Saturday, September 24, 2011

TV Quickie: An Ode to James Spader

I finally got around to watching the season premiere of The Office that had been sitting so patiently in my DVR... it wasn't the best episode ever, but I have to comment because of... JAMES FUCKING SPADER. Oh how I love that man. No one else can get away with playing THE douchiest powertripping characters on earth and still make us love him. James Spader is awesome. And "Robert California" is awesomer.

And watching him play someone's creepy, intimidating boss just makes me want to watch him play Mr. Grey in Secretary. (Before I quit my Netflix - er Qwikster, whatever - I've got to rent Secretary one more time.)


 You can point out my typos anytime!

This was going to be a blog about The Office, but honestly, I just couldn't handle blogging about that show when all I could think about was Secretary. So yeah, the show was funny, check it out next week. But if you haven't seen Secretary yet, then that's what you have to watch first. Go! Go now!

Thursday, September 22, 2011

New Show: New Girl


I watched the premiere of New Girl on FOX the other day and while there are definitely some kinks that still need to be worked out, I think I will keep watching.

The show stars Zooey Deschanel, of Yes Man, (500) Days of Summer and most recently, Your Highness. Honestly, I would watch her read the phone book for thirty minutes, so really it didn't matter if the show sucked or not... I would have still given it a chance.

I was pleasantly surprised to find that the show did not suck, but there are definitely some flaws that need to be resolved. Hopefully the show will be around long enough for us to see if those flaws are corrected.


The series follows Jess (Deschanel) who is dealing with a bad breakup and has moved in with three men Nick (Jake Johnson), Schmidt (Max Greenfield) and "Coach" (Damon Wayans, Jr).

[Word has it that Wayans will be replaced in episode 2 because his show, Happy Endings, was picked up for another season. His character will be replaced by a character named Winston played by Lamorne Morris.]


The main problem seems to be that the characters are not yet three-dimensional, which is kind of funny considering that there was actually a joke about this subject in a flashback in the first episode. (Jess decides to role play with her boyfriend, but insists on creating a three-dimensional character to play.)


Both Schmidt and Coach are caricatures... the egotistical wanna-be ladies man (who borders on douche bag at times) and the jock with anger management issues. Of the three male roommates, only one is close to a fully-formed character, sort of. Nick, is the most normal - a bit of a slacker, still a bit mopey after having been dumped six months ago - but generally a regular human being.

Even Jess is not a completely developed character just yet - she's the loveable weirdo, the beautiful dork, but she hasn't completely shown us what she's really about other than singing songs about herself and watching Dirty Dancing. But yet, she's still extremely likeable. When she drones on about jeggings - much to Coach's confusion and ire - as her absentmindedly singes her hair with a curling iron, we should be as annoyed as he is... but we're not because she's just that adorable and likeable.

It is kind of jarring to see Deschanel playing such a timid, insecure and at times unpopular character, especially for those who are familiar with her film work. Deschanel is famous for playing quirky characters - but it's usually an irreverent, confident, kind of quirky, like Summer in (500) Days of Summer, Allison in Yes Man, Jovie in Elf, Trillian in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy or even Cheryl in The Good Girl - so I'm not used to seeing her as vulnerable or even clueless.

But if anyone can make dorkiness sexy, it's Zooey Deschanel. Hopefully, Deschanel's likeability will keep the show on the air long enough for the supporting cast to grow into their characters and evolve into real human beings.

Some of the jokes were a bit hacky and unfunny and the situations somewhat contrived, but it is a sitcom on FOX so I suppose that's forgivable (for now). I did think the "douche bag" jar was a funny idea - whenever Schmdit says or does something douchey, the other roommates make him put a dollar in the douche bag jar. (I'm actually thinking of instating a similar policy at my boyfriend's apartment whenever his friends come over.) Although most of the show was only so-so, I'm definitely willing to give the writers that came up with that bit a chance to show me what else they've got.

There were a few genuine moments in the opening episode that gave me hope for the rest of the series. Like when Nick comes face to face with his ex or when the guys - even Schmidt - leave a big party to go see Jess, who has just been stood up on her first rebound date since her breakup. I actually laughed out loud when the three guys burst into song in a crowded restaurant to cheer her up. It may have been the worst rendition of "(I've Had) The Time of My Life" I ever heard, but it was actually funny and unexpected. Or it would have been unexpected if FOX hadn't spoiled it by including it in their preview commercials. Come on, FOX, when your show is only mediocre, don't give away all the best jokes before we even watch!

I will give New Girl a few more episodes before I make a final decision. I definitely see potential, but they haven't won me over just yet. But I'm hoping that they can.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Will you be watching Revenge tonight?

If you've watched any TV at all in the last few weeks you probably know that the new show Revenge premieres tonight, because ABC has been promoting the hell out of it. It's the story of Emily Thorne (Everwood's Emily VanCamp), who has come to the Hamptons seeking...well, revenge. She really wants it. Like, a LOT. In case you missed the ten million commercials that have aired so far, here's an extended promo:





I've already seen the pilot thanks to a sneak preview, and I have to say that I enjoyed it. I mean, it wasn't great - I don't think this show is going to be contending for any Emmys next year - but I liked it for what it was. It's kind of a Dawson's Creek meets The O.C. meets a Lifetime movie sort of a thing. Did the world really need another 'pretty white people with problems' show? Probably not. But I was entertained. It was fun and cheesy and overly dramatic. And if I'm in the market for a guilty pleasure show (which we pretty much always are), I'll take this over, say, a show that attempts to sell me the idea that working at The Playboy Club was the ultimate in female empowerment.

Anyone else planning on giving this show a try? Or if you're not watching this, what new shows are you checking out? We're always looking for an excuse to watch more TV, and honestly we could probably stand to add one or two vampire-free shows to our schedule, so we're open to suggestions.

Monday, September 19, 2011

The Vampire Diaries Season 3: Not Much To Care About

So after all that anticipation, the season 3 premiere of The Vampire Diaries was kind of disappointing. It wasn't terrible, but it just wasn't what we needed after the horrible, jumbled mess that was True Blood this time around. It will certainly be enough to fill our vampire fix for now, but we have to admit we were hoping for more.

The episode opened up with Klaus trying to smooth talk his way into a woman's house because his car broke down/his cell phone died/he's so charming. Yeah, she doesn't fall for it (or his fake accent) so he compells her to let him in. Once inside we find another young piece of food woman and learn that Klaus is looking for some dude named Ray Sutton who only comes home once a month. Obviously this is foreshadowing that he's a werewolf. Stefan shows up and Klaus orders him to kill both girls - and he does.

Sticking to their recurring theme of race FAIL, the episode opened up with the death of yet another woman of color even before the title even showed. Maybe the writers think that because they killed a white chick at the same time, that this counts as diversity or something, but we're really starting to get tired of this shit. We can't even make a joke "how long do you think they'll be able to wait before they kill off another black person?" without getting the answer (about 3 minutes) right away.

The only living black character at the moment is Bonnie and she wasn't even in this episode, except for a few short conversations with Jeremy via cell phone video chat. What's up with that, by the way? Was Kat Graham on location filming another amazing music video or did the other characters just not need her to do any magic chores for them yet?

Anyway, after the title sequence we see Elena waking up Jeremy because he's late for work at the Grill. We learn that Alaric has been staying with Elena and Jeremy - sleeping on the couch - as some kind of pseudo parent substitute now that all of Elena's various parental figures are dead. Caroline calls to let Elena know about a lead (another "animal attack" in Tennessee) that might help her find Stefan. She goes to tell Stefan, who greets her all sexy and naked after having just exited a bubble bath with Andie. Damon dismisses her lead, but then goes and pursues it on his own because he doesn't want Klaus to find out she's still alive. Why not? Her being alive doesn't un-break the curse, so what's the big deal? Are they just afraid that Klaus is going to kill her again for fun or is this more foreshadowing?

Back at the Grill, Jeremy chats with Bonnie via the phone and switches sections with Matt because he doesn't want to wait on Caroline and Tyler. Basically that scene was just to let us know that a) Caroline and Tyler aren't dating even though everyone thinks they are, because they pretty much are, except that they aren't and b) Matt is apparently still on the show even though there's no reason for him to be. We await his imminent death later in the season.

Klaus and Stefan meet up with Ray at the bar - where they have compelled everyone in it to ignore any scary vampire violence they may subject him to, which apparently includes "Truth or Wolfsbane" which involves using him as a human werewolf dartboard with darts dipped in wolfsbane. We learn of Klaus's evil plan he wants to create more werewolf/vampire hybrids (so he can have a hybrid posse apparently), so he needs to find more werewolves. He wants Ray to give up the whereabouts of his pack. (And no joke, I honestly typed wereabouts by accident and almost left it, because it really would've been quite fitting, but I just couldn't do that.)


Hey Ray, can we turn your werewolf pack into hybrids? K,  thanks.


Damon takes Alaric to investigate Elena's lead (without telling Elena, to protect her - both literally, from Klaus and figuratively, from knowing the truth about Stefan's newly murderous ways). They find the two dead chicks from the opening scene - who Stefan has nicely put back together like puzzle-pieces. Damon informs us that this is the signature move of Stefan, aka "The Ripper". He rips his victims apart and then when he's done, he feels bad so she puts them back together again. Stay classy Stefan! Damon and Alaric discover Ray's werewolf chamber or whatever and then burn the place down. I'm not sure why they did this... part of it is to hide what happened to these women (to avoid suspicion of vampires and to protect Stefan I assume) but it also tips Klaus off that Damon is on to them.

Back in Mystic Falls, Caroline and Tyler are preparing the Salvatore house for Elena's 18th birthday party, which Elena doesn't even want to go to at all. (It feels like the party is just another contrived plot device. I know 18 is a big deal birthday and they're trying to cheer Elena up, but who would really force their best friend to go to a birthday party after all Elena has gone through in the past two seasons? Let's recap: Her adoptive parents are dead, her Uncle Daddy is dead, her vampire mommy is dead, her mom-like aunt is dead and her vampire boyfriend is missing, possibly dead and/or on a murderous rampage. Pass that girl a beer!) Caroline and Tyler discuss how horny they both are (lovely) because of their supernatural overdrive or whatever, yet still refuse to admit that they like each other. Instead Tyler says he is bringing "Slutty Sophie" as a date to the party and Caroline wishes him luck on getting lucky.

Klaus believes that Damon is on to them, but Stefan convinces him to let him handle his brother, who is apparently playing chaperone at Elena's party. It was pretty nice of him to allow them to throw the party there - no idea why he'd decide to be that nice, it seems so out of his nature - but I guess there's nothing he won't do for the teenaged girlfriend of his younger brother woman his loves. Whatever the reason, it definitely comes off creepy that there are two old dudes (Damon and Alaric) hanging around a high school party, especially when one of them is a teacher at the high school. How has Alaric not gotten fired by now?


Neither of them care about all the underage drinking going on at this party.


Jeremy talks to Matt about his smoking marijuana again because he needs to relax because he's been "seeing things", such as his dead vampire girlfriends Vicki and Anna. Of course, he leaves out the part about the dead girlfriends, one of whom is Matt's dead sister. Um, maybe you should talk to your magical witch girlfriend instead of turning to weed? Just a thought. I could see how a regular, ignorant teenager might think he was just stressed out but this is Mystic Falls, you're the descendant of a famous vampire hunter... you know a ton of vampires and you're dating a witch. Don't you think maybe just maybe this is a supernatural issue and not a psychological one? Basically, he talks to Matt because there's nothing else for Matt to do in this show at the moment other than give Caroline snotty looks. Matt is officially the "Alcide" of The Vampire Diaries, only less hot. (At least Alcide used to take off his shirt once in a while.)

Damon mentions that Andie is on her way to the party after doing the 10 PM news, but when we but to her she mentions that she's the last one at the station. Really? No one is left editing or mixing or whatever? They let her just lock up for the night? Sure. Someone is shining a spotlight in her eyes and of course, we know it has to be Stefan even before they show his silhouette. Luckily Stefan has the most identifiable haircut on this show.

Back at the party, Matt acts all bitchy to Caroline who in turn acts all bitchy to Tyler's date "Slutty Sophie", including compelling her to leave the party. Then Caroline and Elena act bitchy to each other because Elena's stressing over her missing vampire boyfriend while Caroline is all get over it/move on/let's have birthday cake.
 
Elena finds Damon's tracker wall (which includes maps, newspaper clippings and hilarious post-it notes that say things like "Klaus?" and "neck wounds"). However, Elena can't bitch him out just yet for keeping her in the dark because he's gone to the station to pick up Andie. Really? He didn't even want to get out of the bathtub this morning to get more champagne, but he's going to drive (er, run at vampire speed) to the station to pick up his compelled-girlfriend?
Of course, when he gets there he finds Stefan who has compelled Andie not to move while she stands up on the rafters. Damon tells him this is "Not cool" (no really, he fucking said "Not cool, brother" as if Stefan had borrowed one of his toys without asking). Stefan tells Damon to leave him alone, but Damon reminds him that Elena won't exactly let him do that. So to send a message, he tells Andie to move and she falls to her death. Dick move Stefan. Isn't this the same brother that you turned evil in order to save... now you're going to use that evil to kill his girlfriend? Yes, I know that Stefan is trying to protect both Damon and Elena (and everyone else in town) from Klaus... but Damon's right, that was not cool.

Back to the party! (By the way, who the hell are all these party guests? Does Elena even know these people? I think Bonnie and Caroline are her only actual friends and Bonnie didn't even make it to her BFF's 18th birthday.) Jeremy and Matt are both stoned, which makes Matt annoying and stupid and makes Jeremy... well, it doesn't change Jeremy at all. He's still seeing flashes of dead girlfriends but at least he's smart enough not to drive.


Tyler and Caroline have a fight and he basically tells her that the only reason he's hooking up with chicks like "Slutty Sophie" is because she turned him down. If she doesn't want him to date other people, all she has to do is say so... so she kisses him and they leave the party. Score!


Damon comes home and Elena confronts him. She's pissed that he's been making her feel like an idiot the whole time that he was actually following up on her leads and tracking Klaus's victims. He finally tells her, he's not tracking Klaus's victims - it's Stefan's victims - but he doesn't mention that his girlfriend has now joined that list. He tells Elena that Stefan isn't coming back, at least not in her lifetime, because he's flipped the switch and gone full ripper. Then Damon trashes Stefan's bedroom because he's upset.

Oh look it's Matt. Let's come up with something for him to do. Jeremy and Matt eat ice cream because they're so stoned and drunk. Matt asks Jeremy why he said "Vicki" in the car and he confesses that he's been seeing her. Despite the fact that Matt now knows about werewolves and vampires, he still doesn't consider the fact that maybe there are ghosts too. He basically blows it off. In hindsight, maybe Jeremy should find someone else to confide in... a vampire, his witch girlfriend, his doppelganger sister... no he chooses the only non-supernatural person in their little circle of friends. Please. Just kill Matt already. Or turn him into a vampire. Or a zombie. Or something. It worked for Caroline - she went from the most annoying character on the show to possibly one of the best in only a few episodes after being turned.

Speaking of Caroline - she and Tyler go to the Lockwood house to get it on and they literally throw each other around in bed. Ah, supernatural strength... it sure does come in handy.

Stefan returns to the bar to watch Klaus make Ray the werewolf drink his blood. Then he snaps his neck. When he wakes back up he will be a vampire-werewolf hybrid, just like Klaus. Next he's going to move on to the rest of Ray's pack. Klaus is pleased that Stefan came back to him, proving (maybe) that he really is loyal and isn't faking just because he's forced to be with him.

Elena goes home to find Alaric. He says he's leaving because he's a bad role model and since she's 18 now she doesn't really need a drunk, mopey teacher sleeping on her couch anymore. How bad a role model can the guy be? Her Uncle Daddy was John Gilbert, her boyfriend is Stefan the Ripper and now the only "adult" she has around is Damon! Come on, Alaric is looking pretty good right about now.

Elena gets a call from an unknown number on her cell phone and she takes forever to answer it. When she does there is no one there, but yet she instinctively knows that it's Stefan. (And of course, it is Stefan... but it would've been pretty funny if it was someone else.) She tells him "you'll be okay" and "I love you - hold on to that, never let that go." Oh you always know just what to say Elena Gilbert! We can see in Stefan's face that he really is struggling to hold on.  For a minute there we thought they were going to end the episode on that downer moment, but then we cut back to Caroline, tip-toeing out of Tyler's bedroom.

The Vampire Diaries tried to redeem itself and its boring season premiere, in the very last scene.... Caroline is caught by Mrs. Lockwood. (Come on Caroline, you couldn't use your vampire speed for the walk of shame?) Instead of giving her the expected "safe sex" lecture, she shoots her with vervain darts! Finally! Some suspense we actually care about!

Overall, it was a mostly predictable unexciting season premiere. I spent more time laughing at the ridiculous of the plot than feeling worried/excited about what might happen next. It's hard to care that much about Stefan when he's off being so douchey with Klaus... it kind of makes you hope to see Elena and Damon get together once and for all, but we know that won't happen anytime soon.

Spoilers for next week's episode "The Hybrid":

With his new werewolf/vampire hybrid minion, Ray, Klaus has a plan to get even more power. But things don't go exactly as he plans (of course not). Elena has a new plan to find Stefan, which Damon and Alaric reluctantly go along with it... although it leads Damon into some trouble Jeremy turns to Matt - the least useful character on this show - for help with his ghosts-of-girlfriends-past problem. Snore... oh sorry, we fell asleep there for a minute. Tyler has a confrontation with his mom, unaware that she shot Caroline the night before with vervain darts. Here's where we would normally say "we can't wait!" but well, we kind of can wait. But we won't. We'll watch it, this Thursday at 8. Or at least by Saturday on DVR. Maybe. If we have time.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

The Vampire Diaries Return This Week!

Now that the True Blood season finale just aired, we're already looking for our next vampire TV fix. Luckily the new season of The Vampire Diaries airs this Thursday on the CW.

We recently came across the new promotional photos for the show(via ONTD) and well, we have to wonder what the heck they were thinking. The photos include shots of series stars Nina Dobrev (Elena and Katherine), Paul Wesley (Stefan), Ian Somerhalder (Damon) and new-ish cast member Joseph Morgan (Klaus) each holding a piece of bloody fruit. Yes, bloody fruit...



Dobrev holds a bloody pomegranate, Somerhalder holds an apple, and Morgan holds a pear. It's hard to see Wesley's fruit, which is hidden in his giant hand and covered in fake blood, but it might be a peach. (Somehow Morgan, who appeared in a handful of episodes last season and has been upped to series regular for season 3, suddenly ranks up there with the three main stars. We can only imagine this means big stuff for Klaus in season 3.)

Sure these photos are pretty sexy, but what photos of this cast wouldn't be sexy? The bloody fruit, though, is less sexy. In addition to the individuals pics, there is also a group shot of the four stars having what can only be described as the grossest picnic ever.



I get the whole 'forbidden fruit' concept, but it just feels like a rip-off of Twilight and ends up coming off as a PG-13 version of True Blood's advertising pics. (Which makes sense actually, since the show is pretty much a PG-13 version of True Blood.)






What do you think? Sexy? Gross? Creative? Unoriginal?

Before the Season 3 premiere this Thursday (9/15), let's take a look back at some the cliffhangers and unanswered questions we had at the end of Season 2. When we last left the Salvatore brothers, Damon was dying from a werewolf bite and Klaus was holding Katherine hostage. Stefan made a deal with the evil 'Original' vampire/werewolf Klaus to save the life of his brother Damon... after having killed his own brother, Elijah, Klaus needed a vampire wing man/travel buddy. Damon mades a deathbed confession to Elena, that he loves her, and she kissed him. But then Katherine showed up with the antidote (Klaus' hybrid blood). After Jeremy was accidentally shot by Sheriff Forbes, Bonnie used magic to bring him back to life despite warnngs that it may come with "consequences". Those consequences turn out to be visions of his dead vampire ex-girlfriends Vicki and Anna.

Now for the Spoiler Alert!

According to the CW's website, the season 3 premiere will focus on Elena and Damon searching for clues that will help them find Stefan, who is busy trailing a werewolf for some reason. Jeremy is struggling to understand why he's seeing he's seeing the ghosts of girlfriends past and Alaric is mourning Jenna while trying to watch over Elena and Jeremy. And Caroline and Tyler "face a new and unexpected challenge" (whatever that means).

Monday, September 12, 2011

True Blood Season 4 Finale

A few weeks ago we asked the question "will the jumbled True Blood Season 4 make sense by the finale?" There has been a lot going on this season and so many of the storylines seemed disjointed. Only three episodes from the finale, we wondered whether the writers could possibly tie it all together in time.


(It should go without saying that this blog entry contains some major SPOILERS...but okay, we're saying it. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.)
Jezebel: My test for how exciting this episode is, is going to be whether I'm tempted to check the Jets game during it.
Lilith: That's a good test. If I'm tempted to check the Jets game, then we know it's total crap.
The episode opens up the morning after last week's craziness, with everyone having breakfast. The finale starts with a nice creepy moment between Lafayette and Jesus, only we know that it isn't Lafayette. It's actually evil, crazy Marnie, in Lafayette's body. Just when you start to think "okay... nothing's happening...'' Marnie/Lafayette stabs Jesus in the hand with a fork! I'm sorry you didn't like the way Jesus made your breakfast, but damn.... Then we cut to Sookie's breakfast. She's having "residual weirdness" and thinking about her Gran. For some reason she is letting Tara stay with her again, like, did you forget that Tara basically organized Antonia/Marnie's whole fucked up scheme that almost got you and your two vampire boyfriends killed? Forgiveness! But like Tara says, the two of them are "magnets for fucking craziness".


Then we cut to Sam, alone at Tommy's funeral. Mrs. Fortenberry shows up and we have to wonder why isn't anyone else there? Sam didn't tell any of his friends... or employees from Merlotte's... or tenants... or anyone that Tommy died? It's annoying has Sam has barely interacted with anyone this season, outside of his little side story. His storyline barely intersected with anyone else's. He had like one conversation with Tara when she came back, but that was pretty much it. Tommy-Sam interacted with more people than real Sam. Yet somehow Mrs. Fortenberry knows to go to the funeral. I guess she was the only one not involved in a crazy vampire-witch feud.
Mrs. Fortenberry: He said, 'Sam shooting me was the best thing that ever happened to me Mrs. Fortenberry, because it brought me to you and the lord'. Sweet boy. Of course, then he stole a bunch of my clothes and jewelry. even a pair of my underpants. and my favorite church shoes.
Sam: I'm sorry. Nobody taught Tommy how to love somebody without hurting them. I let him down that way too.
Mrs. Fortenberry: My guess is, nobody taught you neither. We all do the best we can with what we got. I'm gonna bring by one of my famous pork rind casseroles later.
Sam: No, no don't trouble yourself Mrs. Fortenberry. [Translation: "Ew, please don't make me eat a pork rind casserole."]
Mrs. Fortenberry: Nonsense, Tommy may not a been my flesh and blood but he was a son to me. You call me 'Mama' from now on. We're all the family we got left.

Poor Sam. He had two sets of fucked up parents in a row and now he has to call Mrs. Fortenberry 'Mama'. If that isn't just the cruelest fate of all. It is pretty sweet to see Mrs. Fortenberry being so kind to Sam, but let's not forget that Sam is not all the family she's got left. She does have a son who is flesh and blood, who she doesn't speak to at all. She disowned him and tried to murder his vampire girlfriend, remember? As if the writers want to make sure that we do remember, the next scene is between Hoyt and Jason.

It was pretty hard to see Jason trying to tell Hoyt what happened. (It was even harder trying not to laugh at what is probably the dumbest secret handshake ever.) Finally Jason just blurted it out. For a minute there we thought that maybe this was another dream sequence, but no, he really just blurted that shit out.
Jason: I had sex with Jessica.
Hoyt: (laughing) Yeah
Jason: I ain't joking. I wish I was but I ain't.
Hoyt: How?
Jason: Kind of a weird question to ask, man. But if you really wanna know. Missionary, then doggie, then her on top. It was nothing too kinky...
[Hoyt punches Jason in the face]
Hoyt: No. How could you do that to me? Not how did you fuck my girl!
Jason: Listen I'm sorry man. But technically... Hey, technically, she wasn't your girl no more. You said you never wanted to see her again.
Hoyt: Yeah, fuck you.
Then Hoyt proceeded to kick Jason's ass... both literally and metaphorically, telling him "What Jess and I had, it was real and you ain't never gonna have that. Not with her, not with anybody. 'Cause there's something inside you that... is just missing." Ouch. It's been a rough season for Jason. He was kidnapped, eaten by werepanthers, raped, burned, beat up and now he's lost his best friend.

Then back to Lafayette and Jesus. Oh what is that accent? Lafayette talking as Marnie almost makes me mourn for Marnie talking as Antonia. This sounded like Lafayette was channeling Marnie, Antonia, Mavis and her dead baby all at once. Although who could concentrate on what she/he was saying anyway? We were too distracted by that hair. Marnie/Lafayette and Jesus have a nice chit chat about Halloween and Wicca and magic.
Marnie/Lafayette: The vampires have done a thorough job of demonizing our most sacred sabbath. Turned our religion into a joke.
Jesus: I agree with you. Vampires suck. [Pun intended?]
She wants his powerful "brujo magic"... but as Jesus tells her, "You can't trade magic like fucking Pokemon cards!" In order to stop Marnie/Lafayette from hurting Lafayette's body, Jesus says a spell to bring out his 'true face' and then goes all demon again. Marnie/Lafayette stabs him in the stomach and licks the knife. And then Marnie/Lafayette has the demon face. Well that seemed kinda quick and easy. So, apparently you can trade magic like Pokemon cards?

Sookie goes back to Merlotte's. For some odd reason, Sam quickly jumps from 'oh my brother's dead, what a bummer' to 'let's all wear Halloween costumes at work, yay'. Arlene and Terry are dressed as zombies, because "zombies are the new vampires" (so true). Arlene's daughter Lisa is dressed as Jenelle from Teen Mom 2. Fucking hilarious. Sam introduces Luna's daughter Emma to Colby, Lisa and Arlene.
Arlene: And what are you, cutie-patootie?
Emma: I'm either going to be a shifter like my mommy or a werewolf like my daddy, he's dead.
Arlene: Alrighty then. I'm gonna get back to work.
And then in walks... Noel from Felicity! Okay, really, it's Sergeant Patrick Devins, United States Marine Corps...
Terry: I heard you were dead.
Patrick: I heard you were crazy.
Terry: Well, yeah. That's still true.

Finally we find out what happened to Noel after Felicity ended. He joined the marines! He's giving off a super creepy vibe and knowing how much the marines fucked Terry up, we can't see any good coming from this nice little visit. Speaking of nice little visits, Alcide stops by the bar to offer Sookie some unsolicited advice, because, "people don't change, they just find new ways to lie."
Alcide: Remember when you said, if you were smart, you'd have fallen in love with someone like me?
Sookie: Alcide don't.
Alcide: People always say 'follow your heart'. What if your heart keeps telling you to do the same stupid shit over and over again? What if our hearts can't be trusted? It's our brains we should be listening to. [...]
Alcide: Debbie's out of my life... for good this time. I'm done with the drama. I want you to be done with it too.
Sookie: I can't change who I love. Lord knows I've tried.
Alcide: Try harder.

Tara goes to visit Lafayette (the writers have so thoroughly fucked her character this season, that when I see her I just roll my eyes) and she discovers Jesus's dead body. For some reason we were hoping that Jesus would survive, but alas, he's for real dead.

Back at Merlotte's, Sookie is lighting jack-o-lanterns when Holly Cleary startles her. "I'm just a fairy honey. Ain't nothing scary about fairies." Oh if you only knew Holly! Holly tells Sookie about Halloween or as the Wiccans allegedly call it "Sam-a-hain". (We know that this show doesn't exactly portray Wicca 100% accurately, but is that really how you pronounce Samhain? We've heard it a lot of different ways, but never like that exactly. Wiccans, feel free to weigh in in the comments.)

Holly smokes some weed and tells Sookie about the "terrible feeling" she's got in her gut, when Tara drives up to tell them that Jesus is dead and Marnie is inside Lafayette. Usually when you have a bad feeling in your gut like that it isn't instantly confirmed, but well, this is True Blood. The three of them drive up and find Eric and Bill shirtless and chained together. I know it's supposed to be scary, but it kinda looks like a scene from a gay BDSM porno. Marnie/Lafayette, who is now apparently dressed like Bea Arthur, tells them "As your friend Lafayette would say, what goes around comes around, bitches."

Tara begs Marnie/Lafayette not to do this, but she/he wants justice for "all the women you tortured and burned for centuries, all to repress a magic that's older and more powerful" than vampires. While they're debating it, Holly is sprinkling salt in a circle around them. Like, don't mind me, I'm just doing my Wicca thang. Pay no attention to the fairy with the salt. Marnie/Lafayette uses magic to light a fire under Bill and Eric, so Sookie uses her magic fairy light powers to zap her/him away. She/he gets back up, but now with scary demon face.

Holly, Sookie and Tara hold hands and start to chant. The circle of salt forms an orb of protection or something around them. Really? We know that Holly was casting a circle of protection, but we didn't think it was going to form a literal shield. Just a few minutes ago Holly was telling them how she doesn't usually do shit like this, but now suddenly she's a master Wiccan who can cast the strongest magic circle ever? (And do it all while high, no less. Nice work, Holly!)

All of their dead friends and family members come out to help... including Antonia. Antonia blows out the fire beneath Bill and Eric, with her powerful ghost-witch breath. She tells Marnie/Lafayette that "all creatures have their purpose, even vampires" because "their cruelty served its purpose" (to bring them together). Then Gran shows up to literally rip Marnie out of Lafayette's mouth. Go Gran! Marnie begs that she's not ready to go. And then suddenly we're watching a cross between Oprah and The Ghost Whisperer. Yeah, okay Marnie. Tell us how you feel, let it all out.
Antonia: Marnie can't you see? Life is pain. but soon all you have suffered and feared will be meaningless. You will be at peace. but them?
Marnie: They'll be stuck here forever.
Antonia: And there is no victory in that.
We gotta admit, this was not the big 'solution' that we were expecting. We didn't think it was gonna be some big group therapy session. Sookie begs Gran not to go. Gran tells her, "Being alone, it ain't nothing to be afraid of my Sookie." Tara tends to Lafayette and finally Eric reminds everyone that they're still chained up there and "feeling a little crispy".

Back at Merlotte's, Arlene is taking out the trash. It seems that Holly really did summon up all their dead friends and family members, because Rene is back! We're not sure if it's really Rene or not, because he's still talking with his fake Cajun accent. Wouldn't he have dropped the facade after death? He tells her he's here to warn her. (Really? Would Rene come back from the dead to warn Arlene or is this more of him just being evil?) He tells her that Terry is "bringing trouble of the worst kind".
Rene: I've met the ghosts of his past. They ain't gonna rest forever.
We have to believe that this is Noel's Patrick's fault. We really don't want there to be a bad-Terry storyline.We like Terry. He's one of the only truly likeable characters on this show!

Then we see... Little Red Riding Hood riding through the woods. Oh no it's just Jessica, going to visit Jason for a late night booty call. He tells her what happened with Hoyt and invites her in. They make love and have a serious heart-to-heart conversation. At the same time. (Was that really the time for that talk, Jessica?)
Jessica: I don't wanna be your girlfriend.
Jason: What?
Jessica: I just got out of a serious relationship. My first and only relationship. I'm not ready to commit to you.
Jason: Okay. Okay uh... Kind wish you woulda told me that before I took an ass kicking.
Jessica: I didn't ask you to do that.
Jason: No, but it was the right thing to do.
Jessica: And since when is Jason Stackhouse concerned with doing the right thing?
Jason: You don't know me very well.
Jessica: Fair enough. I'm just barely getting to know myself. I don't wanna hurt you the way I hurt Hoyt. So I'm asking you, can this be enough for now? Cause... cause I don't want it to stop.
Back at Fangtasia, Pam is still super upset after Eric yelled at her last episode. Now that they can't find him, she's distraught. She vents to Ginger, who adorably tries to console her with a hug.
Pam: Sookie! I am so over Sookie and her precious fairy vagina and her unbelievably stupid name. Fuck Sookie! I've been with Eric over 100 years, I've watched him seduce supermodels and princesses and spit out their bones when he's finished. How can someone named Sookie take him away from me?
It's true. Sookie is an unbelievably stupid name. And yeah, she's got delicious magic blood.... but is she really that amazing that every heterosexual guy (except for her brother) on this show wants to fuck her and die for her? Back at Sookie's house, Lafayette is in bed crying. His boyfriend is dead - at his own hands, sorta - and to top it all off, he's got this evil magic power inside him that he never wanted in the first place. (Since he's a medium, maybe he can have a nice heart to heart with the ghost of Eggs about what it's like when you sort of accidentally-on-purpose kill people while possessed by other people.) Tara tries to console him, and tells him that they're going to get through this together.

Downstairs, Bill and Eric are double-teaming drinking from Sookie, in order to heal themselves.
Bill: You saved my life, both of our lives.
Sookie: It was my turn.
This looks like the start to an interesting threesome. We were hoping for her to pull a 'Bret Michaels' and ask them to both be her vampire boyfriend. But instead she pulls a 'Kelly Taylor' and chooses not to be with either of them. Worst threesome ever, but Sookie was actually smart for once. She took Gran's words to heart, that it's okay to be alone. (Unless of course the episode ends with her fucking Alcide or something.)

Jesus's ghost visits Lafayette. Lafayette apologizes for killing him. Jesus tells him "Don't worry about it. I'm cool with how thing went." (Really? No biggie. I'm dead, but it's cool.) He kisses him and tells him to just keep breathing and he'll get through this. Lafayette asks him not to go.
Jesus: Dude, I'm dead. You're a medium. I'll always be with you.
Honestly, we were almost hoping for Jesus to inhabit Lafayette's body and they could just share the body and live together in there. (Sort of like the very end of the last episode of Dollhouse.)

Andy visits Holly and apologizes for his past behavior. He confesses that he was a V-addict and tells her "I'm sober and I'm lonely... and I can be good to someone, if they let me." She's not up for any of this right now, but she could use a hug so he gives her one.

Sam kisses Luna goodnight and she takes Emma home. Just when we're wondering why there wasn't any werewolf drama after Marcus's death... we see a quick shot of a wolf, growling. Guess they're going to leave that storyline open-ended until next season.

Back at Jason's house, Jessica is getting dressed and ready to go. Jason asks her if she thinks there's a part of him that is missing and if that is why she doesn't want to stay with him. Aw. Jessica confesses that the reason she's leaving is because she's hungry but she doesn't want to drink his blood because she's not ready to be that intimate with him... "at least not yet."

She leaves and then there's a knock at the door. It could have been so many people... Jessica coming back for more. Hoyt there to kick his ass. Crystal Norris, pregnant with Jason's panther baby. Tara or Sookie looking for help. The pizza delivery guy. Anyone. But no, it's... Reverend Newlin!? As a vampire. Well, okay, RANDOM!

Alcide discovers that someone has dug a hole in the cement of a parking lot, leaving behind a glamored and bewildered employee and... some silver chains. Is it the return of Russel Edgington!? Dun... dun... dun.

It took us a minute to figure out what the hell this had to do with Alcide, because we had almost forgotten that he works in construction. Basically, this is just the writers' way of shoving him into another unrelated storyline just so there's still a reason to keep him on the show. Take off your shirt!

Nan Flanagan pays a visit to Bill and Eric. She has quit her job at the AVL and was 'fired' from the Authority. There's been an order issued on Bill and Eric's heads, but Nan has another idea. She's going rogue!?
Nan: How about your little fairy waitress.. Oh come on. The mind reading... the microwave fingers. You didn't think I knew what she was? There are least a couple of thousand vampires who would do almost anything to get a taste of her blood.
Bill: Go ahead. She belongs to neither of us.
Eric: She smells fantastic, but that's hardly worth dying for.
Nan: You're bluffing. I saw the way you both looked at her. Hungry puppy dogs slobbering over the same juicy bone.
Within seconds Eric kills her 'storm troopers' and Bill stakes her in the heart. Hm, that's not exactly how we expected that conversation to go. Shame really, Nan Flanagan was kind of a great character.

Just when you think there can't be anymore gross surprises... Debbie Pelt shows up at Sookie's house with a gun. Didn't this happen last season? "I shoulda done this a long time ago", she says and fires. Tara jumps in front of Sookie to protect her and gets a bullet to the head. Sookie attacks Debbie, gets on top of her, grabs the gun and shoots her in the face. As Tara lays there bleeding in the kitchen, Sookie yells "Please, somebody help!" (How bout you call 911 dumbass?) That was really the biggest surprise of the season. Just when we were finally at the point where we weren't wishing for Tara's death, now they shoot her in the head? Guess Sookie's going to be more alone than she thought.

All we can think about though, is poor Lafayette. He really has nobody now. The one person who he had to help him through this... is dead. At least he's a medium, so we can maybe expect some ghostly guest appearances from Jesus and Tara. Of course, there's still the chance that Tara isn't really dead. She's bleeding out in Sookie's kitchen (poor girl, how many times has she had to wash that floor) but it's possible that the next season will open up with Bill and Eric sensing her fear and rushing to her house to help her. Possibly healing Tara with their vampire blood. Or not. It's hard to tell. After all the episodes where they repeatedly teased us with death to Bill, Eric or Sookie, I guess they finally had to kill someone real.

We have to admit this was not the season finale we were expecting. A lot of the episodes this season were pretty tame and almost boring. After the Marnie thing got wrapped up so easily with a group therapy lovefest halfway through the episode, we weren't exactly expecting it to end with back-to-back scenes of people dying in a bloody mess. And then let's just throw in Rev. Newlin and Russel Edgington, because... why not?

So now that the season finale has aired, let's take a look back at some of these jumbled storylines and see which ones have been resolved and whether or not they ended up making sense together after all.
  • The faeries
In the first episode, they made a huge foreshadowy deal about Sookie going to the faerie realm and pissing off the faerie powers that be and then... nothing happened. With the exception of Sookie's fairy godmother showing up for a few seconds in episode 3 (only to be sucked dry by amnesia Eric), we didn't see any fae for weeks. Finally in the second-to-last episode, a fairy named Maurella seduced Andy Bellefleur in the woods (um, okay) and then in the finale... nothing. Maybe they'll bring back this long forgotten storyline next season.
  • Portia Bellefleur
Apparently that was just a throwaway storyline. We haven't even seen Portia with Andy or Terry. It was really pointless and served no purpose in the overall plot whatsoever.
  • The werepanthers
So this storyline was totally dropped as well. Jason's not going to turn into a panther and he's apparently even over the trauma of being raped. I guess Crystal's not going to show up again until next season?
  • Jason, Jessica and Hoyt
Now this is actually one of the storylines that we've been enjoying. We never would've thought that we wanted to see more scenes of Jason and Jessica, until this season, and now we can't get enough of them! We kind of liked the fact that Jessica isn't going to just jump into a relationship with Jason. They obviously have a connection, but it wouldn't have made sense if she broke up with Hoyt and then went into the same exact situation with someone else. And it was heartbreaking to see the end to Jason and Hoyt's friendship and we're curious to see if there will be further repercussions.
  • Eric, Bill and Sookie
So Sookie pulled an 'I choose me' moment. It's interesting to see that both Eric and Bill are still willing to do whatever it takes to protect Sookie, including kill or be killed. But can we please stop with the "will Eric and/or Bill die?" cliffhangers already!? Those aren't cliffhangers. We know that they're not going to kill off either of those two characters. The viewers would revolt. The show would wither and die. Sookie would only have one admirer (Alcide) instead of three, so her self-esteem would just plummet. Let's get realistic writers. Teasing us with the possible deaths of either of these big, bad vamps (or Sookie herself for that matter) is just a waste of time and frankly, feels more condescending that it does suspenseful.

So... how long do you think single-Sookie will last? A few episodes?
  • Eric and Pam
Poor Pam. First she literally starts decomposing and now Eric is mad at her, all because she couldn't bear to see him die for Sookie. (Really, none of us could bear to see that.) It's unclear whether or not she's actually stopped decomposing. She has looked pretty good the last few episodes, but is that because of her "treatments" or was the spell broken when Antonia split from Marnie once and for all? Seeing her cry to Ginger (while Ginger tentatively hugged her) was heartbreaking and hilarious at the same time. We definitely didn't see enough of her in the finale and we hope to see more of her in the next season.
    • Sam and Luna
    The people who complicate Sam's life the most have all ended up dead this season. First Tommy killed their no-good parents, then Marcus killed Tommy, then Alcide killed Marcus. It seems as though Sam and Luna and her daughter are now finally free to be a happy shifter family together. Of course we know that's not possible. True Blood doesn't seem to like to let Sam Merlotte be happy for too long at a time... so we can only speculate what bad news will befall him next. Will his parents' bodies turn up, with Sam as the likely suspect? Will the werewolves try to avenge Marcus's death? Will Emma resent Sam for playing a part in her father's death? Will they ever all go camping again!?
      • Sam and Tommy
      Like we said above, Tommy's dead. Looks like this plotline got resolved in the only way possible. Of course, while the sibling rivalry may be finished, is the 'drama'? Sam has been linked to a pretty long chain of deaths since the series began... will the guilt finally get to him? The fact that Tommy received the beating that was intended for Sam himself, has got to be hard to come to terms with. Especially considering the sad "I'm sorry" letter that Tommy attempted to write.
      • Arlene and Terry and the baby
      Since episode one there were hints that something might not be 100% right with Arlene's baby. (In fact, the foreshadowing on this one goes way back to last season.) The Lafayette-Mavis thing was resolved way too quickly and we know now that it was just a way of setting up the scene for Marnie to inhabit Lafayette's body in the finale. But there were signs of something being wrong with the baby before Jessica gave her that creepy baby doll... Now that Terry's marine buddy has shown up unexpectedly and Rene came back for a quickie warning, is it possible that there are some more dark times coming for the Bellefleurs?
      • Tara
      Tara's storyline went back and forth between boring and annoying... and then went out with a bang! It had gotten to the point that it was kind of hard to care at all what she was up to... She basically helped Marnie/Antonia organize her anti-vampire crusade and then was pissed when it backfired on her (duh). The secret identity and lesbian girlfriend plotlines were both dropped about as quickly as they were introduced. Tara basically existed only to be depressed or pissed off at someone. It's really a shame that the writers didn't give her something more interesting to do. Now that Lafayette needs her more than ever, she's been shot in the head and we're left wondering if she's gone for good.
      • Andy
      It's nice to see Andy trying to turn his life around. He's off the V (for now), he's trying to forget about what he thinks was a hallucination in the woods and move on with his life. It was cute to see him trying to get back with Holly Cleary and maybe someday that'll happen for him. Of course, we know that the "hallucination" in the woods was really a fairy. And despite how beautiful and magical and awesome we thought the fairies were last season, this season we know that they're creepy and evil. So what exactly do they want with poor Andy Bellefleur? That was a really random happening and then we're just supposed to forget about it?
      • Alcide and Debbie
      At least they actually gave Alcide something to do in the last two episodes. We were glad to see that he's given Debbie Pelt the boot once and for all, not just because she's awful but also because it was just a useless storyline this season. Of course, Debbie showing up at Sookie's house to kill her was just a rehashing of last season's Alcide and Debbie plot. Guess some people really don't change. Of course, this time Sookie didn't let Debbie off the hook so easily and shot her in the face. So now what is there left for Alcide to do, other than pine for Sookie and clean up his parking lot? We saw a werewolf show up Sam's house... does the pack know what role that Alcide played in Marcus's death? When is he going to take off his shirt again?
      • Marnie and Antonia
      Ding Dong! The Witch is Dead! Yep, Marnie bit the big one in the second-to-last episode... but that bitch witch couldn't stay dead for more than a few hours before she hopped right into Lafayette's body. (In hindsight, we should've seen that coming... but we were a little bit off on our predictions.)
      Like we said, we did not expect this drama to be resolved in such a tame way. A heart-to-heart with a bunch of dead people was the solution? That's it? It was kind of cool to see Holly Cleary (the only witch on the show who even remotely resembles a real Wiccan) save the day but we're kind of relieved that this whole Marnie bullshit is finally over.
      • Lafayette and Jesus

        Poor Lafayette. What more could they have done to the poor guy this season? He didn't even want to pursue magic, but Jesus pushed him into it and look where it got him... first he was inhabited by some dead lady and forced to kidnap Arlene's baby. Then he gets caught up in the middle of a witches-vs-vampires feud that he had no place being in. Finally he's possessed by an evil witch, forced to kill his boyfriend and take on his dark brujo magic. Just when you think nothing worse could possibly happen to him, his cousin - the only person he has left to help him cope - gets shot in the head. Why, writers, why? Why do you want to hurt poor Lafayette so? Leave Lafayette alone! The only silver lining that we can come up with here, is that at least Lafayette will hopefully get a haircut, because that's what characters do when they undergo a life-changing traumatic experience.
      What's even more messed up is that if Tara is in fact dead, then that was two people of color killed in one episode... leaving Lafayette as the one, last standing main character who is a minority.
      • Nan Flanagan and the Authority
      Well, I guess the whole PR-campaign is over. It's a shame to lose her as a character because she was kind of fun and we were actually looking forward to seeing Nan go rogue! Of course, her death doesn't solve the fact that the Authority has ordered that Bill and Eric both meet the true death. We know that there are other members of the Authority who don't agree with the current regime's agenda, but without Nan will Bill and Eric know how to save themselves and Sookie?
      • Russel Edgington

        He's back... or at least, he's out of the cement. (We knew that was going to happen eventually... it was all just a matter of when.) It's not exactly clear how he got out or who helped him. And of course, there's no knowing what he'll do next, but you can imagine it's going to be some crazy shit. We can't wait! Oh boy is he going to be pissed off.
        • Reverend Newlin
        Now this was the most random part of the episode. Really, it was the most random part of the season. For those of you who don't remember who that was, Rev. Steve Newlin was the head of the Fellowship of the Sun. In this season it was revealed that he had been missing for six months... what better way to punish an anti-vampire activist than by turning him into a vampire. But who turned him? Why is he back now? Why is he visiting Jason specifically? (Maybe he's still pissed that Jason hooked up with his wife?)

        Looking forward for season 5, which is schedule to air in July 2012. (That seems so far away. Waiting sucks!) Just to keep you in breathless anticipation... here are some season 5 spoilers. And if you're really fiending for some vampire fun, the new season of The Vampire Diaries airs this Thursday on the CW.

          Thursday, September 8, 2011

          5 Things We're Already Sick Of Hearing About Chaz Bono On Dancing With The Stars

          The new season of Dancing with the Stars doesn't premiere until September 19, but we feel like we've already heard more about it than the last few seasons put together thanks to the presence of Chaz Bono in the cast.  A lot of people have a lot of feelings about Chaz being on the show, and unfortunately (but predictably) much of the commentary has been ignorant and transphobic.  The same stupid arguments keep popping up again and again in the comments that we've read, so we put together a quick roundup of the main things that we're already tired of hearing about this situation.


          Read More at EvilSlutopia.com

          Tuesday, September 6, 2011

          Did Align rip-off V8?

          Has anyone seen the new commercials for Align probiotic? I can't find a copy of the commercial online, but here's a photograph that will give you the gist:



          Basically, the premise is that without Align, you don't have "digestive balance". Does this remind anyone of another certain ad campaign from a while back?

          Remember the old school V8 commercials?




          If anyone can find a copy of the Align commercial online please send us a link.

          Saturday, September 3, 2011

          A Little True Blood Prediction? (SPOILER ALERT)

          So we just watched one of HBO's True Blood sneak preview videos from this weekend's episode: Marnie Just Puked. This is very interesting. We realized last week that Marnie is not just an idiot who let a powerful spirit take over her body; on the contrary, she is the mastermind behind the whole "Witches vs. Vampires" scheming and is benefiting from Antonia's powers.

          In this sneak preview, we see Antonia and Marnie separate yet again... As Lafayette so perfectly put it, "Marnie just puked a bitch out". Turns out Antonia isn't too happy with what Marnie's been doing. Marnie and Lafayette are the only ones who can see Antonia because they're both mediums.


          We already have seen Lafayette be inhabited by two spirits, Jesus's uncle and Mavis. (Speaking of Mavis, how is it that only Marnie and Lafayette can see Antonia's spirit, but everyone could see Mavis and her baby when she finally exited Lafayette's body. We know Terry and Arlene aren't mediums.)

          So we have a little prediction for tomorrow's episode... We predict that Antonia will go into Lafayette instead of Marnie and they will save the day, somehow, without having to be blown up by Bill, Eric, Pam and Jessica. What do you think? Do you think we're right??

          Hopefully Nelsan Ellis, the actor who plays Lafayette, can do Antonia's accent in a slightly less annoying way than Fiona Shaw (Marnie). We can't wait to find out.