Monday, June 17, 2013

True Blood Season 6: How Much More Ridiculous Can This Show Get?

The Season Premiere of True Blood was last night, so we thought what better way to revive our ESC TV blog than to tell you all of our feelings about it...

It was a weird-ass episode. Of course, they're all always weird-ass episodes, but this one was particular weird. I'm not sure how I feel about the show anymore. Maybe the show has just gone on for too many seasons, so they have to keep topping themselves with crazy storylines... but it is getting ridiculous already.

I was sort of on board when they went into the religious fanaticism, but now we're supposed to believe that the vampire Bible is true? After all these seasons of vampires, werewolves, werepanthers (whatever happened to them by the way), shifters, faeries, witches and ghosts... it's still hard for me to suspend my belief and accept this one.

The episode starts off exactly where last season's finale ended. Bill Compton just gulped down Lilith's blood, dissolved into a bloody puddle, and arisen from the blood as a bloody monster ("Billith").

Billith chases Eric and Sookie. They get trapped in an elevator and climb through the shaft. Meanwhile, Jason and Nora (Eric's sister) help Pam, Tara, and Jessica escape the Authority building. Elsewhere, Sam and Luna are also fleeing from the Authority building with her daughter Emma. Luna can't make it any further (shifting into Steve Newlan last season took a lot of out of her). She collapses and before she dies, tells Sam to go and keep Emma safe. Poor Sam, he just can't catch a break. How many dead girlfriends is that now?

We get to see a little of Billith's powers, through foggy Billithvision. He bursts a pipe which causes an explosion. As the building catches fire, Nora, Jason, Pam and Tara don't know what to do but just then Eric and Sookie pull up in a car to rescue everyone. (How exactly, we'll never know.) As they're speeding away, bloody Billith emerges from the fiery building.
Jessica: "Is that Bill?"
Sookie: "Not anymore." 

They drive away and they don't think he's following them. Unless, as Jason puts it, "he's flying over our heads like a naked, evil superman." They turn on the radio and hear a special announcement from Louisiana Governor Truman Burrell.  

The scene cuts to Governor Burrell: "I swore an oath to serve and protect the people of this state - people, not vampires." He explains that while he has nothing against vampires as a species (hmmmm), 246 Louisianans have lost their lives since the terrorist attacks on the Tru Blood factories. "When human tax-paying citizens can no longer walk on these streets at night without fearing for their lives, then we have to take our streets back!" He institutes a state-wide vampire curfew (all vampires must remain indoors or underground after sundown) and is closing down all vampire-run businesses. He encourages everyone to go buy guns and stock up on wooden bullets.

Back in the getaway car, everyone is freaking out. And Pam is hurt that Eric never told her he had a sister. 
Pam: "Why? Don't you trust me?"
Eric: "Get over it and have my back... or get out of my face."

I gotta say, I kind of love sad Pam. After seasons of cold as ice, emotionless Pam... it's nice to see her "human" side once in a while and I like that they're giving Kristin Bauer van Straten (the actress who plays her) something to do other than just spout snappy one-liners. Nora is freaking because there was no mention of resurrection in the Book of Lilith (the vampire bible) but it only took one drop of Lilith's blood to screw her up, so if Bill drank all of it, that can't be good.
Nora: "If Lilith is walking the earth is any form, we have to destroy her!"
Jessica: "Destroy her? You mean you wanna kill Bill!"

Everyone runs off in separate directions and there three separate heart-to-heart conversations take place.

1. Pam and Tara: Pam is upset about Eric. (And speaking of snappy one-liners, Pam says "I hate the beach! Fish piss and sand in your cooch.") Tara tells her, "you know love doesn't have to be a competition between you and everybody else" and Pam cries on her shoulder. 

2. Jessica and Sookie: They both admit that loving him is just in their blood now, but they're both afraid of him. Sookie tells her "I saw him die, Jess. And then I watched him turn into... something... else. Whatever that thing is, it's not Bill." They need to let him go.

3. Nora and Jason: Okay, maybe this one isn't so much a heart-to-heart, as a gun-to-heart. Nora forces Jason to tell her what he knows about Warlow and he reveals that he knows he murdered his parents because "the faeries channeled nature's memories and then he was floating in the air in Sookie's bathroom." Then Jason gets pissed that she glamored him to tell her the truth and pulls a gun (loaded with wooden bullets) on her, yelling "I am sick as fuck of you bloodsuckers brain-raping me against my will!" There's a standoff between them and he demands to know more about Warlow. She doesn't know who or where he is, but explains that in the Book of Lilith, Warlow is one of Lilith's progeny, one of the first vampires.

Everyone runs to see what's going on between Jason and Nora (and if we're not mistaken, Tara is buttoning her pants as she speeds over, hmmm what else was happening on the beach?) Eric explains to Sookie "apparently our siblings don't get along" and says that the only reason he hasn't killed Jason already is out courtesy to her. Sookie jumps in front of Nora to protect her and Jason is pissed that she keeps taking "their" side.
Jason: "You love these vamps more than you do your own! As far as I'm concerned you're as dead to me as they are."
He runs off and Tara says to just let him go and blow off some steam. Then Jessica feels Billith summoning her. He's literally pulling her body toward him and when Eric tries to block her, she starts to gag and cough up blood and feel terrible pain. It feels like his fist is squeezing her heart and they realize they have to let her go to him.

Sookie takes Jessica to Billith and Eric orders Pam to take Tara back to Fangtasia and wait for him. "Get out of my way Pam. How many times do I have to say it?" (Poor Pam.)

Elsewhere, Alcide's new pack has surrounded the dead body of J.D. (the former packmaster whom he has just defeated) and are eating the carcass. In order to officially become packmaster Alcide must eat him as well ("inherit the flesh"). He's still on V and he furiously bites into J.D.'s arm. Gross. Although if anyone can still look while chowing down on some dude's arm, it's Joe Manganiello. Watching this, Martha (Emma's grandmother) says to Rikki "the vampire blood will wear off. Power is a more dangerous drug. Eats away at a man's decency." Just then one of the wolves shifts back into human form and it's a sexy naked werewolf-chick named Danielle. She says to Alcide, "Packmaster, I'm glad to serve you any way I can." Hmmm. Then the whole pack (except for Martha, Rikki and the dead guy) shift and go running in the woods.

Back at the Bellefleur residence, Arlene is pissed that she and Terry are taking care of Andy's "litter of alien babies" while he sits outside moping. She tells him "Life ain't fair. And there ain't no Santa Claus neither. And when you stick Mr. Happy in someone's hoohah without a raincoat on, babies come out!" Andy admits he doesn't know how to take care of his own babies. He hasn't had time to read a book or take a "goddamn poop class" and he has no idea how to be a parent.
Andy: "Look at me Arlene, do I look like somebody's parent to you?"
Arlene: "You look scared out of your wits. Which is how any halfway decent parent oughta be."

They go inside and Arlene and Terry help teach him how to put on a diaper, etc. He holds one of the babies up and introduces himself, "I'm Sheriff Andy Bellefleur and I'm gonna be your daddy." Did you ever notice that Andy kind of looks like a big baby?

Back at Merlottes, Sam carries in Emma who is asleep. He hears noises and is worried, but it's just Lafayette who has been "holding down the fort" and drinking his good tequila. Sam asks Lafayette if he's drunk enough to forget that he saw him tonight, so Lafayette takes another drink.
Lafayette: "Is this about your girlfriend turning into Steve Newlin? Cause that was the sickest shit I seen on TV... and I watch Dance Moms."

Lafayette lets Sam know that everyone is talking about it on the news. Then Emma wakes up and tells Lafayette that her mommy is dead and she is hungry. He makes her "something fried, dipped in sugar, and fried again" and Sam asks him to forget he ever saw them there that night.

Elsewhere, Jason is still walking away... guess he's been walking a long time, because he's now limping. A car drives up and pulls over to ask if he needs help. He gets in the car with a creepy old dude. It is obvious to us and everyone else, that this is old dude has to be Warlow, but of course, Jason doesn't put two and two together. Even when he thanks him for picking him up, even though he is all bloody, and old dude says "a little blood doesn't scare me." Jason decides to tell him his life story, great idea Jason!

Back at Bill's house, Jessica is still being summoned. She and Sookie enter and find a trail of bloody footprints and then a pile of what looks like red ashes. They wonder if he's dead, but then there he is, just chillin' on the porch, fully clothed and back to his usual, um... color. 

 Is it just me, or is he even creepier like this than he was all bloody? 

In flies Nora and Eric and Bill has Eric by the neck. Sookie stakes Bill and everyone is shocked, including Bill. Then everyone is even more shocked when he pulls the stake out of his chest without dying. "Now can we talk?" he asks.

He explains that he brought them there so that they can see for themselves that he is "no monster" and does not wish them harm. ("But if you force me to defend myself again, you will be sorry.) Nora asks if he is Lilith. He says he is Bill Compton... "but clearly I am something more. I see that now. I see everything so differently now." He sees the fear in their eyes and understands that he put it there, but assures them that the man who did that to them is gone.
Sookie: "That's right, Bill Compton is gone. He died. I felt it. So whatever the hell you are, if you really mean us no harm, then prove it. Stay away from Jessica, from all of us. Leave Bon Temps tonight and never come back."
But Jessica tells Sookie no. She says that she and Bill are both staying and they are the ones who should leave. She explains that Bill is her maker and Sookie will never understand that. Sookie tries to convince her that this is not Bill, but Jessica insists that they don't know that. All they want to do is kill and ask questions later. "You told me you loved him and then you tried to stake him!" cries Jessica, "how could you?"

At an empty bottling plant, Governor Burrell is having a secret, late night meeting with Ms. Suzuki of the Yakanomo Corp. (the company that produces Tru Blood). He offers her a "government bailout" and will let her use the plan to continue making Tru Blood. She refers to him as "enemy #1" so partnering with him would be a PR nightmare, but he agrees that he'll be a secret, silent partner. She can use the plant free of charge, as she sees fit. Once vampires have sustenence other than human beings again, he says he hops they will return to being "peaceful, law-abiding, tax-paying members" of society. But right now, Louisiana needs revenue, i.e., he needs revenue if he wants to be reelected. She agrees to the deal.

Man this episode is so boring I... oh! Alcide's butt!

Naked Alcide and naked Danielle start to make out, when naked Rikki shows up. Alcide apologizes to her and Danielle says, "it's my fault. I'm the one who started it." Rikki gets in between them and kisses Alcide, as Danielle starts to walk away, dejected. Rikki says, "where do you think you're going?" and calls her back over. They kiss and she walks her over to Alcide, forcefully pulling her down to her knees for a sexy werewolve threesome. She looks Alcide straight in the eyes and says "I'm your #1 bitch. Don't ever forget it."

Yes, please.

Back at Fangtasia, Pam and Tara are still bickering about Eric. Tara is pissed that Pam is upset about him and still does whatever he says. She thinks she should give whatever is happening between them a chance.
Pam: "Dont you dare judge me! You have no idea what it means to be someone's partner for 100 years. What's your longest relationship Tara? Two weeks? We fuck once and now it's you and me, girlfriends forever?"

Pam tells Tara, "you can't replace him and you never will" and then there's a pounding at the door. It's commandos with guns shooting green laser beams everywhere."And you boys are... wait, lemme guess... male strippers?" They're there to close down Fangtasia, by order of Governor Burrell. Pam gets on her knees in surrender, but Tara tries to defend her and they shoot her. We're not sure what these weapons are exactly, but she's on the floor in a second, crying, writhing in pain.

Eric walks Sookie home and tells her he can give her enough money to go wherever she wants and start a new life. Sookie reminds him that with the amount of Bill's blood that she's had, there's no point, because he'd be able to find her. 
Eric: "You staked him, to save me. I never expected that from you."
Sookie: "I never expected it from myself. Bill's not the only one who's changed."
He asks for pen and paper. He uses the pen to stab his wrist and then he starts to write, in his own blood.

Sookie asks what he is doing and he tells her that he is giving her back her home. She thanks him and he warns her to stay away from Bill. She promises she will and she wants her life back. That is why she is rescinding his invitation to her house. You can see that he understands and he leaves. He says "Goodnight Miss Stackhouse" through the window. Heartbreaker. Team Eric!

Nora is waiting outside and wants to know what that was all about, but Eric tells her to mind her own business. They need to figure out how to deal with Bill and Eric says he will find his weakness. 

Nora: "Can we use the faery?"Eric: "Sookie stays out of this. And we stay away from her from now on. Are we clear?"
Nora: "Eric Northman. You are in love with her."
Eric: "In aonther life."
Nora: "I don't know about Bill's weakness, but I think I may have just found yours."

He warns her not to "stir this pot".

Back at the Bellefleur home, Andy is asleep on the couch when we hear the pitter patter of little footsteps. "Hi Daddy!" He is woken up by four little toddlers. Andy, Arlene and Terry all scream as the girls giggle. Interesting twist! Although not that unexpected, seeing as they gestated for only a few weeks and were born looking about three months old.

Bill brings Jessica some true blood he found in the pantry, in a glass. She spills the drink but he stops it from falling, by freezing it in mid-air. He admits he didn't know he could do that. She confesses that she's scared - she doesn't know what he is, but he doesn't have answers either. He doesn't know what he is - or why - or what his new powers mean. That is why he needs Jessica more than ever, to keep him honest. She is the only one he can trust.

Meanwhile Jason is still spilling his guts to the-old-dude-who-is-probably-Warlow, telling him about Bilith and everything. He reveals he's been seeing visions of his dead parents and that they're gotten "kinda racist and scary" since their deaths. He's talking about his sister and the old dude says "you cannot keep Warlow away from Sookie." Jason asks how he knew his sister's name and he says "who the hell do you think I am, Jason?" Duh!!!!!

Jason tries to shoot him but he disappears and Jason has to grab the wheel to stop the car from going out of control. Meanwhile, back at Sookie's house, the letters on the note next to Sookie's bed (that is, the contract promising her to Warlow) start to glow.

Bill is having scary visions and then hears a woman's voice calling him... "William Compton..." He follows it until he sees not one but THREE bloody Liliths. They all run at him and become one within him. Cliffhanger!

I just have three words for you True Blood: WHAT. THE. FUCK?

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