Friday, October 4, 2013

The Vampire Diaries: The College Years

This post contains spoilers. But they're Vampire Diaries spoilers, so no one really cares.

Not every television show can survive the transition from high school to college, but since the kids from the Vampire Diaries didn't spend much time in school in the first place it's not a huge issue. Quick recap from last season: Bonnie is dead but no one knows except for Jeremy, who is back from the dead. Katherine, having been force-fed "the cure" is human again. The Elena-Salvatore-Brothers love triangle is going strong ... Elena and Damon are in love, Stefan has left town all bitter, only to discover that Silas is alive - and looks just like Stefan. So poor Stefan has been banished to the bottom of a lake or something. Sucks man.

In the season five premiere, everyone has some 'adjusting' to do. Elena and Caroline are off to college. For some reason they're living in the dorms, because they want the normal college experience. What is with vampires trying to be normal? Get over it. You're vampires. Damon has to adjust to being in a semi-long-distance relationship with his girlfriend (yep) Elena. Jeremy has to adjust to being alive again - high school can be rough when people have already attended your memorial services - while Bonnie is adjusting to being dead (and hiding it from everyone, thanks to Jeremy). Katherine is adjusting to being human again, and not loving it. Stefan is adjusting to living the rest of his undead life at the bottom of a lake and Silas is adjusting to being alive, for real, in a Stefan-look-alike body. Matt is adjusting to being back from a sexy threesome-filled tour of Europe with Rebekah and having to work at that damn Grill again. Oh and Elena has 'a weird feeling' that something bad is going to happen. Must be Thursday.

There's a lot wrong with TVD: The College Years. The thing about shows like this, is that I can easily suspend my disbelief to accept the premise that there are vampires, werewolves, hybrids, witches, doppelgangers, hunters, immortals and whatever other being they whip up for season 5... but it's harder for me to believe that Caroline and Elena glamored their way into college but didn't think to fix it with Res Life so they wouldn't have a third roommate.

Their roommate Megan is played by Hayley Kiyoko, one of only a few rare Asian characters ever to grace the screen of TVD (which means she'll probably be dead soon). Caroline and Elena are suspicious about their roommate when they discover that she keeps vervain-spiked water in the fridge. Hm. Caroline wants to kidnap her but Elena says they should just act normal. In an attempt to act normal, the girls go to a frat party that they were invited to by some cute black college guy. I mention that he's black because that usually means he will be dead by the end of the episode...  They can't get in because they aren't 'invited' in by the owner. (Now this is why vampires don't go off to college.)

 Um... we'll just wait out here...

While outside the party, they get a call from Megan who s inside and scared. Someone is chasing her. Then she's thrown from a window right in front of them with a vampire-bitten neck. The Asian character doesn't even make it a whole episode (but the black guy lives, for now. Nice bait-and-switch TVD.) The death is ruled a suicide, even though it's obviously not, because that's how it works on this show. Caroline steals Megan's phone and they find a photo of her with Elena's dad.... the Scooby gang has to get to bottom of this one!

Back in Mystic Falls, Matt says goodbye to Rebekah. She has to leave town because she has to star in the Originals spin-off immediately following TVD. Apparently, after their sexy threesome in Europe, some chick Nadia stole their shit - including the 'Gilbert ring' that can bring him back to life. (How exactly does a person get one over on an Original vampires?) Later Nadia appears in town and gives Matt back the ring. "It wasn't mine to take." As soon as she puts iton him, some dude shows up to grab him, do some weird chanting and then Matt's eyes turn black. Can't wait to find out what the hell that means.

Silas-Stefan is going around town being a d-bag and drinking lots of blood. Katherine has been hanging out at the casa de Salvatore (since she's vulnerable now that she's slow, weak, and having a bad hair day). Silas wants Katherine so she splits town, almost killing Jeremy in the process. Silas discovers that he can glamour a shit ton of people at the same time and decides to make an impression by killing Bonnie's dad, because apparently there can't be more than two black characters living at the end of any given episode and that guy from the frat party got to live another day. Silas then asks everyone to find Katherine (the woman who looks 'just like Elena Gilbert') for him. I wonder if Nina Dobrev and Paul Wesley get paid extra for playing dual roles. I think we should start a petition for the show to create a Damon-doppelganger. Because the world needs more Somerhalder! (And because we know he's still recovering from the news that he won't be the next Christian Grey.)

Throughout the entire episode we get to hear from Stefan only through artistically-lit hallucinations. Gotta say, Silas-Stefan is more interesting than Stefan-Stefan. He's unkillable, immortal and psychic... and has excellent hair. Speaking of awesome hair... Michael Trevino must be having some contract disputes with TVD because we wait all episode for Tyler to show up and instead he only appears via voicemail. Dude can't go to college because this werewolf pack in Tennessee needs him. He says, "I know it's lame to do this over the phone"... yeah, it is TVD. It is.

Race Fail Death Tally: 2. One Asian woman, one black man.

No comments: