Friday, November 22, 2013

The Vampire Diaries Recap: Another Hot Jumbled Mess

The Vampire Diaries is getting weirder and weirder every week...

The episode opens up with Dr. Maxfield still being a dick, experimenting on baby vamp Jesse. We didn't see anything from Jesse in the last episode so it's nice to know he's still alive... of course, knowing TVD it won't be for long. As soon as I saw Dr. Maxfield, I instinctively tweeted about him being the worst person in the world and wishing someone would kill him already. I thought I had gotten my wish when Jesse broke free and chomped into him, but I wasn't that lucky...

Cut from Jesse to the other other "living" person of color on the show: Bonnie. She's moving into the dorms with Caroline and Elena and facetiming with her mom.Points to Bonnie for acknowledging how ridiculous their "dormroom" is.
Bonnie: It's huge right? It even has a fireplace. I mean what dorm has a fireplace?

No dorm. No dorm has a fireplace. Anywhere. Ever. This dorm is even less true-to-life than the fake NYU dorms from Felicity. I know that Caroline and Elena probably compelled residential life to give them the best room on campus, but I refuse to believe that a dorm room like this exists on any campus anywhere in the world. I can suspend my disbelief to accept the premise that there are vampires and witches and werewolves and doppelgangers... but this dorm room is too unbelievable.
Caroline and Elena enter bearing alcohol for a party that evening and cheesy exposition for the viewers.
Bonnie: I'll talk to you soon. Bye!
Elena: And by the way mom, I'm not a witch anymore because I died and I came back from the other side.
Caroline: Yeah I'm the supernatural anchor that connects our two worlds together...
Elena: So technically I'm a ghost that people can still see and touch so...
Bonnie: Okay, so I left out a detail or two. 
And then Bonnie offers her own exposition:
Bonnie: Augustine right? The one who covered up your roommate's death and wants to kick you off campus?

Come on TVD, you're better than this. Show not tell! Ugh, wish I hadn't said that... because they immediately jump to a gross PDA session between Bonnie and Jeremy, which is interrupted when a newly dead witch has to cross over to the other side through Bonnie. Ouch.
Elena: I know this is gonna sound lame but...
Damon: Anytime you start with "this is gonna sound lame", guess what... it is.
They give Damon all the best lines. Elena wants Damon to come to Bonnie's "welcome" / "welcome back" party and to bring Stefan, who now remembers that he hates them. (She also invites Aaron - friend of the dead roommate/ward of Dr. Maxfield). Stefan is still having his vampire PTSD from repeated drownings over the summer. He's not up for a party tonight.

Back at the Grille, Katherine bonds with Matt as she helps him figure out who is in his head and what they want. She explains who the Travelers are and that one of them is hitching a ride in his brain. She also figures out that it was her daughter Nadia who put the passenger in there.

Back at the dorms, Caroline takes a minute to shame Elena for dating Damon and then gets a call from Jesse.
Caroline:  Well look who rose from the dead.

Ha! Literally. He needs her help before his roommate comes home (and he inevitably eats him). Of course his roommate is Aaron, this poor kid can't catch a fucking break. He hasn't lost enough people in his life... Maxfield had to make his roommate a vampire? It took me a minute to figure out why he would've called Caroline of all people for help, but then I remembered that when someone becomes a vampire he or she remembers all the past "compulsion" that's been done to him. So he probably figured out Caroline would understand. He tells her about how Maxfield expirimented on him and injected him with "soem weird blood" (Augustine blood). Maxfield is still alive (darn) but locked in the lab. Question: How is it that Jesse got from the lab to this dormroom? It is clearly daylight outside... and he doesn't have a daylight ring. And they don't even have Bonnie to make them a new one since she's not a witch anymore. Elena shows up with their stash of blood.
Jesse: Our stash? You're a vampire too?
Elena: You say it like it's a bad thing. First rule of being a vampire is realizing how awesome you are.

Um, it's kind of a bad thing, no? Caroline wants Jesse to use his blood to heal Aaron, so he can see that vampires can hurt and heal. 
Jesse: Holy crap that's insane.
Caroline: You wanna teach him about compulsion?

Aw, this is a cute little vampire training session!


But don't waste your time girls, people of color don't get to live that long on TVD.

The dorm party is hopping. No where else on earth could a dorm party fit this many guests.. they're just lucky they have the hugest dorm room ever. Damon is in the lab with Dr. Maxfield to question him and Caroline is sure he will kill him. (Also, it's weird that Elena and Caroline refer to Dr. Maxfield as "Wes". He's not your teacher/buddy like Alaric was... he's a college professor/sociopath who basically told you to leave campus. Why are you on a first name basis?)
Caroline: You realize that you're wrong, right?
Elena: Okay look I know that you're not crazy about Damon and I being together.   
Caroline: No no it's fine. I'm fine with you two being together as long as you can acknowledge the kind of person you are together with. 
What kind of person? The hot kind? The so utterly devoted to his girlfriend kind that he made a deal with not one, but two totally crazy people last episode just to get her BFF back from the dead. Yeah, man what a dick. (Yes, we know Damon was also a little bit of an evil vampire serial killer in the past, but eh, so was Stefan... and in Mystic Falls, really, who isn't?)

Damon wants answers from Maxfield and he's going to use a bunch of infectious diseases that the lab just happens to have lying around.
Damon: Not in the mood to talk? Fair enough. We're going to play a little game where I inject you with whatever the hell necrotizing fasciitis is...
Maxfield: It's a flesh-eating bacteria.
Damon: Gross. 
He injects him and asks him questions. If he answers correctly he will give him some vampire blood to heal him. If he doesn't... 
Damon: ...we're just gonna have to see how much flesh these little guys can eat.
Back at the Grille, Katherine drinks with Stefan who just wants to be left alone! Nadia shows up and looks pissed. Just last week Katherine said she never wanted to see her again and now she's called her for a favor. Stefan agrees to help Katherine and Nadia get Gregor out of Matt.
Stefan: Just out of morbid curiosity, which one of you is younger?
Both: I am.
Matt gives Katherine the knife that the Traveler left behind at his place. Nadia tells Gregor to "come forth".
Katherine: Hello Gregor. I'm Nadia's mother. It's a pleasure to finally meet you.
Gregor-Matt: What do you want?
Katherine: Here's the thing. Nadia's my only child, so naturally I'm suspicious of anyone who wants to date her. Why don't you tell us the real reason that you're in Mystic Falls.
She shows him the knife and he admits that after Silas was dead he was meant to kill her (Katherine). It's what the Travelers want and he doesn't question their orders. He used Nadia to get to her.
Katherine: See why I don't want you dating my daughter? Because travelers are ruthless manipulative hypocrites. I know, because your grandfather was one.
She stabs Matt in the stomach. She says he will be fine, but  Gregor won't be. She expelled his spirit. (That's why he wanted the knife. It's the only thing that will truly kill a passenger.)

Back at the party, Bonnie has a chit chat with the old witch who died earlier. She says that the pain is gone now that she's on the other side. It looks like Bonnie regrets becoming the anchor... she feels all of the pain, but gets none of the relief. But then before she thinks about it too much Jeremy is there to remind her what's worth living for. Sex with a high school boy!

At the lab, Dr. Maxfield claims to Damon that he's working for the greater good. Damon says it sounds like Mengele-level crap he's spouting and injects him with rabies. Fun! He admits that he wanted to change Jesse into a "new" kind of vampire - one that isn't dangerous to people because they don't use humans as their food source.
Dr. Maxfield: Human blood will only satiate Jesse temporarily, until he gets a taste of what he really craves.


Jesse and Caroline dance at the party and kiss. He accidentally bites her lip, which bleeds a little. He immediately craves more so he says he has to leave and rushes out.


Aaron shows up at the party and he and Elena do jello shots. (Sidenote: Nina Dobrev does not know how to properly do a jello shot. Just sayin'.) He tells her that Dr. Maxfield is his legal guardian and they commiserate over all the dead people they know. Awesomely fun party talk. Aaron's parents were killed "by bears" on a camping trip. Sounds like a vampire death coverup story. Dr. Maxfield took him in and he's the closest thing to family that he has left. She calls Damon and makes him promise not to kill Dr. Maxfield because she can't let Aaron lose the only family he has left.  And is it just me or is Elena being a little too flirty with this guy for someone who has a boyfriend? Leading him on much...?

Back at the Grille, Stefan is having another PTSD flashback freakout. Katherine goes to check on him and he starts to choke her. She snaps him out of it by telling him to name the people he's killed, in order. Huh, okay. He releases her from the choke hold and says thank you. Then Nadia comes out and is upset that Gregor is dead. Katherine tells her that she deserves better and she tells her to drop dead. (Oh little does she know, she may be dead in a few months). Nadia's being a real bitch. Her boyfriend was sent to kill Katherine and used her to get to her... so Katherine killed him... Now she's mad at Katherine? Really? 

Back at the lab, Damon cuts his wrist to give some blood to Dr. Maxfield but just then Jesse storms in pissed off. It's bad enough he turned him into a monster but now he wants to feed on the girl he likes (Caroline). But then he sees Damon's blood and starts to crave it. Even though Damon is older and therefore should be stronger, something Dr. Maxfield has done to Jesse has made him strong enough to overpower Damon. He bites him in the neck adn starts to feed from him, viciously. Elena shows up and tries to get Jesse to stop. She can't, so she stakes him, just as Caroline runs in to see it happen. She begs him to stay with her but he dies in her arms. 
Elena: He was gonna kill Damon.
Caroline: But we promised that we would help him.
Damon:  She didn't have a choice. alright? Once he had the taste of vampire blood there's nothing stopping him. Ask Dr. Frankenstein.

He goes to deal with the doc, while Elena apologizes and Caroline shames her for saving her boyfriend's life (and protecting all of them from an insatiable vampire-killing vampire).
Caroline: The Elena I used to know would've given Jesse a chance. 
A chance to what? Kill Damon? Kill all of them? I know Caroline is upset right now, but she's been a huge bitch lately. She better stop messing with my Damon, the one redeeming part of this show that keeps me coming back each week. And really, if you want to be mad at anyone for Jesse's death, be mad at Dr. Maxfield. Or be mad at the writers who keep killing off every person of color on the show.

Back in Mystic Falls, Stefan finds a note from Katherine to Nadia. It is a suicide note. She has run from her enemies for 500 years and now a new enemy wants her dead... the Travelers. She can run from them, but there's one enemy she can't escape... time. She's at the top of some big clocktower (where the fuck is this and how the hell did she get up there?) She jumps, guess she took Nadia's "drop dead" too literally? Stefan catches her just in time.
Stefan: What are you doing?
Katherine: I told you, you either face your problems or you run. I chose option 3. 

She explains that the cure sped up the entire "mortifying process" and she's dying of old age, quickly. After being practicaly immortal for 500 years that's not something she can handle I guess.
Stefan: Hey, you're Katherine Pierce. Suck it up.
And now it's time for a little romantic grossness between Jeremy and Bonnie... until it's interrupted by a dead dude!
Bonnie: Oh my god. I think Jesse's dead.
Jeremy: What?
Jesse: I'm not ready. I don't want this.
He passes through Bonnie and she screams in pain. This is the first time Jeremy has seen that happen so he of course, freaks out. She explains that she is the anchor so every supernatural being that dies has to pass through her. And it happens often. He's mad that she didn't tell him. But she's just so happy to be back, touching him. 
Bonnie: We knew there'd be consequences. Just kiss me.
Jeremy: (Scoffs)
Bonnie: Kiss me. You... and me... this. This is worth it. Any consequence is worth this. 
It's sweet... but doesn't that put a lot of pressure on a new relationship? I came back from the dead and deal with pain every day for us! If they ever break up, then what? (Also, let's not forget that the reason they split up in the first place - back when they were both still alive - was because he still had some residual feelings for Anna and she was jealous. Now that they can both see dead people, wonder if there will be any Anna-related drama in the future. It'd be worth it for a guest appearance from Malese Jow.)

As they clean up the party, Caroline apologizes for being out of line... and then follows it up by being even more out of line. Elena says she wouldn't have killed him if she could've helped it. Elena knows he was also dangerous.
Caroline: I believe you want to celebrate the fact that we can go to school and function like regular freshman. I get that. I want that too. But Elena, when are you gonna figure out that the outside world is not nearly as dangerous as the person you're inviting to your own bedroom.
Elena: Wow. Why don't you tell me how you really feel?
Caroline: The day that I stop telling you is the day that we're no longer best friends and... I hope that day never comes.


Okay first of all, it's been Caroline all along who was the most psyched about functioning like regular freshmen. So much in fact, that her first words to Bonnie after she returned back from the dead was about how they had an extra bed in their dormroom. So hypocrite much? And how exactly is any of this Damon's fault? It was Caroline's boyfriend who was killing Elena's boyfriend... not the other way around. You want to blame someone, blame Maxfield. Damon helped bring Bonnie back from the dead! Isn't she at least a little grateful? Last season Caroline had a huge flirtation with Klaus (easily the worst vampire ever and such a bad dude that her boyfriend Tyler basically chose getting revenge on Klaus over dating her) and just last episode Caroline was palling around with Katherine! Now she's going to go all bitch-fest about Damon being a bad guy? Seriously? Either she's projecting some other shit onto Elena and Damon or the writers are trying desperately to set up some future scenario, but either way it feels really contrived and out of nowhere. 

(PS: Cute party dresses, but have you ever actually seen anyone dress like that to a dorm room party? I didn't go to fancy college I guess.)

Inside the lab, Damon is still with Dr. Maxfield. He's waiting to be able to compel all this away. He notices a bag of blood with the numbers 12144. Damon reveals that he was 21051.
Dr. Maxfield: You were an Augustine vampire?
Damon: Augustine, I haven't heard that name in decades.
He flashes back to memories in a hospital bed. He was also a vampire lab rat? He thought Augustine was shut down 60 years ago but he was wrong. He decides to kill Dr. Maxfield after all, but he hits a switch that releases atomized vervain and knocks Damon out.
Dr. Maxfield: I'm sure Augustine will be thrilled to have you back.
He wakes up behind bars somewhere and "D.S." is carved into the wall. Ugh. Unless Dr. Maxfield's work is going to create a few Damon doppelgangers, I'm not liking this turn of events.

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