stupid as 'oh it's just my heart... in a box' then I'm going to be pretty pissed off.



Friday, September 17, 2010

The Vampire Diaries: Season 2

So, as you may have already noticed... we are obsessed with the new season of The Vampire Diaries. We may have criticized the show as being a poor man's True Blood for teens when it first came out but it has definitely earned itself a spot on our DVR schedule!

We just posted a full refresher course for the last season of The Vampire Diaries so those of you who may have overlooked the show could catch up before we dive into the new season. (True Blood is on hiatus anyway, come on, give it a shot, you know you want to!)

So here's our take on the first two episodes of season 2...

 SPOILERS AHEAD

#1 The Return (Season Premiere):

The premiere picked up exactly where the finale ended... Katherine has just stabbed John Gilbert and he's bleeding all over the kitchen. Caroline is in critical condition at the hospital after the car accident. Jeremy is lying in bed, possibly dying from an overdose of pills (with Anna's vampire blood still in his system).

Elena comes home to a scary mess of Uncle John in the kitchen and calls 911. Luckily Katherine takes off before doing anymore damage. Elena runs to check on Jeremy and finds out about his stupid plan. Ironically, the blood in his system actually helped protect him from the effect of the sleeping pills and has almost completely left his system. Poor Jeremy, he can't even commit suicide properly!

At the hospital, Elena gives John back his ring, so he will be okay... but Stefan threatens him that he better leave town. He does, but not before telling Jeremy that it's his legacy or whatever to fight vampires just like he and his father and all the Gilbert men before them. Snore... Everyone else is stressing over whether or not Caroline will be okay and Bonnie is overwhelmed with guilt when she learns that Tyler was affected by "the device" because she had pretended to disable it but lied. Damon offers to give her some vampire blood to help speed up her healing. Meanwhile Tyler is dealing with his father's death when his mysterious, uncle Mason (Taylor Kinney) arrives. Maybe he knows the family secret? Side note: Tyler and Jeremy have a brief moment of bonding over the fact that they both have dads that were assholes who are dead. Hey, whatever it takes right?

Damon has a confusing conversation with Elena who has no memory of what he thinks was a kiss they shared. This clues him into the fact that Katherine is back! Dun... dun... dun... Stefan and Damon are stressing, trying to figure out what Katherine wants... and are trying hard not to let her bait them back into their old rivalry.


You can so easily tell the difference between Katherine and Elena (it's not just the hair!) that you almost forget that they're both played by the same actress.



It's subtle but it's good. We gotta hand it to Nina Dobrev... she has certainly worked on her acting chops since her days on Degrassi or cheesy films like The American Mall and Never Cry Werewolf.

Katherine shows up at the Lockwood residence and attacks Bonnie but Stefan saves her and they have a verbal showdown. 

Stefan: "I haven't spent 145 years obsessed with you." 
Katherine: "Based on your choice of women, I'd say otherwise. Though I'll admit that it does bother me that you've fallen in love with someone else."
Stefan: "I was never in love with you, Katherine. You compelled me. None of my feelings were real."
Katherine: "Believe what you want, Stefan. But I know the truth and deep down, so do you. ... You want to know why I'm here: I came back for you." 
Stefan: "The problem, Katherine, is that I hate you."
Katherine: "You hate me, huh? That sounds like the beginning of a love story, Stefan. Not the end of one."
Later, Katherine shows up at the Salvatore residence and she and Damon make out a bit, but it all goes sour when Katherine admits that she never loved him. "It was always Stefan." Ouch. Poor guy has been pining over her for over 100 years and she never even loved him. Honestly, it was enough to actually make you feel bad for him. Hottie Ian Somerhalder definitely gave this role his all, you really see the heartbreak - and then mental downward spiral - all over his face.

He then confronts Elena about the kiss that didn't happen and tries to get her to admit that they do have some kind of connection. Of course, Elena says that she only loves Stefan too. Double ouch. Jeremy interrupts them and Damon snaps his neck. WTF!? Luckily he was wearing John's ring, so he doesn't actually die, leaving us to wonder if Damon saw the ring or not?

In the final WTF moment of the episode, Katherine later goes to see Caroline in the hospital, introduces herself, and tells her to give the Salvatores a message: "Game on". Then she smothers Caroline with a pillow. Oh yes. One of the best season premieres we've seen in a while.



#2 Brave New World:

Don't worry. Caroline's not dead! She's... undead. She still had Damon's blood in her system, so she woke up as a confused vampire. Watching her suck blood out of a bag at the hospital made me gag, but Caroline's transition is one of the best new plot twists and honestly, it makes the character a lot less annoying. And Candice Accola did a great job with it.

Meanwhile, the Salvatores have other concerns... While at the Lockwood residence talking to Mrs. Lockwood (who will be taking over for her dead husband as Interim Mayor) he overhears something that piques his interest even more about Lockwood family curse. Why did "the device" affect Tyler and the Mayor, even though they aren't vampires? What are they? And damn, why is Mason Lockwood such an awesome arm wrestler?



Damon devises a little test... He compells a guy to pick a fight with Tyler, just to see what happens. What results is a really dumb looking special effects stunt of Mason leaping through the air with yellow eyes. Okay.



 The poor guy they fight has an even worse fate though than being double teamed by would-be-werewolves. Caroline, trying really hard not to bite her boyfriend Matt, can't help herself and kills him, oops. (Not Matt, the poor schmo who fought the Lockwoods. Hey she couldn't help it. He smelled delicious.)

Everyone has a different reaction to finding out about Caroline's new "condition". Damon wants to kill her partly because she knows about him, having regained all of her memories of how Damon treated her and partly because he knows she won't survive as a vampire for long. And he's probably right. I mean, hello, her mother is the head of the anti-vampires Founders Council. Don't you think she's going to be suspicious if her daughter stops going outside in the daytime? Somebody get her a sun-walking ring STAT. Stefan teaches her how to control herself so she's safe for now, but we know we haven't seen the end of this storyline yet.

Bonnie, upon finding out that Caroline is a vampire, freaks out and blames Damon. Yeah, technically it's his fault because of his blood and all, but dude, she was in a hospital, what were the chances of her dying? No one could've known Katherine was going to do that. Bonnie's character has taken a serious turn for the bitch in the past few episodes... but trying to kill Damon was just the last straw for me. Can someone put this witch in her place already? Elena saves Damon, in what can only be described as a Sookie-and-Eric moment of I'm-mad-at-you-but-not-so-mad-that-I-want-you-to-die. Well that, and she just thinks that Bonnie is better than that. Probably more that.




Back at home later that night, Matt goes to visit Caroline and tells her he loves her. Caroline resists the urge to bite him and hugs him instead. Poor Matt. Will someone please tell the poor guy about the whole vampires thing? He's honestly, like the last guy in town who doesn't know.


Watch Episodes From Season One Now:

Pilot

Watch Episodes From Season Two Now:

The Return


The Vampire Diaries: Your Refresher Course

Now, you know we love True Blood so we're not trying to diss the show at all... but... is it just us, or did the first two episodes of this season of The Vampire Diaries totally kick the True Blood finale's ass?

Last time we compared The Vampire Diaries to True Blood... we weren't too kind. (We called it True Blood Lite) but we admit it, the show totally grew on us and we're hooked.It had a slow start, as many series do, and it actually got really cool and exciting. Last season's finale had way more "WTF" moments than this season's True Blood finale and the first two episodes of season 2 have both been craaaaaazy.

Since we're pretty sure we're going to be obsessed with the show this season (and it helps that True Blood is in between seasons and even The Gates is ending this weekend) so this is definitely on our permament Thursday night DVR schedule.

We're going to give all our readers who likely aren't obsessed yet, a reason and an opportunity to get obsessed! Here's a quick refresher on all the need-to-know info from last season before we give you our take on the first two episodes of Season 2.


A Guide to The Vampires Diaries: Season One

Welcome to Mystic Falls, Virginia (where everything is less boring than Forks, Washington but less scandalous than Bon Temps, Louisiana) a town where vampires have lived on-and-off since the 1800s and for some reason everyone in town keeps a fucking diary. (Watch Season 1 instead)


Elena Gilbert (Nina Dobrev):

Elena is 17. Before the series begins she and her parents, Grayson and Miranda Gilbert were all in a car crash. They died, but she survived because Stefan Salvatore secretly saved her. Then she later starts to date him... but doesn't find out that he saved her until later on. He also tells her that she was adopted and it turns out her real parents are all fucked up (more on that later). Also she looks exactly like Katherine Pierce, her ancestor/Stefan's ex/evil vampire.



Jonathan Gilbert (Joe Knezevich):

The vampire-obsessed author/inventor was the ancestor of the modern day Gilberts. He kept a number of journals and had several magical inventions.


 

Stefan Salvatore (Paul Wesley):

Stefan is an angsty teenage vampire. He's one of those self-loathing vampires who struggles to be good and drink only animal blood. Sometimes this works for him; sometimes he relapses and then feels super guilty about it. He's super conflicted because his father was a vampire hunter, his brother Damon and ex-girlfriend Katherine are vampires and his current girlfriend (Elena) is his ex-girlfriend's lookalike. He spends most of his time trying to stop Damon/protect Elena/protect Damon. His work is never done!



Damon Salvatore (Ian Somerhalder):

The older, meaner, hotter Salvatore brother! He's charming and handsome and a little psychotic? Or maybe he's just in love. He spends the whole first half of the first season double crossing everyone in his path in order to save Katherine, who he's obsessed with, and then the second half moping about the fact that Katherine didn't actually need saving after all and probably didn't love him. He kills people like it's nothing and has little of the vampire-guilt that Stefan has... but for some reason Elena is able to bring out his more caring, human side.

Giuseppe Salvatore (James Remar):

Stefan and Damon's father helped lead the fight against the vampires back in 1864. It was in part due to him that Katherine and the other vampires were captured in the first place.




Katherine Pierce (also Nina Dobrev):

Elena's "doppleganger" (and possibly great-great-great grandmother, or something) is a vampire that both Salvatore brothers were in love with back in 1864 Mystic Falls. She is, as Damon put it, an "evil manipulative slut". She has been the main source of animosity between Stefan and Damon from the beginning: they both loved her, Stefan was semi-responsible for getting her captured and it was her blood that turned them both to vampires. She was allegedly locked up in a tomb for over a hundred years with a bunch of other vampires but then surprise! she actually escaped a long time before that. (Guess she never cared about Damon as much as he cared about her?)


Emily Bennett (Bianca Lawson):

Emily was Katherine's personal servant and a witch. She charmed all of the magical items, like the Salvatores' rings that let them walk in daylight and the Gilberts' rings that keep them from dying.



Bonnie Bennett (Katerina Graham):

Bonnie is Emily's ancestor and Elena's best friend and found out this year that she's a witch. She's slowly learning how to use her witchy powers and lifted Emily's spell of the vampire tomb in order to save Stefan and Damon. (The strain of the spell killed her grandmother and she blames the Salvatores.) She goes back and forth between helping them and trying to sabotauge them.







Jeremy Gilbert (Steven R. McQueen):

Elena's younger brother is poor sad Jeremy. He's always so mopey and emo, but who can really blame him? First his parents die and he develops a drug problem... then he starts to date troubled Vicki, who gets turned into a vampire and killed... then he dates vampire Anna, who also gets killed. Poor guy can't catch a break! Everyone lies to him for most of season 1 (which he's not too happy about when he finds out). Jeremy is still trying to find himself.

Anna (Malese Jow):

 Anna was a vampire who lived in Mystic Falls in 1864 but she was not captured like the others and can walk around in daylight thanks to Emily. Her mother Pearl, who was friends with Katherine, was one of the vampires locked in the tomb. Anna began dating Jeremy in order to free her mother, but then fell in love with him. She gave him a vial of her blood so he could drink it and become a vampire.

Pearl (Kelly Hu):

Anna's mother Pearl was in love with Jonathan Gilbert (the vampire-hunting ancestor of the modern day Gilberts) but he betrayed her after learning what she was and she was locked away in the tomb. After being freed, he gave Damon part of a device that she had stolen from Gilbert and was later killed by his descendant John Gilbert (Jeremy's uncle).


Caroline Forbes (Candice Accola):

Caroline is Elena and Bonnie's friend, and sometimes rival. (Bonnie's the witch and Caroline is the bitch!)  friend of Elena's and Bonnie's. She dated Damon for a while (mainly he just used her for blood and "errands") and then started to date Matt, Elena's ex. She starts off pretty superficial, but her character starts to grow as the series goes on.


Elizabeth Forbes (Marguerite MacIntyre):

Caroline's mom Liz is the town sheriff and part of the Founders Council a.k.a. the vampire killing committee.



Matt Donovan (Zach Roerig):

Elena's ex-boyfriend, Caroline's current boyfriend, and dead Vicki's brother. This guy has almost as many troubles as poor Jeremy: dead sister and messed up mother and no one will clue him in to the fact that there are vampires in Mystic Falls. Matt is another one of those characters that serves mainly in support of the other characters.

Kelly Donovan (Melinda Clarke):


Matt and Vicki's mother... a totally bad influence and bad mom. She's irresponsible and disappears for periods at a time. She's also somewhat of a drunk and made out with a teenager!

 
Vicki Donovan (Kayla Ewell):


Matt's troubled sister, Tyler's ex-girlfriend, and Jeremy's dead girlfriend... Damon fed off of her a couple of times, finally turning her. She didn't take Stefan's vampire-mentoring advice so she couldn't control herself. She tried to bite Jeremy and then attacked Elena, forcing Stefan to stake her.


Tyler Lockwood (Played by Michael Trevino):

Tyler is the resident douchebag at Mystic Falls high school. His dad is the mayor, his best friend is Matt (or at least was until he made out with Matt's cougar mom!), and he used to date Vicki but he didn't really treat her right. He and Jeremy start out as rivals, but it's possible that might change...  Tyler has a secret that even he doesn't know! But we do! Stay tuned...




Mayor Richard Lockwood (Rob Pralgo):

Tyler's father is mayor of Mystic Falls, member of the Founders Council, and overall asshole. Did we say 'is'? We meant 'was'... you'll see...




Jenna Sommers (Sara Canning):

Jenna is Elena and Jeremy's aunt on their mother's side, who has taken guardianship over them after their parents were killed in the car crash. She used to date Logan Fell, a news reporter and vampire hunter who was turned into a ampire and then later killed. Then she started to date history teacher Alaric Saltzman, who has his own vampire-vendetta (wait for it). She also had a brief flirtation with Damon, but we all know why that's not gonna happen. Basically, Jenna is unlucky in love and has no idea what's going on. Her character has little to do on this show other than be concerned about Elena and Jeremy and then be kept in the dark about everything.


 
John Gilbert (David Anders):

Elena and Jeremy's uncle, on their father's side. He's basically a douchebag that everyone hates. He learned about vampires from his big brother (through the journals of their ancestor Jonathan Gilbert) and has a magic ring that protects him from being killed. He shows up back in town to take down all the vampires, because that is his destiny! Whatever. He's a member of the Founders' Council and he killed Jeremy's vampire girlfriend Anna and her mom, Pearl. Dick. Oh and surprise - he's Elena's biological father!




Isobel Flemming-Saltzman (Mia Kirshner)

Elena's birth mother. She dated John Gilbert as a teen, got pregnant with Elena and gave her up for adoption to John's brother (a doctor) and sister-in-law. She was married to Alaric Saltzman and spent lots of time studying vampires. He thought she was murdered by Damon for a while until it is revealed that she was actually turned by Damon (at her request!) A lot of season 1 had to do with both Alaric and Elena search for Isobel; neither character was very happy with what they found.




Alaric Saltzman (Matt Davis):

Alaric is a history teacher at Mystic Falls High and used to be married to Isobel. He hates vampires - especially Damon - and has spent most of his post-Isobel like learning about how to take them down. He can't be killed because he wears a magic ring like the one John Gilbert wears (back story: John gave his to Isobel; the one he wears used to belong to his brother but he got it whe he died; Isobel gave the ring to Alaric shortly before she was turned). Even though he hates Damon, he has helped the Salvatore brothers on several occasions, partly because he can't be killed and partly because he's a good guy so he wants to protect the town from the other vampires.


WHAT YOU MISSED IN THE SEASON 1 FINALE:

It's Founders Day... so everyone is dressed in old-timey outfits and that includes Elena. She looks exactly like Katherine now, which triggers some memories for both Stefan and Damon. Jeremy's all mopey and pissed at Elena because he just finally found out that she's been lying to him for a long time (by reading, what else, her diary). Anna gave him a vial of her blood, so he can turn into a vampire, but now that he knows that Vicki is dead he's having second thoughts.

Meanwhile the tomb vampires are planning an attack on the town. John Gilbert and the Founders Council have "The Device" one of Jonathan Gilbert's mysterious anti-vampire inventions (which was actually charmed by witch Emily). Stefan and Damon think that the spell has been broken by Bonnie, but she's actually just a bitch and lied about it. She thinks she's protecting the town, and she's right, but she could have warned the Salvatore brothers! When the device is activated all the vampires within a certain distance start to experience a piercing pain and collapse to the ground... this includes Stefan, Damon and Anna. Alaric and Elena save Stefan, but Damon and Anna are given a shot of vervain and taken away with the others.

Oddly enough, Mayor Lockwood and Tyler are also affected by the device. The Mayor is rounded up with the vampires and Tyler, who was driving Matt and Caroline home, crashes the car. When the EMTs check him out he has yellow eyes for a second. Hmm... what exactly is he? Caroline is seriously injured and rushed to the hospital.


All the vampires and the Mayor are locked in away in the basement of the old Gilbert building. Mayor Lockwood isn't affected by the vervain, so he's not a vampire... what is he? Even he doesn't seem to know. And he doesn't have time to find out, because his neck is snapped by one of the tomb vamps. John Gilbert shows up to stake Anna and pour gasoline all over, setting the room on fie so the vampires can all be burned alive. Bonnie does a spell to help Stefan get Damon out safely (those brothers sure have a love/hate relationship don't they?) but tells him thta if Damon kills another innocent person she will take him down. And she can too, her witch powers are getting stronger and stronger.

Damon tells Jeremy that Anna is dead, which makes him even more depressed and mopey than usual. He drinks Anna's blood and then takes an overdose of sleeping pills, hoping to die and wake up as a vampire so he can "turn his feelings off".

Damon meets Elena outside the house and, realizing that he kinda really does care about protecting the town, go figure, tells her that she makes him a better person. They kiss (WHAT!?) until Jenna catches them and tells her to get inside. Once she's inside she confronts John Gilbert and then, noticing that he's wearing the protective ring, CUTS HIS FINGERS OFF! Fooled you! It wasn't Elena, it was Katherine all along. And the real Elena is on her way back to the house any minute.

Now THAT is how a season finale is done. Full of excitment, suspense, surprises and WTF-moments. Now that you're all caught up on the first season, go here to check out our recaps of the season two premiere and last night's episode #2.


Watch Episodes From Season One Now:

Pilot

Watch Episodes From Season Two Now:


The Return